I am not important

Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything.  Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write.  I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move.  I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better.  Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.

Well, that’s the positive things lately.  My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again.  I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others.  I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life.  I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.

I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member.  I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day.  Turns out another friend helped her more.  I have no idea why or how.  I just saw the shoutout on facebook.  I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this.  J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.

Another example.  The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?)  I still have no idea what our relationship is.  There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant.  We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town.  But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before.  I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me.  Anything.  I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work.  I don’t understand why he bothers with me.  I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging.  I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info.  I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard

I deserve to be with someone, right?  Who loves me and wants to share their life with me?  Is that allowed for someone like me?

Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet.  I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone.  Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

There goes my social life…

So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month.  I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?)  I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this.  She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living.  She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her)  So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school.  She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.

I glad she can get her life in order.  Really, I am.  But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her.  She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no.  I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother.  I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend.  I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself:  I am selfish. I am a terrible friend.  Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it.  I just bought her concert tickets for graduation.  I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.

She is my only friend.  I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking.  Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her).  I’m not sure what happens now.  It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.

I like consistency.  I like being able to plan.  I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life.  Too many variables.  I’ve known J since the 6th grade.

Life will be different.

PMS turns me into a sleepy bitch

Sure, growing up I could go 6-8 weeks without it and not even have PMS, but now I’m older I am like clockwork (How do I know?  I have an app on my phone to keep track.  That’s how obsessive I am).  Now every 3.5 weeks, I just get super annoyed/angry and will lash out at anyone who looks at me the wrong way.  I’m shaky and paranoid and super anxious.  I brought this up to my doctor when I first transferred to him, but he passed it off as seasonal affected disorder.  Great, I get why I’m worse in the winter, but giving it a different name does not make it go away.  I just passed out on the living room floor because I’m so exhausted.  Now I’m cold and can’t get the warmth to return to my fingers.  God, I just want to hit something but I’m too tired.  So the weekend should be fun, since my period will actually start then.  Then I’ll be incapacitated for 2 days.  My mom is sick of hearing about me whine about it, but she’ll be just as mean if I’m asleep for two days straight and not tell her.  She thinks I’m faking, so I can get out of doing things.  She doesn’t understand what I go through every month.  I’ve wanted to get a hysterectomy since I was 12, just so I wouldn’t have to go through it.  My stomach is starting to hurt already.

Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.

I don’t know why I keep trying

Just a quick update.  I had a “date” with The Boy tonight.  I asked him to lunch, he countered with dinner.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.  We didn’t have much to talk about.  Alot of just silence.  He left at 8:30.  I think he’s finally bored with me, but he keeps trying.  Maybe I was just too tired and shouldn’t have even asked him to dinner, but I missed him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have shown him my new addition to my HP collection.  He seemed interested, but he’s so polite I never know what he’s really thinking.  This sucks.

 

Escaping Reality (via Television)

Whenever I’m particularly lonely or depression is at it’s peak, I find myself becoming obsessive about some fantasy world.  I find some scifi/fantasy TV show and I completely immerse myself in it.  It’s never on purpose, and I feel myself disconnect even more from reality, but it gives me an escape from the world I can’t stand.  Once I get hook on a show (it usually takes about 6-8 episodes over a period of days/weeks), I not only start watching every episode, in order, but spend all my free time surfing the internet for more information.  It could be character back stories, other shows the actors are in, outtakes, or just general news about the show.  It’s gives me something to focus on besides my life.

Below are my past television obsessions,starting with the most recent, marked with years of peak obssesion.  I typically latch on to one show at a time.  Once it’s over, or I’ve exhausted myself (that can take years), I come back to real life for a while.  Once I’m sick of that, I find a new show to “watch”.

• Doctor Who (current)
  My current obsession, and I don’t even like the show very much.  There’s too much time travel, not enough explanations of why things happen (give me some scifi rules to go on!) and it took me the whole first season to get hooked.  If I do look past the awful scifi and just accept it as fantasy, the show is a bit more entertaining than I think it’s going to be.  What really hooked me was the relationship between the Doctor and Rose.  At first a little weird, but once they started showing love toward each other, I couldn’t get enough of it.  I’m a sucker for a good love story.  i just finished season 2 and Rose is gone, so I’m not too excited about the remaining season.  i get attached to the characters and Doctor is known for it’s heavy actor rotation.  I just hope the episodes where Rose comes back are worth it.
• Buffy/Angel (2006-2008)
  I got hooked on this pretty mush after the series ended.  Honestly, I couldn’t stand it when it was on. I can’t stand waiting week to week or month to month to continue the story.  It doesn’t give me that high I need from watching 6 episodes in a row (which I do more often than not).  Again, sucker for a good love story,  and what’s more epic than a vampire and a slayer? (for full disclosure, I’ve read all the twilight books and I am completely offended by Stephanie Meyer.  That woman should never be allowed near pen and paper again).
  I got lost in the whedonverse.  I followed news sites, watched random independent films staring tertiary actors, and found “dailies” showing unused footage.  This obsession actually started when I watched a countdown show of the most unexpected moments in television on a new year’s eve (seriously, how pathetic am I?).  They covered the musical episode, and from there I started watching, in order, starting at season 6.  That was a very dark and sexual season that got to me on multiple levels.  I found the outtakes from when Buffy and Spike had sex I would watch that over and over like fantasy porn.  I couldn’t get enough of Spike.  I’m still a James Marsters fan.
• Charmed (2005-2006)
  Again, I didn’t start watching this show when it aired, but a few seasons behind.  I enjoy the idea of witchcraft and the empowering feeling I get when I practice.  I know this show is a hollywood bastardization of wicca, but I ignored what I had to.The Piper-Leo love story got to me, and also a bit of the Phoebe-Cole, good over evil thing.  Cole’s character/actor also got me trying to watch nip/tuck, but that pretty much ruined my fantasy of Cole.
• Star Trek (the original series) (2004-2005)
  The first start trek I ever saw was Voyager, and I was content watching that on a weekly basis before bed.  It wasn’t until I was 18, and on spring break from college that I had the chance to watch the original series.  At first I thought, “Hey, and old 60s scifi show, this should be hilarious”.  It was incredibly campy, but after a few shows, I was hooked.  The stories were good, and I began to understand why Trekkies exist.  I used to qualify as one.  I could easily lose myself in the online fandom.  I tracked down as many star trek references as I could.  From Leonard Nimoy in futurama, to Kevin Pollack doing his william shatner impersonation.
• ReBoot (1998-2000)
  This was my first ever obsession (TV or not).  this started when I was 10.  My parents were separated and I had mentally shut down from the rape.  I got lost in the computer world.  I was angry when I couldn’t watch the show.  I even made my mother change plans to go out so I could hit record on the VCR and not miss anything.  I trained my body to wake itself up at 1am to catch it when cartoon network changed the airtime.  This obsession is still with me, but in a controlled sense.  I just finished and AndrAIa cosplay outfit I hope to wear someday.

It’s not always about the plot thought.  Actually, it rarely is.  It’s always about the characters, and their relationships with one another.  When I’m lost in their world, I form attachments to them.  It allows me to feel something, safely, without judgment from the real world.  It’s sad, but losing myself in the fantasy is the only time I feel alive.

 

p.s. You’ll notice a gap between ReBoot and Charmed. This was when Harry Potter took over my life.  I don’t include it here since a) it’s not a TV show, and b) this didn’t withdraw me completely.  I made my best friend and bonded with her over HP.  I’m still a major HP fan and it’s universe is ingrained in my existence.  It’s part of who I am.

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.