Category Archives: inner thoughts

I can’t turn off the screaming

Whenever I’m alone, I scream obscenities at myself.  It’s gets worse when I’m stressed.  And I have been *really* stressed.  It’s repetitive, and doesn’t even make sense most of the time, and I’m not even sure why I’m doing it.  It’s like a compulsion.  Most of the time it’s “you fucking piece of shit”, “fucking whore/slut”, “Bitch” and “You deserve to die”.  I’m not sure where the whore/slut ones come from.  I guess I’m just looking for the most degrading insults I can find.  Normally, these are just running in the back of my head, and I think of them when I make a mistake (like say the wrong word or not knowing what to do or say) or miss an opportunity.  Now I’ve been flat out screaming them at myself.  I think I’ve failed in some way, but logically, I haven’t.  A situation didn’t turn out how I would have liked, but it was beyond my control.  I did almost everything I could to make it right, but something just don’t work out.  I’m sure if I compromised on what I wanted, or overpromised it would have been better, but then I would be in a worse situation later.

Oh, a new one while I was thinking about the situation: “Shitty fucking shit”.

My throat is sore from the yelling.

So the story is I’ve been trying to talk to professors about research, to see if what they’re working on would be something my work would pay for me to go to school for.  I had my first meeting with someone I thought would be who I would be working with, but turns out he doesn’t work in the areas I would have liked to work in anymore.  And I can’t figure out how to phrase what he’s doing into something my work would be willing to pay for.  I kinda knew this going in.  It was a stretch to begin with, but I feel like an arrogant prick when I’m essentially asking “will you take me as a student!”  I have no right to it, and there are plenty of other people better suited than me.  It just feels so presumptuous since none of these people know me, and I have no idea how to ask this in a politically correct way.  It makes me feel like shit wanting something, and asking for it.

I feel like giving up.

Missed Opportunities

I now have tangible evidence that my anxiety/personality/fear of other people’s opinions has stopped me from enjoying life as much as I can.

I went to a fan convention this weekend, dressed as my favorite video game character.  Turns out the company is making a new game and had a huge demo booth there.  So I was pretty popular.  I was totally fine with the crowds and people asking for pictures, because I wasn’t me.  I was the character.  It felt AMAZING to be publicly adored and not ridiculed or mocked, like I think everyone does to the real me.

Now, because of the popularity of the game this year, I’m getting special treatment at vendors.  Being able to cut lines, given free stuff, VIP access.  Even the DEO of the company who makes the game complimented me on it (although I didn’t realize it was him until he next day).

However, I was super uncomfortable  cutting in front of people who had been waiting.  This was my first time with this level of attention and I clearly didn’t know how to react.  The real thing I’m kicking myself over is that I could have been able to bypass a 4 hour line, but I was too afraid of the looks/reactions of those waiting in line.

Stupid, I know.  The CEO made a big deal about cosplayers and how much the company respects them, and that I shouldn’t have felt guilty about get special treatment.

So now I’ve been obsessing over every detail.  How good it felt to have people appreciate your work so much.  How awful I felt for not just asking if I could get what I apparently deserved.  Regret over knowing that it will never be this good again (there’s no way they’ll release another game any time soon).I regret not going back the next day for the VIP access.  Not that I was planning to, but it would have been so awesome.  If I had tried, I could have done it.  But I was afraid of my mother’s reaction.  I didn’t want to deal with her criticism.  Stupid fear of other people’s disapproval.  The extreme highs and lows have done a number on my physically.  I shook for two days (and still do when I start to obsess again).  I haven’t been hungry either.  Which is kinda of good since I’ve been overeating, but a clear sign of my anxiety getting worse.The one lesson I am taking away from this is that I have to just ACT.  Do something.  Ask for what I want.  I’ll regret it to a point of sickness if I don’t.  As much as it sucked to miss out this year, It came at the right time for me to learn this lesson.  I need it to talk to grad school people,w hich I’ve been dreading.  I didn’t want to come off as an annoying person, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter so much, as they’ll either forget you or help you.  I have to remember the reward outweighs the risk. And it will never be perfect.  I will never say the exact right things or at the right time, but I can only try.  I know I’ll suck, but the safety I feel when I hide is just an excuse.I need to take more chances.  Hell, I just need to DO something.  I over analyze to the point of deciding doing nothing is the best option.Life is for living.  Hopefully I can remember that.  At least for a while.

