Tag Archives: weight

Writing and Running

Wow, I can’t believe its been so long since I posted.  I really didn’t mean for that.  I mostly been distract since Harry Potter is technically over.  I’ve been indulging myself with as much fandom as possible (and yes I did wake up at 4 in the morning to register for pottermore 🙂 ).  I’ve also attempted participating in an online roleplaying version of HP.  I have to say I am the most boring roleplayer of all time.  I want to partially blame that on my writing skills.  I’m just not a natural writer.  It takes me 20 minutes to send a simple reply email to most people.  No that I’m “playing a character” online, I thought I could give up my perfectionism, but I’m still just as socially awkward in character.  I’m afraid to post something stupid, or something that will cause a negative reaction.  It took me two days to complete a scene, and nothing even came out of it.  It pretty sad that I’m afraid to have an effect in an online world.  Part of the social awkwardness is I don’t know anyone else participating.  And I think most of them aremiddle/high school ages.  Yeah, I feel out of place.  But If I even find and RP game with people my age, I’m sure they’ll mock me since I’ve never done an RP before.

I think I’ll get back to updating regularly soon, since the RP thing just isn’t for me.  As far as life goes, I’m doing ok.  The vitamins seems to keep me somewhat stable and not as lethargic as usual.  I’ve had enough energy to actual start running.  Outside.  In Public.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not really sure why I’m able to overcome my paranoia now, after so many years of being afraid to exercise in public.  I’ve only had two potential issues with people while running.  When I pass someone I tend to look down/ignore them.  Partially because I’m out of breath.  And I think I can get away with it since I have my headphones on.  I passed a group of HS girls a couple times on one run (I was doing loops)  and one pointed at me the second time and said something to the others.  They can go fuck themselves. I know I’m an awkward runner and I’m not that fast, but at least I’m trying.

The second incident was yesterday.  I passed two late teens/early twenties, not exactly high class boys getting into their car.  they decided to turn around and follow me for a bit.  I don’t really understand why, since I’m still overweight and not all that attractive when my face is red and sweaty.  That made me uncomfortable.

Regardless, I’ll still keep running for as long it’s light outside.  I found my 2.5 mile route (idiots permitting) and hopefully now I can work on getting a decent time, and in decent shape 🙂  I’m finding that running is just as cathartic as writing.  It lets me escape my daily stress and (almost) no one can bother me.

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When I go down, I go down hard

Dammit, I can’t win.  The minute I start to feel happy, I enter one of  the most acute  debilitating depressions I’ve ever been in.  I’ve spent the last two days on a couch, sleeping.  When I could move around, it would be for 2 hours and I could feel every muscle in my body.  I would also randomly cry.  It’s not fair.  This is why I’m so pessimistic.  Life was ok and then I get shot back down.

I had to cancel plans with The Boy this weekend.  I hate doing it, but it would have been horrible.  I started bitching at him on friday, so I know I should stay away until this goes away.  My friend also wanted to come out with me but I didn’t have the energy to handle her.  I want to be normal and healthy.

I’m hoping this is just extreme pms.  I’ve been on hormones before to regulate the physical side of things, but the pills made me gain weight and incredibly anxious and jumpy.  Doctors blamed the weather, and told me to just get some exercise.  I want to be stable.

Still here…

Sorry for not posting more than once a week.  When I first started this blog, I had a rampant stream of thoughts in my head I needed to get out.  I’ve been feeling complacent/almost content lately, so the chaotic monkeys in the brain have settled down.  I also spent last week organizing my room, which gives me a sense of calm.  I’m greatly affected by the environment I’m in.  Now that things are (mostly) orderly and I removed alot of things I don’t use, my mind is at ease.

I cleaned out my closet of everything I’m too fat to fit in.  I can now see all the clothes I have and I no longer have the depressing thought of “I’ll fit into these eventually”.  I know that’s supposed to be a good motivator for weight loss, but it’s been years and I’m still 20+ lbs over where I was in college.  One thing I don’t like about my job is the sitting.  I went from walking miles a day in college to just walking to the car.  I always think I’ll find balance eventually, mostly when I move out on my own, and I’m not forced to eat dinner I didn’t make every night.  I’m tired of the structure I’m tired of the structure I’m living in.  My life is not my own.  family is improtant to me, and deep down I am terrified to leave them, but I know it’s best for my mentality that I do.  I don’t need to go far, but it will still be a huge change.  I don’t react well to huge changes.

Well, that’s the stream of consciousness for today.  Ball with The Boy tomorrow hopefully.