Tag Archives: harry potter

I think I’m bipolar

No offense intended to anyone who is bipolar, but I’m trying to explain why I can be so depressed and angry and lethargic and then be the way I am now.

I’ve been so hyper.  Not necessarily happy, but I ‘ve been doing things I wouldn’t normally do.  I started a new blog for my hobbies and I’ve been posting to  that like crazy.  I even put pictures up of myself, which is very much not like me.  I’m initiaiting contact with people, but I’m also very impatient.  I was waiting to hear from my friend about watching the super bowl (he said on friday we’d work out details this weekend) but by saturday night, I hadn’t hear anything.  My brain goe in to overdrive, thinking he got a better offer, so I emailed him.  a few mintues later he gets back to me, but I still feel slighted.

I also tried to apply for a textbook writer position for the new myHogwarts program.  I wrote up my writing sample and eveything.  Typically, I don’t want to interact with strangers on the internet who will judge me, but I was excited.  I was still scared though, so I wanted to wait, and reread what I wrote.  Turns out I shouldn’t have, since they just closed applications (it’s been two days for crying out loud).

So now, I’m upset I let another opportunity pass.  I still don’t trust myself, but maybe next time I won’t be so hesitant.  I have to take a risk at some point.

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Second Tier Friend

I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s been right in my face so I need to talk about it again.   I have two people I can call my friends, which may not even be friends by some people’s definitions; The Boy and J.  I’ve known J since middle school but our relationship kind of fades in and out.  Lately we’ve been getting long well, we actually hung out a couple times in two weeks, which is impressive since we only see each other a couple times a year.  Which is dumb since she lives in the next town.

So we spend an afternoon/night getting dinner, playing games and cruising the mall and everything seem great.  We find a game she absolutely wants to try but can’t afford.  a few days later I end up getting it and she’s super excited to play.  I invite her to my house (which I never do.  She doesn’t drive so I always go to hers, plus that’s where the other people are).  turns out she isn’t good at the game and I think I made her uncomfortable since we ended up having dinner with my family.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t invite people over.  It’s an inconvenience to my mother and I end up upsetting the general order of things.

So I think everything is ok at the end of the night, but I haven’t heard from her since.  I posted a link to her facebook wall I thought she’d like, but she completely ignored it.  We always “like” each other’s links.  since we don’t see each other often, this is how we maintain a friendship.  I know I’m over analyzing this, but I don’t want to lose the few “friends” I have.  It’s like she only wanted to hang out with me when we do what she finds interesting.  And I will cave to whatever she wants to do, but I won’t be able to contribute much.  We have very different personalities and few things in common.  Probably not enough to maintain the friendship, but we get along ok.

Plus we made theoretical plans to take a vacation together when she graduates but I doubt that will happen.  I’ve been dying to go to HP world and she already went but would go again.  I know I’m being selfish in wanting to go but I don’t have anyone else.  I’d go alone but that’s not as much fun and kind of sad 😦

So now that I’m of no longer any use to J, I may not hear from her for a while.  And now I’ve found out (via facebook posts) she has a new comic book nerd friend and they are exchanging messages like crazy. This is going to be painful to watch unfold.

And I lent her some DVDs the last time we hung out.  I wonder if I’ll get those back.

</rant>

I don’t know why I keep trying

Just a quick update.  I had a “date” with The Boy tonight.  I asked him to lunch, he countered with dinner.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.  We didn’t have much to talk about.  Alot of just silence.  He left at 8:30.  I think he’s finally bored with me, but he keeps trying.  Maybe I was just too tired and shouldn’t have even asked him to dinner, but I missed him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have shown him my new addition to my HP collection.  He seemed interested, but he’s so polite I never know what he’s really thinking.  This sucks.