My Fantasy Reality

I think I’ve lost touch with reality again.  I think I just want something so much that I’ve built up this whole scenario in my head. I know I’m a fool for thinking it’s true, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I’m seating myself up for heart break.

I don’t know if it’s the stress involved that causes me to construct a safe alternative reality, or if I’m just so delusional and egotistical that I just assume this can happen.

There are two issues, where I set myself up for unrealistic expectations.  The first is my epic return to grad school.  I went from thinking I *might* be able to get into a state school to “I totally deserve to be in a n Ivy league school, because I’m doing well in one class at said school”.  A year ago I was terrified and thought I could never handle the stress involved in the Ivy school.  Now I believe that not only would I survive, but I might even do well there.  I’m not totally sure what my basis is for the change, besides I’m focused and see others that are doing what I want to do and for once I don’t think I’m that far away from them.

It’s going to be a huge blow to my ego when I don’t get in next year.  The voice of doubt and failure in my head from last year is still there.  It’s just much quieter.  I just can’t decide if it’s putting me down or just a voice of reason.

This partially leads into my other false reality.  I believe if I don’t get in, I’m going to disappoint The Boy and he’ll leave me.  It’s stupid and extreme, but I’m not sure it’s that unlikely a result.  He went to Ivy and has been heavy interested in my return to school.  Sometimes I feel like a fake person around him, because my true self is childish and hyper and rambles to the point of incoherency.  I try to control it around him, but it slips out.  He’s still hangin out with me for over 6 years, so I’m either really good at hiding the crazy or he ignores it for some reason.  I still have no idea why he likes me.  No one has ever been my friend for this long and been so close to me.

This may be the other false reality.  To me, he’s my best friend.  I don’t think he feels the same way about me though.  I’m kept in a separate compartment of his life where I only see him in certain situations and I don’t mix with his friends (I’ve never met them, although he used to talk about them more).

This is why I need to keep writing about him.  To remind myself that my definition of an intimate/devoted relationship is not the same as normal people.  What is probably just a regular friend (even work friend) to him is a soul mate to me.  I’ve fallen in love with someone supportive, nice, smart, funny and someone who genuinely cares about me. Those are great qualities to have, but also ones that should come with a standard friend.  I think that’s all he sees me as, but I’m seeing so much more potential than that.  I’m terrified to put myself out there in fear of losing him.  There is not much worse than acknowledging your love for someone and scaring them away.  It’s not that anything significant has changed in our relationship over the past few months.  I’m just seeing his qualities in a more long term light.  I want to be with him, and imagine my life with him to a disturbingly concrete level.  But The relationship isn’t actually moving in that direction.  I just see it in my head and forget it’s not real.

I know sharing this would him would be upsetting, as this has happened to me before.  Someone who I saw as only an acquaintance had built up a whole romantic relationship with me over a year.  it became so intense for him that when he shared it with me he thought there was a chance.  It freaked me out and upset me.  I don’t want to do that to The Boy.

The problem is I don’t know if I should be moving one to someone else.  I feel close to him and attempting to be close to someone else feels like a betrayal.  However, he may be more romantically interested in others.  I have no idea.  He doesn’t talk about his friends anymore, and never mentions any other girls.  I wish would just so I can have closure.

I want the story in my head to stop playing.  I’m afraid I’m going to act on fabricated information.

