I am not important

Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything.  Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write.  I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move.  I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better.  Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.

Well, that’s the positive things lately.  My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again.  I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others.  I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life.  I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.

I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member.  I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day.  Turns out another friend helped her more.  I have no idea why or how.  I just saw the shoutout on facebook.  I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this.  J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.

Another example.  The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?)  I still have no idea what our relationship is.  There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant.  We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town.  But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before.  I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me.  Anything.  I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work.  I don’t understand why he bothers with me.  I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging.  I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info.  I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard

I deserve to be with someone, right?  Who loves me and wants to share their life with me?  Is that allowed for someone like me?

Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet.  I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone.  Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them


2 responses to “I am not important

  1. Hi there,
    You have gone into great detail about your situation. I think everyone has experienced these kind of feelings from time to time. I think the problem is when it becomes a regular thing. You can change the way you feel for sure. I think you just need to change the way you look at things, which can be easier said than done. Have a look on my blog to see if some of the things I have written are of any help to you. I write pieces that probably need to be read many times to get the hidden meaning, but I have great confidence in words and their positive effect on the mind and on life itself. I know that some literature on positive thinking can change the way you look at the world, and hence the way the world interacts with you. I have only started blogging recently but hope to add more every day to hopefully help others. I share my opinions, but people are free to take it or leave it. Things will get better….

  2. Thanks. I know alot of this is just in my head, which makes me feel even more guilty since I should be able to stop feeling this way. I should get involved in CBT, and someday I will suck it up and try to fix myself, but the exhaustion is overwhelming for now. The days where I just say “fuck it” and somehow stopped caring about everything were the days I was happiest. That also isn’t the healthiest (since I also don’t care about the consequences), but it’s a start.

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