Tag Archives: health

Oh hey, PMS, it’s been a while.

I actually managed to go a few months without turning in to a psychopath before my period.  Yay.  It also came way earlier than it should have each time, so I guess there wasn’t any time for PMS to kick in.  Now, I’m late again and the past 4 days have been horrible.  I’m anxious, nauseous, skittish and incredibly bitchy and mean to everyone.  It’s not intentional and I hate that I can’t control it.  My normal sarcasm and mean-in-a-fun-way has just turned to mean and angry 😦  I want both to lash out at everything and curl into a ball and hide.

I want to blame the gyno exam I had last week.  After 6 years I finally went back to my doctor for a physical and I didn’t bother arguing with the gyno stuff.  The doctor just assumed I need the tests and only after the fact did she ask if I was or ever sexually active.  It’s really difficult to answer when you want to throw up from the speculum.  Don’t they have teen sizes they could use for people like me?

I said everything was fine, since up until now, things have been.  Now if this keeps up, I’ll have to go back and somehow explain my mental issues related to PMS.  Why can’t it just be a physical problem and I could put a bandaid on it?  Why do I have to sound like a crazy person and explain the crazy.  They didn’t even believe me last time when I got anxiety and paranoia from the hormones.  At least this blog seems to document the issues I have.  I would forget month to month if I didn’t write it down.

I hope this ends soon.  I sat in front of my computer at work for a solid 6 hours and accomplished nothing.  I hate being a girl sometimes.

Oh, sorry to any boy readers.  If you wonder why a girl is randomly crazy for a few days, it’s not her fault and she hates it as much as you do.

Weight will always be an issue

I’ve somehow managed to gain 8 pounds in a month and 3 of those last week alone.  And I have no idea why.  I’ve been exercising almost every day and I expected some of the weight gain to be from muscle build up.  At least, that’s what the guy in the exercise video told me.  I haven’t been eating anything extreme (no binging for once).  I thought I was doing really well since the start of the year, but I can’t seem to lose anything.  I’m almost at my highest weight and I feel awful.  Nothing fits, I’m embarrassed to be seen in public and I know the Boy has noticed.  No wonder he doesn’t want to hang out anymore.  I’ve switched back to 40 minute walking/jogging so maybe that will help.  I achieved my lowest adult weight when I walked/jogged for 45 mins/2.5 miles every day.  I got sick of it, but worked.  Hopefully it work again.  I’m so sick of being fat.  I’ve been trying to lose for years, but it doesn’t go anywhere.  I’ve also started logging my food.  They say just writing what you eat down helps you lose weight, but really I just don’t eat when I want to because I’m too lazy to log in and write it down.  The “calories over” number also depresses me.  There’s no way I can function on 1200 calories a day.

I don’t expect to ever be “thin” but not having back fat bounce around when I walk would be great.

Current stats: 5’7″, 168 lbs for anyone who cares.

Consistency is not my thing

I hadn’t realized it’s been so long since I posted.  I’ve kind of checked out for the past few weeks.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to interact really.  I’m glad february is over.  From my cat dying to  the week of food poisoning, it’s been a sucky month.

I’ve also been going thorugh my yearly “I’m bored with my life and I don’t know how to fix it without thinking of drastic measures” phase.  I want a new job even though the one I have is decent, pays well and I get a good amount of freedom.  Maybe too much.  I accomplushed almost nothing this month.  I spent a week in a daze just surfing the interent.  Then I was home for a week with food poisoning and today I just stayed home for no real reason.  Well, I thought it was going to snow storm, so the commute would have been awful/dangerous, but it ended up ok.  I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to work from home.  No one missed me.

I feel like a failure.  I’m 26 and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.  I just want to quit, move to a beach and work just enough hours to make rent and food.  I have no motivation anymore.  I remember when I was first out of college and I was so amped to be working, and making money and at least feeling appreciated at work.  I don’t get those feelings anymore.  I’m just dead on the inside.

