So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month. I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?) I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this. She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living. She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her) So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school. She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.
I glad she can get her life in order. Really, I am. But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her. She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no. I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother. I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend. I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself: I am selfish. I am a terrible friend. Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it. I just bought her concert tickets for graduation. I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.
She is my only friend. I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking. Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her). I’m not sure what happens now. It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.
I like consistency. I like being able to plan. I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life. Too many variables. I’ve known J since the 6th grade.
Life will be different.