Tag Archives: too much

…Followed by Depression

So, social anxiety last week = depression for the rest of this week :-(.  I can barely move.  I can’t focus.  I know the look on my face must be horrendous.  It takes all my will power to have a conversation with someone at work.  Not to mention I completely blew off the Boy over the weekend.  What the hell was I thinking?  He’s always been so nice to me (minus the not telling me things part).  Now I may have screwed this up completely.  I don’t know how long he’ll stick around with these seeming random bouts of ignoring him and grumpiness.

Oh, yeah, I also feel completely dead inside.  I almost don’t care if the Boy walks away.  He’d be better off with someone more emotionally stable anyway.  I just know once I’m out of this funk I’ll pine incessantly after him.  Or the Ex. My birthday is coming up so I expect our annual facebook message exchange.  That should be fun </sarcasm>.

When can I start my life?

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Another Down Day

Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.

What else will go wrong today?

So my brother ends up in the hospital, my cat’s sick, my mom is beyond stressed (which in turn causes me stress), I get treated like an idiot at work and my email accounts get hacked.  Yeah, great week.  I don’t even have the energy to worry about what I usually worry about.  I hope I get to sleep tonight.