A ranting

I’ve been the only one helping her since she “broke” her foot.

Even though I’m home, I need to work.  I’m not her live in maid, grocery shopper, dinner partner, sounding board or secretary.  Every time I come up the stairs, or go into her vicinity, she tells me to do something or vents about whatever the hell is bothering her.  Mostly work, but if not that, it’s the neighbors or anything else that she thinks is intentionally slighting her.  Not to mention the constant arguing with the TV. We have different politics, and of course, I’m the wrong one.  And then she gets upset she can’t have a conversation with me about it.  Well no shit, of course I’m going to shut down when I disagree with you.

I want out.  I need out. I actually prefer talking to her on the phone.  I have her most of her attention and I can actually talk.  She still vents like crazy but at least I know there’s an end point.

And I’m responsible for feeding her for some reason.  I’m not her fucking mother or husband, but I can’t do anything spontaneous, or stay out with her telling me I’m being rude or disrespectful or whatever. And I need to go grocery shopping every few days because she only eats things that last a few days.  I dont’ have time for this.  She needs to grow up and be the functioning adult she was when I was growing up.  I don’t even know how we got to this point.

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“Just get over it”

The last thing you should ever say to someone.  Whether they’re depressed, angry, sad, or any other emotion, never say “just get over it”.  Not only is it the most useless thing to say, it’s also the most insulting and hurtful.  Nothing says you don’t care about a person more than saying this.

So thanks mom, for for bullying me into telling you what’s wrong, and then completely invalidating everything I’m feeling.

 

My job is the center of my world

And I don’t like it.

Sorry for the hiatus.  I’ve been overworked, and beyond stressed, so much so that it has been a chore to even check my page.  Since August, I’ve applied to grad school, dropped the one course I was taking (and costing me $7K in the process) and attempted to get funding in order for said grad school.  I almost at the deadline for applying to funding, and I feel like it’s all about to fall apart.  The one school I wanted to get into rejected me, and I’m kinda stuck until I hear from the other department at the same school.  Since my work is affiliated with the school, my thesis is sort of tied to that school and it associations with my coworkers.  If I don’t get in, then my research plans fall apart, and I may have to quit in shame.  I feel like it’s totally my fault, like I didn’t try hard enough or want it enough.  I didn’t talk to the right people, at the right time.  I did try, but some didn’t respond, and others didn’t see eye to eye.  I’m not sure how much more I could do without becoming a pushy obnoxious bitch. I get panic attacks when I try to email anyone now.

So the Boy got promoted.  Technically he’s sort of my boss now, but he manages a different subset of people and projects, so I haven’t had to interact with him in any significant way at work.  He’s even been kind enough to not be at my performance or salary review.  We both agreed, before he got promoted, that it would be awkward.  Not that our relationship isn’t awkward anyway.

Not much has changed relationship wise, except we no longer go to lunch.  I had recently learned that some of our coworkers have tried to “figure us out” a few years ago.  We were visibly friends at work, but we don’t even show affection in private, so I’m not sure where they got the idea.  I think they’re just bored and like rumors.  Either way, we don’t even acknowledge each other anymore at work.  Lunch together is out of the question.  What is really upsetting me is we haven’t “gone out”, either to dinner, or just be in public together since he got promoted.  Admittedly, we didn’t do that alot before, but it’s been 6 months and we haven’t even gone out for dinner, including my birthday.  I don’t know if its subconsciously trying to avoid running into anyone, or our relationship is just that boring.

Someday I’d like a boyfriend I can admit to having.

On other relationship news, I saw J once since the death of her brother last summer.  It was at a christmas party with too many people and I shutdown pretty fast.  I’m realizing that I have not much in common with her, and even less so with her friends.  I haven’t seen her sister in who knows how long.  It’s been so long that she’s stopped asking me to hang out.  Too many broken promises on my end.  Still, if I had really wanted to be with her, I would have found a way.  Instead I found excuses.

The only people I can “relax” or act normally around are a small subset of coworkers.  These people have graduated to friends, where I can see them outside of work.  The problem I’m having is if I ever leave for a new job, I don’t know if the friendships will stay.

Hence the title of this post.  Most of my day is at work. My only “friends” are at work.  Hell, even my “boyfriend” is from work.  Sometimes all we talk about is work.  I don’t know if those are real relationships or not.  It’s all I have and it scares me.  My free time is spent thinking about work, and worrying about what I haven’t done, or who I upset.  This is why the grad school situation terrifies me.  If I go, it will be even more time devoted to work (since they are sponsoring, and will benefit from my degree)

Sometimes I just want everything to collapse, so I can start over, and maybe be a better version of me.

I am not important

Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything.  Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write.  I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move.  I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better.  Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.

Well, that’s the positive things lately.  My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again.  I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others.  I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life.  I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.

I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member.  I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day.  Turns out another friend helped her more.  I have no idea why or how.  I just saw the shoutout on facebook.  I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this.  J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.

Another example.  The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?)  I still have no idea what our relationship is.  There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant.  We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town.  But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before.  I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me.  Anything.  I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work.  I don’t understand why he bothers with me.  I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging.  I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info.  I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard

I deserve to be with someone, right?  Who loves me and wants to share their life with me?  Is that allowed for someone like me?

Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet.  I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone.  Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them

Anxiety Attack

I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time.  I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things.  I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.

This is 100% psychologically stress induced.  Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes.  Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started.  It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough.  She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag.  Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it.  By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…

I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.  She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can.  I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me.  I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes.  She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”.  I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink.  I’m sure they made noise.

God, my chest is pounding again.  I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking.  I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me.  We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue.  We don’t communicate well.  she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things.  She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.

Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have.  Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good.  I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.

I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person.  I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting.  I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are  or just perceived negatively.

I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long.  If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean.  She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”

If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish.  She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time.  She doesn’t want me in grad school.

Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts.  I’m so tired and frustrated and weak.  I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I also started cutting again today.  It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain.  I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.

Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst.  Wonderful.  no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦

I can’t turn off the screaming

Whenever I’m alone, I scream obscenities at myself.  It’s gets worse when I’m stressed.  And I have been *really* stressed.  It’s repetitive, and doesn’t even make sense most of the time, and I’m not even sure why I’m doing it.  It’s like a compulsion.  Most of the time it’s “you fucking piece of shit”, “fucking whore/slut”, “Bitch” and “You deserve to die”.  I’m not sure where the whore/slut ones come from.  I guess I’m just looking for the most degrading insults I can find.  Normally, these are just running in the back of my head, and I think of them when I make a mistake (like say the wrong word or not knowing what to do or say) or miss an opportunity.  Now I’ve been flat out screaming them at myself.  I think I’ve failed in some way, but logically, I haven’t.  A situation didn’t turn out how I would have liked, but it was beyond my control.  I did almost everything I could to make it right, but something just don’t work out.  I’m sure if I compromised on what I wanted, or overpromised it would have been better, but then I would be in a worse situation later.

Oh, a new one while I was thinking about the situation: “Shitty fucking shit”.

My throat is sore from the yelling.

So the story is I’ve been trying to talk to professors about research, to see if what they’re working on would be something my work would pay for me to go to school for.  I had my first meeting with someone I thought would be who I would be working with, but turns out he doesn’t work in the areas I would have liked to work in anymore.  And I can’t figure out how to phrase what he’s doing into something my work would be willing to pay for.  I kinda knew this going in.  It was a stretch to begin with, but I feel like an arrogant prick when I’m essentially asking “will you take me as a student!”  I have no right to it, and there are plenty of other people better suited than me.  It just feels so presumptuous since none of these people know me, and I have no idea how to ask this in a politically correct way.  It makes me feel like shit wanting something, and asking for it.

I feel like giving up.

Missed Opportunities

I now have tangible evidence that my anxiety/personality/fear of other people’s opinions has stopped me from enjoying life as much as I can.

I went to a fan convention this weekend, dressed as my favorite video game character.  Turns out the company is making a new game and had a huge demo booth there.  So I was pretty popular.  I was totally fine with the crowds and people asking for pictures, because I wasn’t me.  I was the character.  It felt AMAZING to be publicly adored and not ridiculed or mocked, like I think everyone does to the real me.

Now, because of the popularity of the game this year, I’m getting special treatment at vendors.  Being able to cut lines, given free stuff, VIP access.  Even the DEO of the company who makes the game complimented me on it (although I didn’t realize it was him until he next day).

However, I was super uncomfortable  cutting in front of people who had been waiting.  This was my first time with this level of attention and I clearly didn’t know how to react.  The real thing I’m kicking myself over is that I could have been able to bypass a 4 hour line, but I was too afraid of the looks/reactions of those waiting in line.

Stupid, I know.  The CEO made a big deal about cosplayers and how much the company respects them, and that I shouldn’t have felt guilty about get special treatment.

So now I’ve been obsessing over every detail.  How good it felt to have people appreciate your work so much.  How awful I felt for not just asking if I could get what I apparently deserved.  Regret over knowing that it will never be this good again (there’s no way they’ll release another game any time soon).I regret not going back the next day for the VIP access.  Not that I was planning to, but it would have been so awesome.  If I had tried, I could have done it.  But I was afraid of my mother’s reaction.  I didn’t want to deal with her criticism.  Stupid fear of other people’s disapproval.  The extreme highs and lows have done a number on my physically.  I shook for two days (and still do when I start to obsess again).  I haven’t been hungry either.  Which is kinda of good since I’ve been overeating, but a clear sign of my anxiety getting worse.The one lesson I am taking away from this is that I have to just ACT.  Do something.  Ask for what I want.  I’ll regret it to a point of sickness if I don’t.  As much as it sucked to miss out this year, It came at the right time for me to learn this lesson.  I need it to talk to grad school people,w hich I’ve been dreading.  I didn’t want to come off as an annoying person, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter so much, as they’ll either forget you or help you.  I have to remember the reward outweighs the risk. And it will never be perfect.  I will never say the exact right things or at the right time, but I can only try.  I know I’ll suck, but the safety I feel when I hide is just an excuse.I need to take more chances.  Hell, I just need to DO something.  I over analyze to the point of deciding doing nothing is the best option.Life is for living.  Hopefully I can remember that.  At least for a while.