Self destruct sequence, engaged

I don’t know how this happened.  why am I talking to him?  why did I become closer friends to him?  I am so damaged and crave male attention that I’m worried for my own well being at this point.  I came so close to kissing him.  Why did I let myself get so easily manipulated.  He did do the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.  I am so weak.  Now I fantasize about him.  and I was never even remotely attracted to him before.  And he made it clear he had selfish intentions.  what the fuck is wrong with me?  I hope when I do see him, and not just text him, my senses will come back to me.  I can tolerate him on the internet, but he is too overwhelming in person.

Why can’t the nice, single guys like me?  why is it always creepers?  What about me makes me an easy target?

Blah

Sorry for not posting.  I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better.   I haven’t sleep much this week.  Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is.  I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for.  Like independence from my family.  I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out.  Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age.  She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me.  I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want.  I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do.  They don’t even ask.  I’m sick of doing what I’m told.  I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly.  I just want to do what I want.  Why am I not allowed?  oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am.  That’s why I don’t do what I want.  I’m terrified of her.  I need to stop.

Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house.  Seriously, this is how she thinks.  Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ).  I mentioned  buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you).  I don’t know how to argue with her.

And I feel so guilty if I do leave.  She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years.  She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here.  I hate feeling so trapped.

And now I’m crying again.  Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time.  Ugh.

Social Anxiety Strikes Again

Well, it’s Thursday.  The day my SA usually kicks in.  I had the bright idea last night to try to return to pickup ball after taking the summer off for softball.  Naturally, I bailed at the last minute.  I know it will be easier  once I start going on a regular basis, but today was little tougher to get going.  The Boy wasn’t going to be there, which is usually my main reason for going.  It’s also easier since I tend to use him a social crutch, staying near him when there are alot of people around.  I should have known last night he wasn’t going to be there since he emailed me and didn’t ask if I was going (he always asks).  stupid me didn’t realize this until after I told the household I would be home late.  Boy, we’re they surprised when they found my car in the driveway when they got home.

So no Boy, too afraid to play with a bunch of near strangers, and afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of said strangers since I haven’t played in a while.  Also, I’m not very good.  I know this, but I keep wanting to play anyway.  I must be a masochist.  I’m the only girl there, and some of the guys are nice and actually pass me the ball.  I’m just afraid without my friends there, I will be cast to the sidelines/ignored like on some school-yard pickup game.  ugh.

So instead of ball, I got a smoothie and ran/walked a couple miles when I got home.  I also have a slice of cheesecake waiting for me.

The one thing that did lift my spirits today was my friend let me drive his new Mustang convertible.  That was pretty awesome.  I want one 🙂