Category Archives: relationships

My job is the center of my world

And I don’t like it.

Sorry for the hiatus.  I’ve been overworked, and beyond stressed, so much so that it has been a chore to even check my page.  Since August, I’ve applied to grad school, dropped the one course I was taking (and costing me $7K in the process) and attempted to get funding in order for said grad school.  I almost at the deadline for applying to funding, and I feel like it’s all about to fall apart.  The one school I wanted to get into rejected me, and I’m kinda stuck until I hear from the other department at the same school.  Since my work is affiliated with the school, my thesis is sort of tied to that school and it associations with my coworkers.  If I don’t get in, then my research plans fall apart, and I may have to quit in shame.  I feel like it’s totally my fault, like I didn’t try hard enough or want it enough.  I didn’t talk to the right people, at the right time.  I did try, but some didn’t respond, and others didn’t see eye to eye.  I’m not sure how much more I could do without becoming a pushy obnoxious bitch. I get panic attacks when I try to email anyone now.

So the Boy got promoted.  Technically he’s sort of my boss now, but he manages a different subset of people and projects, so I haven’t had to interact with him in any significant way at work.  He’s even been kind enough to not be at my performance or salary review.  We both agreed, before he got promoted, that it would be awkward.  Not that our relationship isn’t awkward anyway.

Not much has changed relationship wise, except we no longer go to lunch.  I had recently learned that some of our coworkers have tried to “figure us out” a few years ago.  We were visibly friends at work, but we don’t even show affection in private, so I’m not sure where they got the idea.  I think they’re just bored and like rumors.  Either way, we don’t even acknowledge each other anymore at work.  Lunch together is out of the question.  What is really upsetting me is we haven’t “gone out”, either to dinner, or just be in public together since he got promoted.  Admittedly, we didn’t do that alot before, but it’s been 6 months and we haven’t even gone out for dinner, including my birthday.  I don’t know if its subconsciously trying to avoid running into anyone, or our relationship is just that boring.

Someday I’d like a boyfriend I can admit to having.

On other relationship news, I saw J once since the death of her brother last summer.  It was at a christmas party with too many people and I shutdown pretty fast.  I’m realizing that I have not much in common with her, and even less so with her friends.  I haven’t seen her sister in who knows how long.  It’s been so long that she’s stopped asking me to hang out.  Too many broken promises on my end.  Still, if I had really wanted to be with her, I would have found a way.  Instead I found excuses.

The only people I can “relax” or act normally around are a small subset of coworkers.  These people have graduated to friends, where I can see them outside of work.  The problem I’m having is if I ever leave for a new job, I don’t know if the friendships will stay.

Hence the title of this post.  Most of my day is at work. My only “friends” are at work.  Hell, even my “boyfriend” is from work.  Sometimes all we talk about is work.  I don’t know if those are real relationships or not.  It’s all I have and it scares me.  My free time is spent thinking about work, and worrying about what I haven’t done, or who I upset.  This is why the grad school situation terrifies me.  If I go, it will be even more time devoted to work (since they are sponsoring, and will benefit from my degree)

Sometimes I just want everything to collapse, so I can start over, and maybe be a better version of me.

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Anxiety Attack

I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time.  I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things.  I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.

This is 100% psychologically stress induced.  Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes.  Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started.  It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough.  She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag.  Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it.  By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…

I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.  She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can.  I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me.  I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes.  She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”.  I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink.  I’m sure they made noise.

God, my chest is pounding again.  I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking.  I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me.  We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue.  We don’t communicate well.  she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things.  She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.

Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have.  Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good.  I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.

I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person.  I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting.  I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are  or just perceived negatively.

I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long.  If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean.  She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”

If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish.  She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time.  She doesn’t want me in grad school.

Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts.  I’m so tired and frustrated and weak.  I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I also started cutting again today.  It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain.  I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.

Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst.  Wonderful.  no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦

Supporting Role

I am not the star of my own TV show.
My life story is not worth telling.
My role is to support others in their lives.
I am not a complete person.
I have nothing to offer others but a distraction from their own lives.
I’m there when it’s convenient, and it fits the plot line.
I’m forgotten while on hiatus.
My life on its own is not important.
I can be use(d/ful) to others.
I’m the character who doesn’t get offered their own spin off series.

I can’t judge relationships

I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me.  I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not.  And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.

My friend, who I see as  brother, just got engaged.  I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously.  Noe once did he mention her.  I don’t even know her name.  I clearly overvalued our friendship.  He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic.  We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works.  I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.

I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.

Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa).  I need to let these feelings go.  His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am.  I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me.  Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.

