Tag Archives: relationships

My Fantasy Reality

I think I’ve lost touch with reality again.  I think I just want something so much that I’ve built up this whole scenario in my head. I know I’m a fool for thinking it’s true, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I’m seating myself up for heart break.

I don’t know if it’s the stress involved that causes me to construct a safe alternative reality, or if I’m just so delusional and egotistical that I just assume this can happen.

There are two issues, where I set myself up for unrealistic expectations.  The first is my epic return to grad school.  I went from thinking I *might* be able to get into a state school to “I totally deserve to be in a n Ivy league school, because I’m doing well in one class at said school”.  A year ago I was terrified and thought I could never handle the stress involved in the Ivy school.  Now I believe that not only would I survive, but I might even do well there.  I’m not totally sure what my basis is for the change, besides I’m focused and see others that are doing what I want to do and for once I don’t think I’m that far away from them.

It’s going to be a huge blow to my ego when I don’t get in next year.  The voice of doubt and failure in my head from last year is still there.  It’s just much quieter.  I just can’t decide if it’s putting me down or just a voice of reason.

This partially leads into my other false reality.  I believe if I don’t get in, I’m going to disappoint The Boy and he’ll leave me.  It’s stupid and extreme, but I’m not sure it’s that unlikely a result.  He went to Ivy and has been heavy interested in my return to school.  Sometimes I feel like a fake person around him, because my true self is childish and hyper and rambles to the point of incoherency.  I try to control it around him, but it slips out.  He’s still hangin out with me for over 6 years, so I’m either really good at hiding the crazy or he ignores it for some reason.  I still have no idea why he likes me.  No one has ever been my friend for this long and been so close to me.

This may be the other false reality.  To me, he’s my best friend.  I don’t think he feels the same way about me though.  I’m kept in a separate compartment of his life where I only see him in certain situations and I don’t mix with his friends (I’ve never met them, although he used to talk about them more).

This is why I need to keep writing about him.  To remind myself that my definition of an intimate/devoted relationship is not the same as normal people.  What is probably just a regular friend (even work friend) to him is a soul mate to me.  I’ve fallen in love with someone supportive, nice, smart, funny and someone who genuinely cares about me. Those are great qualities to have, but also ones that should come with a standard friend.  I think that’s all he sees me as, but I’m seeing so much more potential than that.  I’m terrified to put myself out there in fear of losing him.  There is not much worse than acknowledging your love for someone and scaring them away.  It’s not that anything significant has changed in our relationship over the past few months.  I’m just seeing his qualities in a more long term light.  I want to be with him, and imagine my life with him to a disturbingly concrete level.  But The relationship isn’t actually moving in that direction.  I just see it in my head and forget it’s not real.

I know sharing this would him would be upsetting, as this has happened to me before.  Someone who I saw as only an acquaintance had built up a whole romantic relationship with me over a year.  it became so intense for him that when he shared it with me he thought there was a chance.  It freaked me out and upset me.  I don’t want to do that to The Boy.

The problem is I don’t know if I should be moving one to someone else.  I feel close to him and attempting to be close to someone else feels like a betrayal.  However, he may be more romantically interested in others.  I have no idea.  He doesn’t talk about his friends anymore, and never mentions any other girls.  I wish would just so I can have closure.

I want the story in my head to stop playing.  I’m afraid I’m going to act on fabricated information.

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A stalker in the making

So I’m a little creeped out by the new guy at work.  Everyone at my work is a little off in their personality in some way or another, but this guy has reached a new level of awkward towards me.  So I got stuck needing his help to set up for a demo, which should have taken 20 minutes, but I ended up stuck in the lab alone with him for 1.5 hours 😦  He’s very nice and pleasant, but he’s clearly very lonely and that somehow became my problem.  I get it, he’s stuck alone on the otherside of campus and his wife works nights, but I don’t see why I have to be the work friend.  I don’t have much reason to interact with him outside of meetings.  So when I was stuck int he lab he started talking all about geeky stuff, some of which I was interested in, most of it I was just trying to be polite and nice and act how I thought a normal socially correct human being would.

Well, that clearly backfired.  He mistook my politeness for genuine interest and is now constantly trying to find more ways to spend time with me.  Mostly by bringing in his homemade board games and trying to get me to play.  The day after that meeting he brought a backpack full of homemade games and walked all the way across campus to see if I wanted to play with him.   Every time he sees me he wants to know if I have time to play.  Before I knew how creepy this would turn out to be, I agreed, but got called away at the last minute (you know, for WORK related things, because I’m at WORK!).  He seemed very miffed by that, but oh well.  I tried to be vague and never made a another time with him, but he clearly did not get the message.

