Tag Archives: fear

Missed Opportunities

I now have tangible evidence that my anxiety/personality/fear of other people’s opinions has stopped me from enjoying life as much as I can.

I went to a fan convention this weekend, dressed as my favorite video game character.  Turns out the company is making a new game and had a huge demo booth there.  So I was pretty popular.  I was totally fine with the crowds and people asking for pictures, because I wasn’t me.  I was the character.  It felt AMAZING to be publicly adored and not ridiculed or mocked, like I think everyone does to the real me.

Now, because of the popularity of the game this year, I’m getting special treatment at vendors.  Being able to cut lines, given free stuff, VIP access.  Even the DEO of the company who makes the game complimented me on it (although I didn’t realize it was him until he next day).

However, I was super uncomfortable  cutting in front of people who had been waiting.  This was my first time with this level of attention and I clearly didn’t know how to react.  The real thing I’m kicking myself over is that I could have been able to bypass a 4 hour line, but I was too afraid of the looks/reactions of those waiting in line.

Stupid, I know.  The CEO made a big deal about cosplayers and how much the company respects them, and that I shouldn’t have felt guilty about get special treatment.

So now I’ve been obsessing over every detail.  How good it felt to have people appreciate your work so much.  How awful I felt for not just asking if I could get what I apparently deserved.  Regret over knowing that it will never be this good again (there’s no way they’ll release another game any time soon).I regret not going back the next day for the VIP access.  Not that I was planning to, but it would have been so awesome.  If I had tried, I could have done it.  But I was afraid of my mother’s reaction.  I didn’t want to deal with her criticism.  Stupid fear of other people’s disapproval.  The extreme highs and lows have done a number on my physically.  I shook for two days (and still do when I start to obsess again).  I haven’t been hungry either.  Which is kinda of good since I’ve been overeating, but a clear sign of my anxiety getting worse.The one lesson I am taking away from this is that I have to just ACT.  Do something.  Ask for what I want.  I’ll regret it to a point of sickness if I don’t.  As much as it sucked to miss out this year, It came at the right time for me to learn this lesson.  I need it to talk to grad school people,w hich I’ve been dreading.  I didn’t want to come off as an annoying person, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter so much, as they’ll either forget you or help you.  I have to remember the reward outweighs the risk. And it will never be perfect.  I will never say the exact right things or at the right time, but I can only try.  I know I’ll suck, but the safety I feel when I hide is just an excuse.I need to take more chances.  Hell, I just need to DO something.  I over analyze to the point of deciding doing nothing is the best option.Life is for living.  Hopefully I can remember that.  At least for a while.

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Sorry for not posting.  I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better.   I haven’t sleep much this week.  Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is.  I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for.  Like independence from my family.  I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out.  Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age.  She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me.  I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want.  I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do.  They don’t even ask.  I’m sick of doing what I’m told.  I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly.  I just want to do what I want.  Why am I not allowed?  oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am.  That’s why I don’t do what I want.  I’m terrified of her.  I need to stop.

Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house.  Seriously, this is how she thinks.  Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ).  I mentioned  buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you).  I don’t know how to argue with her.

And I feel so guilty if I do leave.  She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years.  She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here.  I hate feeling so trapped.

And now I’m crying again.  Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time.  Ugh.

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven’t posted as much.  I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts.  Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words.  I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt.  I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again.  As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often.  I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it.  Maybe I just needed a break from everyone.  I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful.  I’m actually ok being away from everyone.  I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.

I had a strong bout of self doubt last night.  I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great.  then I start thinking about the details and I panic.  Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do.  I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people  and afriad of the teachers again.  I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed.  I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.

I’m losing focus again.  I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life.  I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run.  I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me.  But I don’t know if I’m management material either.  i don’t know what I am or really what I want.  I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried.  I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.  I hate regret.  I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.

I worry about the future too much.  I forget to live today.  Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.

What I sacrificed…

<begin emotionally charged rant>

My life may seem perfect to the outsider. I should be envied, looked up to, and respected. But what I have isn’t what I wanted. I fell into this. I came here out of necessity. Outside forces pushed my to make the decisions I did, to avoid the fights for what I wanted.