Walking the Tightrope

I can’t believe it’s been two months since my last post.  February just disappeared on me.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I’ve been busy.  My initial plans to start taking night courses at the local college fell through due to gross incompetence.  On the plus side, I applied to and was accepted to take one class at a very prestigious university.  It’s incredibly time consuming and starting to affect my job.  Mostly because the class is int he middle of the day and I have to leave work before lunch, drive to the school and then drive home to work for the rest of the night.  I really don’t get much work done as I am just exhausted from all the people interactions and context switching. I’m living in 3 different worlds now (home, work, school), and the stress is finally getting to me.  The first week of this schedule was horrible, and I nearly quit, but thinking about all the people who helped me get in was enough to shame myself into continuing, even if I flunked.  After a while, I got used to it, and was excited by it.  But now I’m just constantly exhausted, and my grades are suffering, which is sending down the spiral of self hate.  I’m hanging on for now, but the tightrope is getting thinner and thinner and any light breeze (read: failure), will send me tumbling town.

Not only am I stressed about just one class, but I feel as though I’m wasting an opportunity.  People would kill to be in a class taught by these professors, and I have no idea how to interact with them.  I would love to someday be one of their grad students, and this would be the perfect forum to introduce myself.  I just can’t find a reason to do it.  I feel like I’d be wasting their time, or I would just show them how stupid I am, and thus ruining my chances of working with them.

Plus I still need someone to write a recommendation for me for grad school next year.  The plan was spend a year with the same professor at the local college, and get a semi-decent recommendation.  Now I’m in a class of 250 overly ambitious people and I don’t know how to stand out.

So far, all I’ve learned this semester is ambition = stress.

I waver between giving everything I have or just saying “fuck it” and go hide in a hole.  I hate screwing up.

The really sad thing is I like it at this fancy school, so I’m going to be even more heartbroken when I don’t get in for full time.

I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to survive there.  A year ago, I would have said no, but after being here, I feel like I belong.  I may just be overestimating my abilities.

I’m failing at work, as I don’t understand the assignments anymore.  It’s just stuff I don’t want to do.  I’m a code monkey for a lower ranked co worker and it makes me feel like shit.  I’m hanging on for grad school, but if that falls apart, I’m going elsewhere.  8 years in the same (and only) place, is just too long.

And the tightrope gets thinner…

Procrastination!

Turns out I’m really good at it, as is evidence of this post.  For the past week I’ve been avoiding working on something I just hate to do.  Thursday I’m giving a talk to 20-100 people at work, and every time I think about it, I get nauseous.  The last talk I gave was 4 years ago, and thankfully I feel better about giving a talk now, than last time.  I lost 4 pounds from the stress last time.

This time, I absolutely know my subject, since I’ve been working on it for 2 years, but the thought of standing in front of everyone and trying to tell a coherent story for 25 minutes is terrifying.  It’s one of those talks that you do for visibility, and if I want to strengthen my career, I need to give them more regularly than every 4 years.  Most of the people there will daze off and not pay attention, as long as I’m consistent.  If I pause or draw attention to myself instead of the content, then I’m in trouble.  That’s when my anxiety kicks in and it’s a downward spiral.  I remember that kicking in last time on the last 4 slides, and I rushed through them.  I’m really good at talking fast, so much so that I can be done in 10 minutes (that’s even worse than going on for too long!).  Plus my graphics are boring and pointless.  This audience is used to graphs and charts and detailed analysis.  I have none of that.  It feels so fluffy compared to everyone else’s.

The plan for tonight is to get dressed, find some white noise/classical music and look at my slides.  I started putting this together a year ago, but I never have any idea what to actually say during the presentation.  I wish I could just distribute a paper on it.  I’m fine with people scrutinizing my work, but not in person.  I need time to think to respond.

I know practice will help, but I still know it won’t help enough.  No one has asked me to give a talk since the one 4 years ago.  I semi volunteered for this because I need the exposure to get what I want.

This is something I should be competent at.  Enough to be forgotten when it’s over.  Not bad enough people will remember how much I suck and awfulness of my voice and delivery.

I’m just fighting myself at this point and it’s obnoxious.  I always get in my own way.

