And So the Circle Begins Again


The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

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