Tag Archives: distractions

Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.

Escaping Reality (via Television)

Whenever I’m particularly lonely or depression is at it’s peak, I find myself becoming obsessive about some fantasy world.  I find some scifi/fantasy TV show and I completely immerse myself in it.  It’s never on purpose, and I feel myself disconnect even more from reality, but it gives me an escape from the world I can’t stand.  Once I get hook on a show (it usually takes about 6-8 episodes over a period of days/weeks), I not only start watching every episode, in order, but spend all my free time surfing the internet for more information.  It could be character back stories, other shows the actors are in, outtakes, or just general news about the show.  It’s gives me something to focus on besides my life.

Below are my past television obsessions,starting with the most recent, marked with years of peak obssesion.  I typically latch on to one show at a time.  Once it’s over, or I’ve exhausted myself (that can take years), I come back to real life for a while.  Once I’m sick of that, I find a new show to “watch”.

  • Doctor Who (current)
    My current obsession, and I don’t even like the show very much.  There’s too much time travel, not enough explanations of why things happen (give me some scifi rules to go on!) and it took me the whole first season to get hooked.  If I do look past the awful scifi and just accept it as fantasy, the show is a bit more entertaining than I think it’s going to be.  What really hooked me was the relationship between the Doctor and Rose.  At first a little weird, but once they started showing love toward each other, I couldn’t get enough of it.  I’m a sucker for a good love story.  i just finished season 2 and Rose is gone, so I’m not too excited about the remaining season.  i get attached to the characters and Doctor is known for it’s heavy actor rotation.  I just hope the episodes where Rose comes back are worth it.
  • Buffy/Angel (2006-2008)
    I got hooked on this pretty mush after the series ended.  Honestly, I couldn’t stand it when it was on. I can’t stand waiting week to week or month to month to continue the story.  It doesn’t give me that high I need from watching 6 episodes in a row (which I do more often than not).  Again, sucker for a good love story,  and what’s more epic than a vampire and a slayer? (for full disclosure, I’ve read all the twilight books and I am completely offended by Stephanie Meyer.  That woman should never be allowed near pen and paper again).
    I got lost in the whedonverse.  I followed news sites, watched random independent films staring tertiary actors, and found “dailies” showing unused footage.  This obsession actually started when I watched a countdown show of the most unexpected moments in television on a new year’s eve (seriously, how pathetic am I?).  They covered the musical episode, and from there I started watching, in order, starting at season 6.  That was a very dark and sexual season that got to me on multiple levels.  I found the outtakes from when Buffy and Spike had sex I would watch that over and over like fantasy porn.  I couldn’t get enough of Spike.  I’m still a James Marsters fan.
  • Charmed (2005-2006)
    Again, I didn’t start watching this show when it aired, but a few seasons behind.  I enjoy the idea of witchcraft and the empowering feeling I get when I practice.  I know this show is a hollywood bastardization of wicca, but I ignored what I had to.The Piper-Leo love story got to me, and also a bit of the Phoebe-Cole, good over evil thing.  Cole’s character/actor also got me trying to watch nip/tuck, but that pretty much ruined my fantasy of Cole.
  • Star Trek (the original series) (2004-2005)
    The first start trek I ever saw was Voyager, and I was content watching that on a weekly basis before bed.  It wasn’t until I was 18, and on spring break from college that I had the chance to watch the original series.  At first I thought, “Hey, and old 60s scifi show, this should be hilarious”.  It was incredibly campy, but after a few shows, I was hooked.  The stories were good, and I began to understand why Trekkies exist.  I used to qualify as one.  I could easily lose myself in the online fandom.  I tracked down as many star trek references as I could.  From Leonard Nimoy in futurama, to Kevin Pollack doing his william shatner impersonation.
  • ReBoot (1998-2000)
    This was my first ever obsession (TV or not).  this started when I was 10.  My parents were separated and I had mentally shut down from the rape.  I got lost in the computer world.  I was angry when I couldn’t watch the show.  I even made my mother change plans to go out so I could hit record on the VCR and not miss anything.  I trained my body to wake itself up at 1am to catch it when cartoon network changed the airtime.  This obsession is still with me, but in a controlled sense.  I just finished and AndrAIa cosplay outfit I hope to wear someday.

It’s not always about the plot thought.  Actually, it rarely is.  It’s always about the characters, and their relationships with one another.  When I’m lost in their world, I form attachments to them.  It allows me to feel something, safely, without judgment from the real world.  It’s sad, but losing myself in the fantasy is the only time I feel alive.

