Category Archives: boyfriend

My job is the center of my world

And I don’t like it.

Sorry for the hiatus.  I’ve been overworked, and beyond stressed, so much so that it has been a chore to even check my page.  Since August, I’ve applied to grad school, dropped the one course I was taking (and costing me $7K in the process) and attempted to get funding in order for said grad school.  I almost at the deadline for applying to funding, and I feel like it’s all about to fall apart.  The one school I wanted to get into rejected me, and I’m kinda stuck until I hear from the other department at the same school.  Since my work is affiliated with the school, my thesis is sort of tied to that school and it associations with my coworkers.  If I don’t get in, then my research plans fall apart, and I may have to quit in shame.  I feel like it’s totally my fault, like I didn’t try hard enough or want it enough.  I didn’t talk to the right people, at the right time.  I did try, but some didn’t respond, and others didn’t see eye to eye.  I’m not sure how much more I could do without becoming a pushy obnoxious bitch. I get panic attacks when I try to email anyone now.

So the Boy got promoted.  Technically he’s sort of my boss now, but he manages a different subset of people and projects, so I haven’t had to interact with him in any significant way at work.  He’s even been kind enough to not be at my performance or salary review.  We both agreed, before he got promoted, that it would be awkward.  Not that our relationship isn’t awkward anyway.

Not much has changed relationship wise, except we no longer go to lunch.  I had recently learned that some of our coworkers have tried to “figure us out” a few years ago.  We were visibly friends at work, but we don’t even show affection in private, so I’m not sure where they got the idea.  I think they’re just bored and like rumors.  Either way, we don’t even acknowledge each other anymore at work.  Lunch together is out of the question.  What is really upsetting me is we haven’t “gone out”, either to dinner, or just be in public together since he got promoted.  Admittedly, we didn’t do that alot before, but it’s been 6 months and we haven’t even gone out for dinner, including my birthday.  I don’t know if its subconsciously trying to avoid running into anyone, or our relationship is just that boring.

Someday I’d like a boyfriend I can admit to having.

On other relationship news, I saw J once since the death of her brother last summer.  It was at a christmas party with too many people and I shutdown pretty fast.  I’m realizing that I have not much in common with her, and even less so with her friends.  I haven’t seen her sister in who knows how long.  It’s been so long that she’s stopped asking me to hang out.  Too many broken promises on my end.  Still, if I had really wanted to be with her, I would have found a way.  Instead I found excuses.

The only people I can “relax” or act normally around are a small subset of coworkers.  These people have graduated to friends, where I can see them outside of work.  The problem I’m having is if I ever leave for a new job, I don’t know if the friendships will stay.

Hence the title of this post.  Most of my day is at work. My only “friends” are at work.  Hell, even my “boyfriend” is from work.  Sometimes all we talk about is work.  I don’t know if those are real relationships or not.  It’s all I have and it scares me.  My free time is spent thinking about work, and worrying about what I haven’t done, or who I upset.  This is why the grad school situation terrifies me.  If I go, it will be even more time devoted to work (since they are sponsoring, and will benefit from my degree)

Sometimes I just want everything to collapse, so I can start over, and maybe be a better version of me.

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My Fantasy Reality

I think I’ve lost touch with reality again.  I think I just want something so much that I’ve built up this whole scenario in my head. I know I’m a fool for thinking it’s true, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I’m seating myself up for heart break.

I don’t know if it’s the stress involved that causes me to construct a safe alternative reality, or if I’m just so delusional and egotistical that I just assume this can happen.

There are two issues, where I set myself up for unrealistic expectations.  The first is my epic return to grad school.  I went from thinking I *might* be able to get into a state school to “I totally deserve to be in a n Ivy league school, because I’m doing well in one class at said school”.  A year ago I was terrified and thought I could never handle the stress involved in the Ivy school.  Now I believe that not only would I survive, but I might even do well there.  I’m not totally sure what my basis is for the change, besides I’m focused and see others that are doing what I want to do and for once I don’t think I’m that far away from them.

