I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time. I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things. I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.
This is 100% psychologically stress induced. Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes. Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started. It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough. She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag. Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it. By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…
I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can. I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me. I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes. She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”. I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink. I’m sure they made noise.
God, my chest is pounding again. I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking. I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me. We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue. We don’t communicate well. she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things. She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.
Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have. Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good. I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.
I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person. I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting. I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are or just perceived negatively.
I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long. If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean. She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”
If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish. She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time. She doesn’t want me in grad school.
Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts. I’m so tired and frustrated and weak. I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.
I also started cutting again today. It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain. I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.
Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst. Wonderful. no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