 

p.s. You’ll notice a gap between ReBoot and Charmed. This was when Harry Potter took over my life.  I don’t include it here since a) it’s not a TV show, and b) this didn’t withdraw me completely.  I made my best friend and bonded with her over HP.  I’m still a major HP fan and it’s universe is ingrained in my existence.  It’s part of who I am.

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

Writing and Running

Wow, I can’t believe its been so long since I posted.  I really didn’t mean for that.  I mostly been distract since Harry Potter is technically over.  I’ve been indulging myself with as much fandom as possible (and yes I did wake up at 4 in the morning to register for pottermore 🙂 ).  I’ve also attempted participating in an online roleplaying version of HP.  I have to say I am the most boring roleplayer of all time.  I want to partially blame that on my writing skills.  I’m just not a natural writer.  It takes me 20 minutes to send a simple reply email to most people.  No that I’m “playing a character” online, I thought I could give up my perfectionism, but I’m still just as socially awkward in character.  I’m afraid to post something stupid, or something that will cause a negative reaction.  It took me two days to complete a scene, and nothing even came out of it.  It pretty sad that I’m afraid to have an effect in an online world.  Part of the social awkwardness is I don’t know anyone else participating.  And I think most of them aremiddle/high school ages.  Yeah, I feel out of place.  But If I even find and RP game with people my age, I’m sure they’ll mock me since I’ve never done an RP before.

I think I’ll get back to updating regularly soon, since the RP thing just isn’t for me.  As far as life goes, I’m doing ok.  The vitamins seems to keep me somewhat stable and not as lethargic as usual.  I’ve had enough energy to actual start running.  Outside.  In Public.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not really sure why I’m able to overcome my paranoia now, after so many years of being afraid to exercise in public.  I’ve only had two potential issues with people while running.  When I pass someone I tend to look down/ignore them.  Partially because I’m out of breath.  And I think I can get away with it since I have my headphones on.  I passed a group of HS girls a couple times on one run (I was doing loops)  and one pointed at me the second time and said something to the others.  They can go fuck themselves. I know I’m an awkward runner and I’m not that fast, but at least I’m trying.

The second incident was yesterday.  I passed two late teens/early twenties, not exactly high class boys getting into their car.  they decided to turn around and follow me for a bit.  I don’t really understand why, since I’m still overweight and not all that attractive when my face is red and sweaty.  That made me uncomfortable.

Regardless, I’ll still keep running for as long it’s light outside.  I found my 2.5 mile route (idiots permitting) and hopefully now I can work on getting a decent time, and in decent shape 🙂  I’m finding that running is just as cathartic as writing.  It lets me escape my daily stress and (almost) no one can bother me.

Stalling

Initially, I was going to title this post “Stalled”, since I feel as though my life is stuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. Partially, that may be true, but everything comes down to the decisions I make (or don’t make, as is often the case). I am inherently risk-adverse, essentially over-analyzing every situation to a point where I convince myself the reward is not worth the risk. I can see the pattern in myself but I’m too afraid to break it. I’ve had encouragement from my ex, since he used to go through the same set of feelings, but since he’s no longer a part of my daily life, I’ve been too content to sit back and watch life pass me by.  I’ve been distracting myself with random hobbies, from guitar to sewing, to claymaking, to photography, to consuming way too much internet. My mom has told me since I graduated that I need a hobby. Just nothing cries out to me. I’ll get on a kick for a while but lose interest if it gets too hard or non productive.

I’m one of those people that need to be working toward a goal to feel satisfied.  Ever since I was a kid, that goal was to be good at school then complete my degree, and my graduate degree.  Since I’ve left college, I have a good stable job (even if it’s not what I thought I was going to do) and I don’t have any significant goals left.  Realistically, I don’t know if I want to get married, but ideally I think I would.  I’m not sure emotionally based goals are the best thing for me anyway.  I’ll probably just sink back in to my complacent lifestyle and depression once that goal is accomplished.  I haven’t felt myself since my last big project at work ended 6 months ago.  Ive been coasting and I’m tired of it.  But I’m afraid to change jobs, or even departments. Currently I don’t have the internal strength to meet and get along with new people and re-prove myself to a new boss.  I probably shouldn’t define myself or my life by my work, but it is a significant portion of my day, and alot of it is something I like.

I need balance.  I need a different perspective towards life.  I want to start living, but I’m afraid to and I don’t even know where to start.  Life is ok right now.  I have a job, I have a place to live, I can afford what I need.  What is considered better?

short visit

I keep trying to sit down and write, but either I can’t find the words once I’m in front of the computer, or more often, life just gets in the way (like right now).  I was hoping for some time today to just get lost and extract my thoughts for a while but that might need to wait for a few days.  I know if I don’t get something out, I’ll be high strung again by the end of the week.  I feel the thoughts starting to circle.  I felt so much better yesterday.