I think I’ve lost touch with reality again. I think I just want something so much that I’ve built up this whole scenario in my head. I know I’m a fool for thinking it’s true, but I don’t know how to stop myself. I’m seating myself up for heart break.
I don’t know if it’s the stress involved that causes me to construct a safe alternative reality, or if I’m just so delusional and egotistical that I just assume this can happen.
There are two issues, where I set myself up for unrealistic expectations. The first is my epic return to grad school. I went from thinking I *might* be able to get into a state school to “I totally deserve to be in a n Ivy league school, because I’m doing well in one class at said school”. A year ago I was terrified and thought I could never handle the stress involved in the Ivy school. Now I believe that not only would I survive, but I might even do well there. I’m not totally sure what my basis is for the change, besides I’m focused and see others that are doing what I want to do and for once I don’t think I’m that far away from them.
It’s going to be a huge blow to my ego when I don’t get in next year. The voice of doubt and failure in my head from last year is still there. It’s just much quieter. I just can’t decide if it’s putting me down or just a voice of reason.
This partially leads into my other false reality. I believe if I don’t get in, I’m going to disappoint The Boy and he’ll leave me. It’s stupid and extreme, but I’m not sure it’s that unlikely a result. He went to Ivy and has been heavy interested in my return to school. Sometimes I feel like a fake person around him, because my true self is childish and hyper and rambles to the point of incoherency. I try to control it around him, but it slips out. He’s still hangin out with me for over 6 years, so I’m either really good at hiding the crazy or he ignores it for some reason. I still have no idea why he likes me. No one has ever been my friend for this long and been so close to me.
This may be the other false reality. To me, he’s my best friend. I don’t think he feels the same way about me though. I’m kept in a separate compartment of his life where I only see him in certain situations and I don’t mix with his friends (I’ve never met them, although he used to talk about them more).
This is why I need to keep writing about him. To remind myself that my definition of an intimate/devoted relationship is not the same as normal people. What is probably just a regular friend (even work friend) to him is a soul mate to me. I’ve fallen in love with someone supportive, nice, smart, funny and someone who genuinely cares about me. Those are great qualities to have, but also ones that should come with a standard friend. I think that’s all he sees me as, but I’m seeing so much more potential than that. I’m terrified to put myself out there in fear of losing him. There is not much worse than acknowledging your love for someone and scaring them away. It’s not that anything significant has changed in our relationship over the past few months. I’m just seeing his qualities in a more long term light. I want to be with him, and imagine my life with him to a disturbingly concrete level. But The relationship isn’t actually moving in that direction. I just see it in my head and forget it’s not real.
I know sharing this would him would be upsetting, as this has happened to me before. Someone who I saw as only an acquaintance had built up a whole romantic relationship with me over a year. it became so intense for him that when he shared it with me he thought there was a chance. It freaked me out and upset me. I don’t want to do that to The Boy.
The problem is I don’t know if I should be moving one to someone else. I feel close to him and attempting to be close to someone else feels like a betrayal. However, he may be more romantically interested in others. I have no idea. He doesn’t talk about his friends anymore, and never mentions any other girls. I wish would just so I can have closure.
I want the story in my head to stop playing. I’m afraid I’m going to act on fabricated information.