Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything. Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write. I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move. I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better. Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.
Well, that’s the positive things lately. My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again. I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others. I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life. I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.
I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member. I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day. Turns out another friend helped her more. I have no idea why or how. I just saw the shoutout on facebook. I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much. I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this. J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.
Another example. The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?) I still have no idea what our relationship is. There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant. We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town. But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before. I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me. Anything. I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work. I don’t understand why he bothers with me. I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging. I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info. I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard
I deserve to be with someone, right? Who loves me and wants to share their life with me? Is that allowed for someone like me?
Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet. I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone. Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them
I am not the star of my own TV show.
My life story is not worth telling.
My role is to support others in their lives.
I am not a complete person.
I have nothing to offer others but a distraction from their own lives.
I’m there when it’s convenient, and it fits the plot line.
I’m forgotten while on hiatus.
My life on its own is not important.
I can be use(d/ful) to others.
I’m the character who doesn’t get offered their own spin off series.
I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me. I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not. And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.
My friend, who I see as brother, just got engaged. I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously. Noe once did he mention her. I don’t even know her name. I clearly overvalued our friendship. He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic. We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works. I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.
I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.
Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa). I need to let these feelings go. His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am. I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me. Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.
So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month. I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?) I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this. She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living. She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her) So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school. She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.
I glad she can get her life in order. Really, I am. But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her. She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no. I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother. I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend. I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself: I am selfish. I am a terrible friend. Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it. I just bought her concert tickets for graduation. I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.
She is my only friend. I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking. Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her). I’m not sure what happens now. It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.
I like consistency. I like being able to plan. I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life. Too many variables. I’ve known J since the 6th grade.
Life will be different.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationships, stress, train of thought
Tagged alone, anxiety, changes, fear, friend, friendship, learning, life, lonely, moving, reflection, situations, thoughts, update