He stopped by my office (with the backpack again!) without any warning today.  I couldn’t give a good excuse as to why I couldn’t play so I ended up spending an hour playing.  It was fun and once the game started going he acted like a normal person, but as soon as I said I had to go back to work, he entered creep mode again.  Not even before the game was put away he said “That was fun we definitely need to do that more often” and “Mind if I walk back down to your office?  I don’t want to go back to mine yet”.  Ugh.  Then he goes into trying to setup the next time to play, but I seriously can’t give him a reliable time with the amount of work I have to do (And shouldn’t he be working too?).  He was very adament about getting the procedure down for trying to setup a time (email, stop by).  Again, vagueness went over his head.  If he would just chill the fuck out I wouldn’t mind so much, since that game was fun.  But seriously dude, back off.

This is what I get for being nice.

I guess it’s over…

So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him.  And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦

I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us.  I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.

I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok.  but now he’s essentially disappeared.

I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me.  I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype.  And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.

My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out.  I’ve moved past that reaction.  I thought I was his friend again.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.

Second Tier Friend

I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s been right in my face so I need to talk about it again.   I have two people I can call my friends, which may not even be friends by some people’s definitions; The Boy and J.  I’ve known J since middle school but our relationship kind of fades in and out.  Lately we’ve been getting long well, we actually hung out a couple times in two weeks, which is impressive since we only see each other a couple times a year.  Which is dumb since she lives in the next town.

So we spend an afternoon/night getting dinner, playing games and cruising the mall and everything seem great.  We find a game she absolutely wants to try but can’t afford.  a few days later I end up getting it and she’s super excited to play.  I invite her to my house (which I never do.  She doesn’t drive so I always go to hers, plus that’s where the other people are).  turns out she isn’t good at the game and I think I made her uncomfortable since we ended up having dinner with my family.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t invite people over.  It’s an inconvenience to my mother and I end up upsetting the general order of things.

So I think everything is ok at the end of the night, but I haven’t heard from her since.  I posted a link to her facebook wall I thought she’d like, but she completely ignored it.  We always “like” each other’s links.  since we don’t see each other often, this is how we maintain a friendship.  I know I’m over analyzing this, but I don’t want to lose the few “friends” I have.  It’s like she only wanted to hang out with me when we do what she finds interesting.  And I will cave to whatever she wants to do, but I won’t be able to contribute much.  We have very different personalities and few things in common.  Probably not enough to maintain the friendship, but we get along ok.

Plus we made theoretical plans to take a vacation together when she graduates but I doubt that will happen.  I’ve been dying to go to HP world and she already went but would go again.  I know I’m being selfish in wanting to go but I don’t have anyone else.  I’d go alone but that’s not as much fun and kind of sad 😦

So now that I’m of no longer any use to J, I may not hear from her for a while.  And now I’ve found out (via facebook posts) she has a new comic book nerd friend and they are exchanging messages like crazy. This is going to be painful to watch unfold.

And I lent her some DVDs the last time we hung out.  I wonder if I’ll get those back.

</rant>

Something good for once

I rarely post about the good things in my life, since there are relatively few of them, and the hell in my head makes me forget them.  With that I’d like to post about one positive change I made, which a few years ago, I probably never would have.

I moved into a new office at work.  Yes, yes, groundbreaking personal growth </sarcasm>,  It actually is a big step for me, given how much I hate change.  I always choose the devil I know.  I’ve been in the same office since I started working there 5 years ago, with the same office mate.  My office mate and I were never all that personal to each other.  I think it was just the awkwardness and differences in our personalities.  He also worked somewhat different hours than me so I had the office to myself for periods of time.  It was a decent setup, with some occasioanl inconviences, but I know I could have been in a much worse situation.

So, then my coworker, who I actually work on the same project with asked me to move into his office when his old office mate moved out.  At first I was hesitant, since I wouldn’t know how the dynamic would be.  We got along well and talked daily anyway, but I was afraid that even more social interaction would just exhaust me and put me over my limit.

He has a strong personality and likes to get things done, so I had a hard time telling him no.  I’m glad I didn’t tell him no though.  I’m actually happy going into work, knowing the person a few feet away likes me and likes talking to me.  It’s not too much interaction, and since we’re on the same project we get a bit more work done, than when we were running back and forth to each others’ office.

Also, it turns out he is the best office mate ever 🙂  He made me a cake for my birthday, bought me a light bulb for my lamp and today I came in a found a box of homemade cookies on my desk.  I picked him out a nice christmasy plant to give him tomorrow.  It’s not much in comparison, but I’m not used to gift giving acquaintances.  My social development is improving, and for once I made a positive change in my life (given a strong push, of course).

Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.