Tag Archives: food

Social Anxiety Strikes Again

Well, it’s Thursday.  The day my SA usually kicks in.  I had the bright idea last night to try to return to pickup ball after taking the summer off for softball.  Naturally, I bailed at the last minute.  I know it will be easier  once I start going on a regular basis, but today was little tougher to get going.  The Boy wasn’t going to be there, which is usually my main reason for going.  It’s also easier since I tend to use him a social crutch, staying near him when there are alot of people around.  I should have known last night he wasn’t going to be there since he emailed me and didn’t ask if I was going (he always asks).  stupid me didn’t realize this until after I told the household I would be home late.  Boy, we’re they surprised when they found my car in the driveway when they got home.

So no Boy, too afraid to play with a bunch of near strangers, and afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of said strangers since I haven’t played in a while.  Also, I’m not very good.  I know this, but I keep wanting to play anyway.  I must be a masochist.  I’m the only girl there, and some of the guys are nice and actually pass me the ball.  I’m just afraid without my friends there, I will be cast to the sidelines/ignored like on some school-yard pickup game.  ugh.

So instead of ball, I got a smoothie and ran/walked a couple miles when I got home.  I also have a slice of cheesecake waiting for me.

The one thing that did lift my spirits today was my friend let me drive his new Mustang convertible.  That was pretty awesome.  I want one 🙂

 

Still here…

Sorry for not posting more than once a week.  When I first started this blog, I had a rampant stream of thoughts in my head I needed to get out.  I’ve been feeling complacent/almost content lately, so the chaotic monkeys in the brain have settled down.  I also spent last week organizing my room, which gives me a sense of calm.  I’m greatly affected by the environment I’m in.  Now that things are (mostly) orderly and I removed alot of things I don’t use, my mind is at ease.

I cleaned out my closet of everything I’m too fat to fit in.  I can now see all the clothes I have and I no longer have the depressing thought of “I’ll fit into these eventually”.  I know that’s supposed to be a good motivator for weight loss, but it’s been years and I’m still 20+ lbs over where I was in college.  One thing I don’t like about my job is the sitting.  I went from walking miles a day in college to just walking to the car.  I always think I’ll find balance eventually, mostly when I move out on my own, and I’m not forced to eat dinner I didn’t make every night.  I’m tired of the structure I’m tired of the structure I’m living in.  My life is not my own.  family is improtant to me, and deep down I am terrified to leave them, but I know it’s best for my mentality that I do.  I don’t need to go far, but it will still be a huge change.  I don’t react well to huge changes.

Well, that’s the stream of consciousness for today.  Ball with The Boy tomorrow hopefully.