It’s going to be a huge blow to my ego when I don’t get in next year.  The voice of doubt and failure in my head from last year is still there.  It’s just much quieter.  I just can’t decide if it’s putting me down or just a voice of reason.

This partially leads into my other false reality.  I believe if I don’t get in, I’m going to disappoint The Boy and he’ll leave me.  It’s stupid and extreme, but I’m not sure it’s that unlikely a result.  He went to Ivy and has been heavy interested in my return to school.  Sometimes I feel like a fake person around him, because my true self is childish and hyper and rambles to the point of incoherency.  I try to control it around him, but it slips out.  He’s still hangin out with me for over 6 years, so I’m either really good at hiding the crazy or he ignores it for some reason.  I still have no idea why he likes me.  No one has ever been my friend for this long and been so close to me.

This may be the other false reality.  To me, he’s my best friend.  I don’t think he feels the same way about me though.  I’m kept in a separate compartment of his life where I only see him in certain situations and I don’t mix with his friends (I’ve never met them, although he used to talk about them more).

This is why I need to keep writing about him.  To remind myself that my definition of an intimate/devoted relationship is not the same as normal people.  What is probably just a regular friend (even work friend) to him is a soul mate to me.  I’ve fallen in love with someone supportive, nice, smart, funny and someone who genuinely cares about me. Those are great qualities to have, but also ones that should come with a standard friend.  I think that’s all he sees me as, but I’m seeing so much more potential than that.  I’m terrified to put myself out there in fear of losing him.  There is not much worse than acknowledging your love for someone and scaring them away.  It’s not that anything significant has changed in our relationship over the past few months.  I’m just seeing his qualities in a more long term light.  I want to be with him, and imagine my life with him to a disturbingly concrete level.  But The relationship isn’t actually moving in that direction.  I just see it in my head and forget it’s not real.

I know sharing this would him would be upsetting, as this has happened to me before.  Someone who I saw as only an acquaintance had built up a whole romantic relationship with me over a year.  it became so intense for him that when he shared it with me he thought there was a chance.  It freaked me out and upset me.  I don’t want to do that to The Boy.

The problem is I don’t know if I should be moving one to someone else.  I feel close to him and attempting to be close to someone else feels like a betrayal.  However, he may be more romantically interested in others.  I have no idea.  He doesn’t talk about his friends anymore, and never mentions any other girls.  I wish would just so I can have closure.

I want the story in my head to stop playing.  I’m afraid I’m going to act on fabricated information.

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

I guess it’s over…

So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him.  And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦

I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us.  I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.

I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok.  but now he’s essentially disappeared.

I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me.  I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype.  And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.

My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out.  I’ve moved past that reaction.  I thought I was his friend again.

Why I can’t say yes

I know why I’m a still a virgin.  I know why I will probably be one for the rest of my life.  I know why I said no to the man I thought I loved.  I know why I refuse to find a real boyfriend and why I can’t be happy in a relationship.

 

I’m trying to make for the time when I didn’t say no.

 

I didn’t say anything when I was molested repeatedly as a child.  I took it, and sometimes it felt good.  Other times it hurt.  Now I finally realize, at 2 am while trying to fall asleep, why I can’t say yes.  Guilt is the only thing that drives me in life.  Guilt and Fear.

I don’t know why I keep trying

Just a quick update.  I had a “date” with The Boy tonight.  I asked him to lunch, he countered with dinner.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.  We didn’t have much to talk about.  Alot of just silence.  He left at 8:30.  I think he’s finally bored with me, but he keeps trying.  Maybe I was just too tired and shouldn’t have even asked him to dinner, but I missed him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have shown him my new addition to my HP collection.  He seemed interested, but he’s so polite I never know what he’s really thinking.  This sucks.

 

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.