I can’t stand anyone right now

People have gotten to me.  Everyone.  I can’t stand strangers, my friends, my friends of friends, and my family.  Everyone acts in their own self interest, which I get. That’s needed for survival.  But in society, we can step beyond that.

I was worn down a week ago.  I spend the day with J, who I’m only realizing now can be high drama and selfish.  She’ll attach herself to the strongest personality in the room.  I think that’s why I like her one on one.  She can be focused, but when we reach her other friends, I’m dropped fairly quickly.  She’ll come back to talk to me when they drop her.  That day was exhausting.  We ended the night at a party for a scifi convention and I thought that would be a good time to meet new people (for some reason I was up for that).  No, her friends met with other friends and we were stuck in various edges of groups.  I don’t understand the point of parties.  Everyone there was just talking to their own people.

Next was my family.  Thanksgiving, which means stress.  I can’t tolerate holidays anymore.  The catering to other people, the expectations, the forced socialization.  It was just my grandparents, but my grandmother can be a handful.  She’ll hide things and watch us spend 20 minutes looking for it.  My grandfather is good, but we only talk about real estate.  I don’t have anything in common with my family.

And now the mother rant.  The one person who I thought I could trust and count on forever.  As with previous posts, I’ve mentioned her selfishness and neediness is becoming evident.  There are other words for her, but I don’t know what.  She guilts me into all sorts of behavior, and I cave quickly.  Ic an’t stay overnight anywhere without getting my head spun around.  I can’t even go visit a friend without X days notice (and she’ll forget anyway).  God forbid I have someone over the house without her making a huge deal about it.  She’ll complain about dirty rugs or she can’t do laundry while my friend’s here.  So many excuses.   Now she’s accusing me of not “contributing to the household”.  Seriously?  I spend thousands of dollars a month, plus my time.  Don’t accuse me of being a jobless deadbeat child living off you.  I buy everything you could want or need.  It’s not my fault you spend $5000 for a car that sits in the driveway to rot (she has another car).  Now it’s up to me to cover the other expenses?  She doesn’t care about my life at all.  She wants me home, and writing checks to her.  I’ll gladly pay whatever utilities need to be covered, but don’t expect me to just write you a check.

Ugh.  She even successfully bullied me into buying a house.  I should have said no years ago.  My brother will rent it from me, but it won’t cover all the costs, so I have to pay for that as well.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I am so weak, and I can’t escape.  I just feel trapped.

There’s something wrong with me

Something in my brain is broken.  I don’t understand basic human behaviors.

At the suggestion of a coworker, I read Lean In, a book by the COO of Facebook about why there are so few women leaders.  The beginning was good and made sense, which talked about gender stereotypes and cultural bias.  However the bulk of the book was bout being a mother and the questioning of a women’s dedication to her work, and the societal expectation that women are meant to be mothers/nurturing.

Sadly, this part of the book did not apply to me, and I don’t think it ever will.

I have never wanted children, and I don’t understand anyone who does (male or female).  I don’t see what the benefit it.  I did some research to try to find out why, but all I got was that people wanted someone to love them and to love them back.  That they just “wanted” to be a parent.  I understand perpetuation of the species and primal desires, but humans are an intelligent race of beings.  We move past our innate desires all the time.  The desire to fight, to eat, to fuck.  We all keep it under control (well, most of us anyway).

I feel nothing when I think of parenting, like it’s meant for someone else to do.  I know there is nothing wrong with my choice, but I wonder why I feel this way.  My mother had me, obviously.  She did however, instill at an early age that sex was bad, having a relationship was bad, and getting pregnant would ruin my life.  To this day she’ll judge a pregnant women, when she herself was one twice, and once by choice (I was not the choice).

Maybe it is conditioning.  Maybe by living in that environment, I know that I don’t want to end up like her, alone, poor and bitter.  I wish someone could give me a legitimate reason for having a child. There’s not guarantee they’ll love you or care for you later, or even be healthy.  All I see is risk and work for nothing.

Maybe I’m just a horrible child myself.