 

Another Perceived Rejection

Ok, so I know I’m overreacting and I really shouldn’t care about a random person on the internet, but it’s still bothering me, so I need to get this out of my system.  So there are some strict rules in this RP game I’m doing on facebook, and in order to keep playing and not risk being banned the moderator made me fill out an application with my real info and character background.  I wasn’t too thrilled to tell a random person who I was, but and sign over admin privileges to her, but I was feeling impulsive and somewhat social so I did.  I knew if I kept running away from interaction I’ll get nowhere.

Turns out the person running this international game lives in the next town over from me.  I can’t believe it, and I feel like I could actually make a friend who is also way to much into Harry Potter 🙂

Anyway, I email her my info and she responds with some more instructions and I email back ok, and mention the whole “we’re neighbors” thing.  She writes back acknowleging it’s a “small world” and that’s it.  I know she’s probably really busy with the game and hundreds of players, but I still feel like I got kinda brushed aside.  I’m sure it’s all in my head.  She probably has enough friends and a life to keep her busy and not bother with this random sad person on the internet, who joins a game where she doesn’t know anyone else playing.

Plus I get the impression from posts on the game that she’s power hungry and kind of a bitch.  She changes the rules as she goes (first the time line, then she just shut down all applications because she didn’t feel like dealing with them anymore, and finally, she posts as the moderator that characters will be killed off because the game is not fair and she “said so”.  Seriously, what a bitch.)

This is why I’m not social and my best friends are men.  I can’t stand bitchiness…

Writing and Running

Wow, I can’t believe its been so long since I posted.  I really didn’t mean for that.  I mostly been distract since Harry Potter is technically over.  I’ve been indulging myself with as much fandom as possible (and yes I did wake up at 4 in the morning to register for pottermore 🙂 ).  I’ve also attempted participating in an online roleplaying version of HP.  I have to say I am the most boring roleplayer of all time.  I want to partially blame that on my writing skills.  I’m just not a natural writer.  It takes me 20 minutes to send a simple reply email to most people.  No that I’m “playing a character” online, I thought I could give up my perfectionism, but I’m still just as socially awkward in character.  I’m afraid to post something stupid, or something that will cause a negative reaction.  It took me two days to complete a scene, and nothing even came out of it.  It pretty sad that I’m afraid to have an effect in an online world.  Part of the social awkwardness is I don’t know anyone else participating.  And I think most of them aremiddle/high school ages.  Yeah, I feel out of place.  But If I even find and RP game with people my age, I’m sure they’ll mock me since I’ve never done an RP before.

I think I’ll get back to updating regularly soon, since the RP thing just isn’t for me.  As far as life goes, I’m doing ok.  The vitamins seems to keep me somewhat stable and not as lethargic as usual.  I’ve had enough energy to actual start running.  Outside.  In Public.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not really sure why I’m able to overcome my paranoia now, after so many years of being afraid to exercise in public.  I’ve only had two potential issues with people while running.  When I pass someone I tend to look down/ignore them.  Partially because I’m out of breath.  And I think I can get away with it since I have my headphones on.  I passed a group of HS girls a couple times on one run (I was doing loops)  and one pointed at me the second time and said something to the others.  They can go fuck themselves. I know I’m an awkward runner and I’m not that fast, but at least I’m trying.

The second incident was yesterday.  I passed two late teens/early twenties, not exactly high class boys getting into their car.  they decided to turn around and follow me for a bit.  I don’t really understand why, since I’m still overweight and not all that attractive when my face is red and sweaty.  That made me uncomfortable.

Regardless, I’ll still keep running for as long it’s light outside.  I found my 2.5 mile route (idiots permitting) and hopefully now I can work on getting a decent time, and in decent shape 🙂  I’m finding that running is just as cathartic as writing.  It lets me escape my daily stress and (almost) no one can bother me.

Giving up control to be accepted

I really annoy myself sometimes.  I spend months in self imposed social isolation, and then once I start to crave social interaction again, I want to say just screw it, and go back in my hole.