I am not ok

It’s like every part of my body has an electric charge running through it.  All I want to do is cringe.  Sleep has been sporadic.  I can’t filter what I say so everything is coming out bitchy and offensive and I don’t know how to stop it without completely withdrawing. I keep making mistakes and I forget how to act.  Every unresolved issue is just running in a constant loop in my head, preventing me from acting liking a socially capable human being.  I’ve been using TV as an escape, but it’s not helping anymore.  Time will fix a few problems, but I know if I just leave it alone the outcome may not be what I want.  I don’t know what to do. Now I’m having flashbacks to the same stressed out feeling as when I was a kid.  I remember how lonely I was, each school year bringing a new “best friend”.  Most of the time they didn’t even know they were my best friend.  For the most part, I was used to it and didn’t really think about it too much.  Sometimes, when I thought I found someone who actually cared I tried harder.  One summer I wrote and mailed a letter to my “best friend” just asking to hang out.  Just one day, throughout the entire summer.  She gave some excuse and I learned to give up.  I know I can’t make people do what I want, as much easier as it would be, but  I’ve been so conditioned to expected rejection from any plan I initiate that I no longer bother.  The only one I risk it with, is the Boy.  Much of it stems from our well established patterns of interaction.  I’ve learned when the highest chance of him saying yes will be.  Still, I let him initiate most of the time, but I don’t know how that reflects on me.

I want to run away and start over.  I’m good at the introductions, before people get to know me.  Once I get close I start to push them away.  I can’t maintain relationships like a normal person should.

Sorry for the random assortment of topics, my mind won’t shut off and keeps jumping around every negative, self-loathing thought I can have.  I wish someone could spend a day in my head and either tell my I’m normal or how to make it stop.

Self destruct sequence, engaged

I don’t know how this happened.  why am I talking to him?  why did I become closer friends to him?  I am so damaged and crave male attention that I’m worried for my own well being at this point.  I came so close to kissing him.  Why did I let myself get so easily manipulated.  He did do the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.  I am so weak.  Now I fantasize about him.  and I was never even remotely attracted to him before.  And he made it clear he had selfish intentions.  what the fuck is wrong with me?  I hope when I do see him, and not just text him, my senses will come back to me.  I can tolerate him on the internet, but he is too overwhelming in person.

Why can’t the nice, single guys like me?  why is it always creepers?  What about me makes me an easy target?

I am not adult enough for this

I just had to explain to a married man that I would not have an affair with him. WTF?  No where was I prepared for this type of conversation.  My body is still in shock and upset enough that I still want to throw up.  I understand affairs happen and people cheat for a variety of reasons, but not with and I did not expect someone to adamantly ask for it.

Background: He’s been working on my team for the past year.  He’s one of 3 guys on a 10 person team, which is rare for this industry.  I had the impression that he may have liked me a while ago, but I thought I was just being arrogant.  He’s very outgoing and likes to be around people, so I didn’t think it was that odd that he wanted to say hi, and emailed and talk about mutual interest stuff (scifi/video games).  I know he always eats with someone, and has gone out to lunch/coffee with various members of the team.  Everything seemed above board, except I had this nagging feeling that he was emailing/txting me way more than the others.

Turned out I was right.  He seemed like a really nice guy, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around this person wanting to  cheat on his wife and small child.  He was given his notice (along with a lot of others due to budget cuts), and instead of burying his emotions and moving on from the very inappropriate crush he has on me, he started emailing more and it was clear he was thinking about me way too much.  Come Monday, he comes by to talk to me about his crush and it becomes drama heavy very quickly.  I can’t remember all that he said, but even though I like talking to him, in a very non-sexual and scifi nerd way, his lack of shame and his selfishness was mind boggling.  I’ve never met anyone like it.  Everyone is entitled to their emotions, but he grossly overshared.

I tried to play marriage counselor as best I could, because I don’t believe in cheating, but I’m not sure how much sunk in.  He came back today to really ask me if I was interested and I made it perfectly clear the answer was No.  Even if he were single I wouldn’t go out with him.  He said he did alot of think about his marriage vs being with me, and that a relationship between us would be a short thing he would enjoy.  Ew.  I may be naive, but I’m not a fan of pre determined flings.  But then again, I’m looking for a long term thing.

This conversation should not have happened.  I think he’s either a psychopath or just incredibly selfish.  He even told me he cheated on his wife while they were dating, told her about those incidents because he was getting married, but wouldn’t tell her about this affair.  So creepy.

And I know I’m just being used.  He barely knows me.  His life is just in a sucky place right know and he’s using me as an escape fantasy.  Although the attention (before this conversation) was flattering, and I had been attention starved from the Boy lately, it still upsets me.  I know I”m not at fault, because I have been cold to him, and even after telling him flat out NO, he still tries to flirt.  I’m glad he’s leaving.  If he wants to be friends and have a scifi person to talk to, cool.  Otherwise, leave me alone.

I’m too young for this shit.