The Boy update:
So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore. I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball. We got along fine then. I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other. Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now. I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts. I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style. I tried, actually, and that backfired. Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?” The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”. occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path. So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends. I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question. I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions. I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday. I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off. I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him. If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place? I don’t get it. All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to). We don’t even go out anymore. I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).
I guess I’ve finally had enough. I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship. I want a real one. I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on. I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense. I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not. Maybe I’m expecting too much.
I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid. I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it. And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site. They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.
Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal. Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.) I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, depression, life, relationship, relationships, sex, stress, update, virgin, virginity
Tagged alone, analysis, anxiety, ball, boyfriend, dating, decisions, depression, failure, fear, friend, friendship, frustrated, jealousy, learning, life, okcupid, reflection, relationships, risk, situations, stress, thoughts, tired, trust, update
I swear The Boy can read my mind sometimes. A day after my extreme jealousy rant, I get the standard “are you coming to ball tomorrow?” email from The Boy. Only this time he asked me to come over afterward and watch the game. I don’t think we’ve spent time together after ball in at least a year. He knows if I said yes, that I’d have to take a shower at his place. The first time he asked me over after ball was 2 years ago. And that time we were so close to actually start dating (serious flirting, hand on my thigh+backrub kind of flirting). Somehow that got screwed up and we started the circle of getting closer and drifting way from each other. After yesterday, I’d say we’re back in the significant flirting phase. No backrub this time, but he held me in his arms alot longer than he usually does. It was past midnight and he waited for me get up, instead of him usually shifting his body so I’d have to get up. I nearly fell asleep in his arms. He also may have kissed my head lightly, but I’m not really sure. It was so light and quick, it may have just been his chin brushing against me. He’s never tried to kiss me (anywhere).
I’m never sure where his mind is or what his intentions are. 3 years of this circle and I still have no idea what he really wants (it seems to change with time). He seems content with the way things are most of the time. Most guys would want a lot more, especially after 3 years of spending time alone with someone who is clearly into you. My worst fear is that he doesn’t want a significant relationship with me because he’s getting what he needs from someone else. That’s would be ok, but only if he’d just tell me, so I wouldn’t feel guilty pursing someone else. He is a good friend, and treats me better than any guy before.
My cynical self just thinks the attention is because he feel guilty about being attracted to the new intern. I hate being this pessimistic, but I’m just trying to protect myself. I don’t want to be made a fool of. I don’t really know what he does on saturdays (or who he’s with). I do know that two months in a row last year some woman has been over the day before I was (She left something in his bathroom only a woman would need). Someday I’ll get the courage to talk to him about “us”. I hate this limbo but far too terrified to lose him to risk talking about it.
For now at least, I’ll just enjoy the moment.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, inner thoughts, relationships, Uncategorized, update
Tagged analysis, boyfriend, confused, dating, friendship, jealousy, relationships, stress, update