I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably. I can’t place it on anything specific. I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once. I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go. I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.
Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again. I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject. I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been. I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him. I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things. We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately. We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week. I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends. 90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”. And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together. I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references. I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv. Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.
Then again, I know I’m most of the problem. I have a hard time maintaing relationships. I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out. I just don’t fit into anyone’s life. I’m not part of the routine. I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on. Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.
I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother. Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner. I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult). And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually” I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money). She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”. You just don’t want to be alone. And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone. My brother is still here and will be for a bit. but apparently that doesn’t count. I have to be the go between the tow of them. I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).
I just don’t want to think anymore. Crying last night helped alot. I don’t feel anymore since then. I’m just exisitng. For now.