and I have no idea why. It’s been going on for a while now and I can’t figure it out. All I do is waste time, avoiding things that I should be doing or things that I want to do. I spend far too much time at work on the internet. It’s not like the work is hard or there’s a lot of pressure right now, I just don’t want to do it. and I have 10 different things I could be doing and I just sit there and stare into space/the web. I think about htings I could be doind at home. But it’s not just work. Once I get home, I think of all the things I should have done at work, and again, I just sit in front of the computer, looking for things to do. I have abundant free time and I could be working on awesome personal projects, but I just don’t want to. I don’t get it.
I’m definitely running from something in head. There’s something I can’t face, but I don’t know what it is. Oddly enough, I hate myself when I waste time, which is why I don’t work on personal projects, since they lead nowhere. But am I any better off right now? Just refreshing facebook and wordpress and icanhascheeseburger?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Posted in anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, stress
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, decisions, frustrated, life, rant, stress, thoughts, tired, venting
So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him. And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦
I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us. I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.
I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok. but now he’s essentially disappeared.
I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me. I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype. And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.
My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out. I’ve moved past that reaction. I thought I was his friend again.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, ex, friend, friendship, frustrated, life, relationships, stress, thoughts
Really. My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.
So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight. why? Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time. Ugh. The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before. Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME. She wants to open the pool. I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend. I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party. I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago. And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him. I don’t even have official plans with the Boy. I just told her that based on past exepriences. I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday. What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later? ok.” There is never a good time >.<
Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her. Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite? Great.
The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here. His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool. I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend. “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here? I don’t have any money. You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping. I just I was just “supposed” to know)
Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet. She doesn’t even cook for me. If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks. She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.
Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout. I’m not your husband Mom. I am not married to you. I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now. God forbid I try.
Posted in anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, train of thought, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, bitch, bitching, depression, family, frustrated, life, mother, relationships, situations, stress, thoughts, trapped, update, yelling