I’m a slave to my family, and I can’t break it. Everything they want, I cave to. I don’t know why I’m so weak. Why I must always keep my mother happy. I should have left years ago. As I get closer to closing on the house that I essentially bought for my brother to live in, I keep thinking “what if”. It’s horrible and I’m in tears writing this and thinking about it. Where my life would be, who I’d be with, who I would be. I know it’s all just a fantasy, and I’m probably just looking at the optimal outcome, but it sucks. I swear I’d have a better career, maybe even married by now. At least I’d have the opportunity for a serious relationship. I can’t do that when I can’t have anyone over, with privacy. Not with her emailing or calling me when I’m out. I let her walk all over me for fear of just getting yelled at. I don’t know why she terrifies me so much. NOw my life savings are tied to a house that I have to continually pay for and my brother lives in. Today my mom was going on about how happy my brother will be. “He gets his own house, where he’s incharge” . No shit. For some reason he gets that, but I don’t. I’m stuck here essentially as her husband. I want my own life and now I’m trapped even more.
The tears don’t stop. I don’t know a way out. I’m so afraid I’m going to something very stupid to myself. At least I don’t know where the razors are anymore. Sometimes just thinking about cutting again makes me feel better. I hope that will be enough. I can’t afford to get anymore scars. I don’t have a cat to blame them on anymore. I feel so powerless and foolish.
People have gotten to me. Everyone. I can’t stand strangers, my friends, my friends of friends, and my family. Everyone acts in their own self interest, which I get. That’s needed for survival. But in society, we can step beyond that.
I was worn down a week ago. I spend the day with J, who I’m only realizing now can be high drama and selfish. She’ll attach herself to the strongest personality in the room. I think that’s why I like her one on one. She can be focused, but when we reach her other friends, I’m dropped fairly quickly. She’ll come back to talk to me when they drop her. That day was exhausting. We ended the night at a party for a scifi convention and I thought that would be a good time to meet new people (for some reason I was up for that). No, her friends met with other friends and we were stuck in various edges of groups. I don’t understand the point of parties. Everyone there was just talking to their own people.
Next was my family. Thanksgiving, which means stress. I can’t tolerate holidays anymore. The catering to other people, the expectations, the forced socialization. It was just my grandparents, but my grandmother can be a handful. She’ll hide things and watch us spend 20 minutes looking for it. My grandfather is good, but we only talk about real estate. I don’t have anything in common with my family.
And now the mother rant. The one person who I thought I could trust and count on forever. As with previous posts, I’ve mentioned her selfishness and neediness is becoming evident. There are other words for her, but I don’t know what. She guilts me into all sorts of behavior, and I cave quickly. Ic an’t stay overnight anywhere without getting my head spun around. I can’t even go visit a friend without X days notice (and she’ll forget anyway). God forbid I have someone over the house without her making a huge deal about it. She’ll complain about dirty rugs or she can’t do laundry while my friend’s here. So many excuses. Now she’s accusing me of not “contributing to the household”. Seriously? I spend thousands of dollars a month, plus my time. Don’t accuse me of being a jobless deadbeat child living off you. I buy everything you could want or need. It’s not my fault you spend $5000 for a car that sits in the driveway to rot (she has another car). Now it’s up to me to cover the other expenses? She doesn’t care about my life at all. She wants me home, and writing checks to her. I’ll gladly pay whatever utilities need to be covered, but don’t expect me to just write you a check.
Ugh. She even successfully bullied me into buying a house. I should have said no years ago. My brother will rent it from me, but it won’t cover all the costs, so I have to pay for that as well.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so weak, and I can’t escape. I just feel trapped.
I can believe the conversation I just had. I tried to re order contacts online (as I usually do), and was told my prescription had expired. What? Not only did I have an eye examine last month, but was given a new prescription. No technically, it was not a contact lens prescription, but I’ve been able to order contacts without a problem before this. So I called my eye doctor (a hole in a strip mall, classy), and was proptly told that I denied having a contact lens fitting at my eye exam. Yes, I didn’t think it was necessary for a fitting. My contacts fit fine. Just the astigmatism value changed. So now they’re making me come in Wednesday to get a fitting. I asked if I had to pay for a whole examine again, even though I was there a month ago. The teenage secretary I was dealing with thought about it for a while, and by her good graces I don’t need to pay for another visit (my insurance wouldn’t cover more than one visit per year). I only have to pay the $80 “fitting” fee. WTF? I’m finding a new eye doctor. A real eye doctor. My astigmatism value changed so much in one year, and I was reasonably concerned. In the awkward silence that was the eye exam I asked why that would happen, age maybe? She said “we should keep an eye on that” without even looking up. Great, no possible reasons, no word on if I should be worried. I would like to find someone who can at least pretend to care about my health, especially since I’m giving them my money.
If it’s the same bitchy eye doctor then I’m sure she’s going to yell at me for not getting the fitting earlier. Well, screw you. I can barely afford it. Just take my damn insurance money and leave me alone.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, life, stress, update
Tagged analysis, anger, anxiety, contacts, doctor, eye, frustrated, glasses, health, money, stress, update