I have no hobbies, and everytime I get an idea for supplemental income, I work on it for a couple days and then just forget about it.  I don’t have the people skills/social graces to start my own business, which is what I think I want to do.  At least then I’ll have responsibility for myself.  But i don’t know any business that doesn’t involve some type of customer.  You never really work for yourself.  Your woking for other people’s money.

I have no sense of pleasure anymore either.  I remember working hard and then being able to reward myself with surfing the interet or food or buying things.  Now I don’t get that high from the reward anymore.  I don’t know if I’ve overindulged myself, taking rewards when I haven’t earned them or I just don’t want the reward anymore.

I want to just chuck it all.

PMS turns me into a sleepy bitch

Sure, growing up I could go 6-8 weeks without it and not even have PMS, but now I’m older I am like clockwork (How do I know?  I have an app on my phone to keep track.  That’s how obsessive I am).  Now every 3.5 weeks, I just get super annoyed/angry and will lash out at anyone who looks at me the wrong way.  I’m shaky and paranoid and super anxious.  I brought this up to my doctor when I first transferred to him, but he passed it off as seasonal affected disorder.  Great, I get why I’m worse in the winter, but giving it a different name does not make it go away.  I just passed out on the living room floor because I’m so exhausted.  Now I’m cold and can’t get the warmth to return to my fingers.  God, I just want to hit something but I’m too tired.  So the weekend should be fun, since my period will actually start then.  Then I’ll be incapacitated for 2 days.  My mom is sick of hearing about me whine about it, but she’ll be just as mean if I’m asleep for two days straight and not tell her.  She thinks I’m faking, so I can get out of doing things.  She doesn’t understand what I go through every month.  I’ve wanted to get a hysterectomy since I was 12, just so I wouldn’t have to go through it.  My stomach is starting to hurt already.

Escaping Reality (via Television)

Whenever I’m particularly lonely or depression is at it’s peak, I find myself becoming obsessive about some fantasy world.  I find some scifi/fantasy TV show and I completely immerse myself in it.  It’s never on purpose, and I feel myself disconnect even more from reality, but it gives me an escape from the world I can’t stand.  Once I get hook on a show (it usually takes about 6-8 episodes over a period of days/weeks), I not only start watching every episode, in order, but spend all my free time surfing the internet for more information.  It could be character back stories, other shows the actors are in, outtakes, or just general news about the show.  It’s gives me something to focus on besides my life.

Below are my past television obsessions,starting with the most recent, marked with years of peak obssesion.  I typically latch on to one show at a time.  Once it’s over, or I’ve exhausted myself (that can take years), I come back to real life for a while.  Once I’m sick of that, I find a new show to “watch”.