So I missed the release of the final HP movie (HP is my obsession).  I try to do those things with J and her family, but that didn’t work out (family emergencies on her side, so no blame there).  But now we made plans to go tomorrow and she just called to say now we’re going on sunday since that’s when everyone else can go.  I’m always just this appendage to the core group, like my opinion doesn’t mean anything.  What if I was busy?  At least I got them to not go at 11 pm, when you know, people have to get up and go to work in the morning.  I feel bad saying that but, she can be so flaky, so we might not even go anyway.  Now I have this giant knot in my stomach because plans I was looking forward to are changing. I don’t like giving up control, which is necessary when dealing with the hive mind of a group of friends (well, any social relationship requires give and take, but I’m so overwhelmingly the one just going along for the ride.  To make everyone else happy.  So they’ll like me.  So I can say I have friends…)

Also, and I hate mention him in every post, but The Boy asked me to dinner on sunday night (kind of our regular thing).  So I make a choice, dinner or HP.  The Boy asked me after I agreed to go on saturday with J, so I’m kinda committed to HP.  Plus, it’s the last one so this dilemma won’t happen again.  I’ve gone Sundays without seeing The Boy, but I miss him, and haven’t seen him all week.  Then again, he’s been with his friend from out of town all day, and will be with him until mid afternoon Sunday.  So it’s kind of like he’s just fitting me afterwards anyway.

ugh.

Perceived Restrictions

I can’t believe the weekend is over already.  I feel like I didn’t do anything that I wanted to do.  I helped my mom renovate the kitchen, but still, it sucks that I work 50 hour weeks, never have time to do anything after work and then my weekend gets sucked into whatever my mom had planned.  All this while my brother gets to go out everyday, stay over with his girlfriend in the city and my mom doesn’t even blink an eye.  I know there’s a double standard with parents and their kids;  boys get much more free reign, even if they’re younger.  At least I’ve been able to convince my mom it’s ok for my to stay out past midnight.  She always needs to know where I am, where I’m going and she has successfully trained me (from past arguments) to feel guilty if I don’t.  I can never fully ejoy myself when I’m out, since I’m worried she’ll call, or email and, me, being a polite person, doesn’t check my phone every 2 minutes.  I always dread the ride home, wondering if she’ll be up.  If she is, then it’s another 20 minutes trying to have a half conversation with her and not to get her angry (she’s always so touchy when she’s tired or had a drink in her).  Things have been ok lately, but the first time I stayed out past 11 with The Boy, she had my brother call me, even though I called her 4 hours earlier to tell her where I’d be.  Then she gets upset with me the next day, saying she thought I learned my lesson with the ex.  I’m not sure what her real problem was, since she knew where I was (I gave the address), that I’d be out late, and oh yeah, I’m 23 years old with a graduate degree and a full time, respectable job.

Yeah, so that was a couple years ago, but the fear of having another of those arguments always haunts me.  I never know when she’ll be ok or decide to flip out over nothing.  I want to move out, and start my life.  I’m tired of answering to someone who still treats me like an incompetent child.  She won’t let me cut the lawn or even wash the dishes the past two days, because she “doesn’t want the new counters to get wet”.  I feel like I need to grow, that I’m stuck in my personality and way of thinking.  I want to some control over my day to day life.  I feel restricted in that I can’t do anything without telling her, almost like asking permission.  If I want to eat dinner at 9 pm or decide one day to have a 12 hour movie marathon, I want the option.  I cant even eat breakfast without her wanting me to do something.  I should just make myself less available, but I like to be home.  And the lack of friends to do things with gives me less opportunities.  Like there’s an HP movie marathon at the local theater this week and I would love to geek out and go see all of them, but there’s no way that would get past my mom.  I brought it up and all she said was, “that’s alot of sitting” and “don’t you you have those on dvd?”

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my mom.  But sometimes I think we’d be  better off if I lived elsewhere.  If only she’d let me leave…