Let’s start with college. I picked the most practical major I could tolerlate. It was no coinicence that is was the same as yours. My own fault, I sought your approval of my life. Compuer science was not what I wanted, but I pick the career path that I wouldn’t need 8+ years of schooling for. I wanted to be astronomer since I was 7, but I would be useless in the real world until I got a phd. And even then career prospects are slim. I gave up on my dream to be practical. I finished college so fast I don’t remember it. 3 years, 2 degrees. I took too many classes and I suffered, my grades suffered, all in order to get out “early”. So I could save you money. I lived at home. To save you money. I did everything you wanted, even if you didn’t expicitely ask for it.

I tried to move out when I graduated.  I could afford it.  I had a good job, I would still be close by.  But no.  This guilt trips started.  “How can I keep up this house by myself?  You expect me to live in this big house by myself?”  You kept saying. So what am I supposed to do?  Live with you forever?  Seems like it. You can’t afford this house without me now, yet you refuse to sell it.  You keep saying you want to move to another state, but you never do.  And you won’t go without me anyway.  So I’m stuck here.  Forever.

Yes, my live is good.  It’s a good house in a safe area.  I can afford the things I want, but MY life is on hold.  As long as I’m here, as long as half my paycheck goes to this family, I can never have my own family.  I’m 26.  That gives me 4 years left before I  having genetically deficient kids.  Dating is next to impossible.  You never leave the house.  I can never be alone.  Dinner  together is an issue EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  I have to plan what I’m going days in advanced, and if I don’t tell you those plans as soon as I know them, you flip out.

Now I can afford to by my own house.  That last card in your hand.  But no, I can’t do that, since I’m supposed to be being a house to rent out to other people.  Thanks for asking what I want to do with MY money.  I don’t want to be a landlord.  yes, I get that real estate is good, and that you’ve done this before, but I remebered how stressed you were.  I don’t want tenants calling me at 3 am because their toliet broke.  I WANT MY OWN LIFE.

I can’t win this battle.  You won’t accept any reasons I have for living my own life, with my choices.  Every time I do something that I want and you disapprove of, you scream at me, but you refuse to accept that you’re screaming at me.  You don’t even know your own behavior.

90% of the time I’m ok with this situation.  But the rest of the time is heartbreaking for me.  I’m a rat trapped by your logic.

There goes my social life…

So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month.  I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?)  I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this.  She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living.  She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her)  So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school.  She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.

I glad she can get her life in order.  Really, I am.  But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her.  She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no.  I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother.  I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend.  I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself:  I am selfish. I am a terrible friend.  Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it.  I just bought her concert tickets for graduation.  I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.

She is my only friend.  I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking.  Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her).  I’m not sure what happens now.  It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.

I like consistency.  I like being able to plan.  I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life.  Too many variables.  I’ve known J since the 6th grade.

Life will be different.

Consistency is not my thing

I hadn’t realized it’s been so long since I posted.  I’ve kind of checked out for the past few weeks.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to interact really.  I’m glad february is over.  From my cat dying to  the week of food poisoning, it’s been a sucky month.

I’ve also been going thorugh my yearly “I’m bored with my life and I don’t know how to fix it without thinking of drastic measures” phase.  I want a new job even though the one I have is decent, pays well and I get a good amount of freedom.  Maybe too much.  I accomplushed almost nothing this month.  I spent a week in a daze just surfing the interent.  Then I was home for a week with food poisoning and today I just stayed home for no real reason.  Well, I thought it was going to snow storm, so the commute would have been awful/dangerous, but it ended up ok.  I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to work from home.  No one missed me.

I feel like a failure.  I’m 26 and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.  I just want to quit, move to a beach and work just enough hours to make rent and food.  I have no motivation anymore.  I remember when I was first out of college and I was so amped to be working, and making money and at least feeling appreciated at work.  I don’t get those feelings anymore.  I’m just dead on the inside.

I have no hobbies, and everytime I get an idea for supplemental income, I work on it for a couple days and then just forget about it.  I don’t have the people skills/social graces to start my own business, which is what I think I want to do.  At least then I’ll have responsibility for myself.  But i don’t know any business that doesn’t involve some type of customer.  You never really work for yourself.  Your woking for other people’s money.

I have no sense of pleasure anymore either.  I remember working hard and then being able to reward myself with surfing the interet or food or buying things.  Now I don’t get that high from the reward anymore.  I don’t know if I’ve overindulged myself, taking rewards when I haven’t earned them or I just don’t want the reward anymore.

I want to just chuck it all.