  • Doctor Who (current)
    My current obsession, and I don’t even like the show very much.  There’s too much time travel, not enough explanations of why things happen (give me some scifi rules to go on!) and it took me the whole first season to get hooked.  If I do look past the awful scifi and just accept it as fantasy, the show is a bit more entertaining than I think it’s going to be.  What really hooked me was the relationship between the Doctor and Rose.  At first a little weird, but once they started showing love toward each other, I couldn’t get enough of it.  I’m a sucker for a good love story.  i just finished season 2 and Rose is gone, so I’m not too excited about the remaining season.  i get attached to the characters and Doctor is known for it’s heavy actor rotation.  I just hope the episodes where Rose comes back are worth it.
  • Buffy/Angel (2006-2008)
    I got hooked on this pretty mush after the series ended.  Honestly, I couldn’t stand it when it was on. I can’t stand waiting week to week or month to month to continue the story.  It doesn’t give me that high I need from watching 6 episodes in a row (which I do more often than not).  Again, sucker for a good love story,  and what’s more epic than a vampire and a slayer? (for full disclosure, I’ve read all the twilight books and I am completely offended by Stephanie Meyer.  That woman should never be allowed near pen and paper again).
    I got lost in the whedonverse.  I followed news sites, watched random independent films staring tertiary actors, and found “dailies” showing unused footage.  This obsession actually started when I watched a countdown show of the most unexpected moments in television on a new year’s eve (seriously, how pathetic am I?).  They covered the musical episode, and from there I started watching, in order, starting at season 6.  That was a very dark and sexual season that got to me on multiple levels.  I found the outtakes from when Buffy and Spike had sex I would watch that over and over like fantasy porn.  I couldn’t get enough of Spike.  I’m still a James Marsters fan.
  • Charmed (2005-2006)
    Again, I didn’t start watching this show when it aired, but a few seasons behind.  I enjoy the idea of witchcraft and the empowering feeling I get when I practice.  I know this show is a hollywood bastardization of wicca, but I ignored what I had to.The Piper-Leo love story got to me, and also a bit of the Phoebe-Cole, good over evil thing.  Cole’s character/actor also got me trying to watch nip/tuck, but that pretty much ruined my fantasy of Cole.
  • Star Trek (the original series) (2004-2005)
    The first start trek I ever saw was Voyager, and I was content watching that on a weekly basis before bed.  It wasn’t until I was 18, and on spring break from college that I had the chance to watch the original series.  At first I thought, “Hey, and old 60s scifi show, this should be hilarious”.  It was incredibly campy, but after a few shows, I was hooked.  The stories were good, and I began to understand why Trekkies exist.  I used to qualify as one.  I could easily lose myself in the online fandom.  I tracked down as many star trek references as I could.  From Leonard Nimoy in futurama, to Kevin Pollack doing his william shatner impersonation.
  • ReBoot (1998-2000)
    This was my first ever obsession (TV or not).  this started when I was 10.  My parents were separated and I had mentally shut down from the rape.  I got lost in the computer world.  I was angry when I couldn’t watch the show.  I even made my mother change plans to go out so I could hit record on the VCR and not miss anything.  I trained my body to wake itself up at 1am to catch it when cartoon network changed the airtime.  This obsession is still with me, but in a controlled sense.  I just finished and AndrAIa cosplay outfit I hope to wear someday.

It’s not always about the plot thought.  Actually, it rarely is.  It’s always about the characters, and their relationships with one another.  When I’m lost in their world, I form attachments to them.  It allows me to feel something, safely, without judgment from the real world.  It’s sad, but losing myself in the fantasy is the only time I feel alive.

 

p.s. You’ll notice a gap between ReBoot and Charmed. This was when Harry Potter took over my life.  I don’t include it here since a) it’s not a TV show, and b) this didn’t withdraw me completely.  I made my best friend and bonded with her over HP.  I’m still a major HP fan and it’s universe is ingrained in my existence.  It’s part of who I am.

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

Everyone wants your money

I can believe the conversation I just had.  I tried to re order contacts online (as I usually do), and was told my prescription had expired.  What?  Not only did I have an eye examine last month, but was given a new prescription.  No technically, it was not a contact lens prescription, but I’ve been able to order contacts without a problem before this.  So I called my eye doctor (a hole in a strip mall, classy), and was proptly told that I denied having a contact lens fitting at my eye exam.  Yes, I didn’t think it was necessary for a fitting.  My contacts fit fine.  Just the astigmatism value changed.  So now they’re making me come in Wednesday to get a fitting.  I asked if I had to pay for a whole examine again, even though I was there a month ago.  The teenage secretary I was dealing with thought about it for a while, and by her good graces I don’t need to pay for another visit (my insurance wouldn’t cover more than one visit per year).  I only have to pay the $80 “fitting” fee.  WTF?  I’m finding a new eye doctor.  A real eye doctor.  My astigmatism value changed so much in one year, and I was reasonably concerned.  In the awkward silence that was the eye exam I asked why that would happen, age maybe?  She said “we should keep an eye on that” without even looking up.  Great, no possible reasons,  no word on if I should be worried.  I would like to find someone who can at least pretend to care about my health, especially since I’m giving them my money.

If it’s the same bitchy eye doctor then I’m sure she’s going to yell at me for not getting the fitting earlier.  Well, screw you.  I can barely afford it.  Just take my damn insurance money and leave me alone.