I can’t seem to get out of this funk. I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time. I can’t remember anything people tell me. I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute. I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be. Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling. I have no focus. I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it). My mom and I have been fighting. The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore. He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right. I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.
I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better. I hate who I am right now. I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything. I’m floating along in a bubble. I can’t connect to anyone or anything. I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there. The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.
I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck. At least I don’t feel like cutting again.
I apologize for the gibberish. I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.