Second Tier Friend

I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s been right in my face so I need to talk about it again.   I have two people I can call my friends, which may not even be friends by some people’s definitions; The Boy and J.  I’ve known J since middle school but our relationship kind of fades in and out.  Lately we’ve been getting long well, we actually hung out a couple times in two weeks, which is impressive since we only see each other a couple times a year.  Which is dumb since she lives in the next town.

So we spend an afternoon/night getting dinner, playing games and cruising the mall and everything seem great.  We find a game she absolutely wants to try but can’t afford.  a few days later I end up getting it and she’s super excited to play.  I invite her to my house (which I never do.  She doesn’t drive so I always go to hers, plus that’s where the other people are).  turns out she isn’t good at the game and I think I made her uncomfortable since we ended up having dinner with my family.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t invite people over.  It’s an inconvenience to my mother and I end up upsetting the general order of things.

So I think everything is ok at the end of the night, but I haven’t heard from her since.  I posted a link to her facebook wall I thought she’d like, but she completely ignored it.  We always “like” each other’s links.  since we don’t see each other often, this is how we maintain a friendship.  I know I’m over analyzing this, but I don’t want to lose the few “friends” I have.  It’s like she only wanted to hang out with me when we do what she finds interesting.  And I will cave to whatever she wants to do, but I won’t be able to contribute much.  We have very different personalities and few things in common.  Probably not enough to maintain the friendship, but we get along ok.

Plus we made theoretical plans to take a vacation together when she graduates but I doubt that will happen.  I’ve been dying to go to HP world and she already went but would go again.  I know I’m being selfish in wanting to go but I don’t have anyone else.  I’d go alone but that’s not as much fun and kind of sad 😦

So now that I’m of no longer any use to J, I may not hear from her for a while.  And now I’ve found out (via facebook posts) she has a new comic book nerd friend and they are exchanging messages like crazy. This is going to be painful to watch unfold.

And I lent her some DVDs the last time we hung out.  I wonder if I’ll get those back.

</rant>

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

Another Down Day

Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.

Well, that came out of nowhere…

I swear The Boy can read my mind sometimes.  A day after my extreme jealousy rant, I get the standard “are you coming to ball tomorrow?” email from The Boy.  Only this time he asked me to come over afterward and watch the game.  I don’t think we’ve spent time together after ball in at least a year.  He knows if I said yes, that I’d have to take a shower at his place.  The first time he asked me over after ball was 2 years ago.  And that time we were so close to actually start dating (serious flirting, hand on my thigh+backrub kind of flirting).  Somehow that got screwed up and we started the circle of getting closer and drifting way from each other.  After yesterday, I’d say we’re back in the significant flirting phase.  No backrub this time, but he held me in his arms alot longer than he usually does.  It was past midnight and he waited for me get up, instead of him usually shifting his body so I’d have to get up.  I nearly fell asleep in his arms.  He also may have kissed my head lightly, but I’m not really sure.  It was so light and quick, it may have just been his chin brushing against me.  He’s never tried to kiss me (anywhere).

I’m never sure where his mind is or what his intentions are.  3 years of this circle and I still have no idea what he really wants (it seems to change with time).  He seems content with the way things are most of the time.  Most guys would want a lot more, especially after 3 years of spending time alone with someone who is clearly into you.  My worst fear is that he doesn’t want a significant relationship with me because he’s getting what he needs from someone else.  That’s would be ok, but only if he’d just tell me, so I wouldn’t feel guilty pursing someone else.  He is a good friend, and treats me better than any guy before.

My cynical self just thinks the attention is because he feel guilty about being attracted to the new intern. I hate being this pessimistic, but I’m just trying to protect myself. I don’t want to be made a fool of. I don’t really know what he does on saturdays (or who he’s with). I do know that two months in a row last year some woman has been over the day before I was (She left something in his bathroom only a woman would need).  Someday I’ll get the courage to talk to him about “us”.  I hate this limbo but far too terrified to lose him to risk talking about it.

For now at least, I’ll just enjoy the moment.

A Jealous Fool

Well, I was going to post how stable I was this week, but that all went out the door today.  There was the meeting where I had nothing to say, and the small talk before hand was just awkward.  I didn’t think I was early (I usually am), but most others were late (or didn’t even show).  Sadly that’s where I got the info that set off my instant, completely irrational jealousy.  The Boy was overseeing the new intern.  The new, smarter, slightly older female intern.  And she has the same major/research background as me.  I know, it’s stupid to think anything at this point, but The Boy met me as an intern.  And I didn’t even work directly with him at the time.  She’s in our department, I don’t understand really why he’s involved so much.  I’ll have to wait to see how this plays out.  I assume he won’t invite her to ball after work.  Hopefully she’s not interested in sports.  That may be the only thing I have going for me now (which is pretty sad to base an entire relationship around athletics, but the entirety of our relationship is best described in a future post).  I guess I’ll see how the rest of the week plays out to really judge.  I just wish The Boy was more open with me.  Then maybe I wouldn’t be freaking out every time he talks to a girl.  Then again, if I was more secure in myself, I could just ask him or ignore it and hope it goes away.

And to think I spend 20 minutes analyzing when the best time to leave my office was to get lunch so I wouldn’t run into him.  I still managed to do so.  In a goddamn stairwell.  Fate hates me today.