Whenever I’m particularly lonely or depression is at it’s peak, I find myself becoming obsessive about some fantasy world. I find some scifi/fantasy TV show and I completely immerse myself in it. It’s never on purpose, and I feel myself disconnect even more from reality, but it gives me an escape from the world I can’t stand. Once I get hook on a show (it usually takes about 6-8 episodes over a period of days/weeks), I not only start watching every episode, in order, but spend all my free time surfing the internet for more information. It could be character back stories, other shows the actors are in, outtakes, or just general news about the show. It’s gives me something to focus on besides my life.
Below are my past television obsessions,starting with the most recent, marked with years of peak obssesion. I typically latch on to one show at a time. Once it’s over, or I’ve exhausted myself (that can take years), I come back to real life for a while. Once I’m sick of that, I find a new show to “watch”.
- Doctor Who (current)
My current obsession, and I don’t even like the show very much. There’s too much time travel, not enough explanations of why things happen (give me some scifi rules to go on!) and it took me the whole first season to get hooked. If I do look past the awful scifi and just accept it as fantasy, the show is a bit more entertaining than I think it’s going to be. What really hooked me was the relationship between the Doctor and Rose. At first a little weird, but once they started showing love toward each other, I couldn’t get enough of it. I’m a sucker for a good love story. i just finished season 2 and Rose is gone, so I’m not too excited about the remaining season. i get attached to the characters and Doctor is known for it’s heavy actor rotation. I just hope the episodes where Rose comes back are worth it.
- Buffy/Angel (2006-2008)
I got hooked on this pretty mush after the series ended. Honestly, I couldn’t stand it when it was on. I can’t stand waiting week to week or month to month to continue the story. It doesn’t give me that high I need from watching 6 episodes in a row (which I do more often than not). Again, sucker for a good love story, and what’s more epic than a vampire and a slayer? (for full disclosure, I’ve read all the twilight books and I am completely offended by Stephanie Meyer. That woman should never be allowed near pen and paper again).
I got lost in the whedonverse. I followed news sites, watched random independent films staring tertiary actors, and found “dailies” showing unused footage. This obsession actually started when I watched a countdown show of the most unexpected moments in television on a new year’s eve (seriously, how pathetic am I?). They covered the musical episode, and from there I started watching, in order, starting at season 6. That was a very dark and sexual season that got to me on multiple levels. I found the outtakes from when Buffy and Spike had sex I would watch that over and over like fantasy porn. I couldn’t get enough of Spike. I’m still a James Marsters fan.
- Charmed (2005-2006)
Again, I didn’t start watching this show when it aired, but a few seasons behind. I enjoy the idea of witchcraft and the empowering feeling I get when I practice. I know this show is a hollywood bastardization of wicca, but I ignored what I had to.The Piper-Leo love story got to me, and also a bit of the Phoebe-Cole, good over evil thing. Cole’s character/actor also got me trying to watch nip/tuck, but that pretty much ruined my fantasy of Cole.
- Star Trek (the original series) (2004-2005)
The first start trek I ever saw was Voyager, and I was content watching that on a weekly basis before bed. It wasn’t until I was 18, and on spring break from college that I had the chance to watch the original series. At first I thought, “Hey, and old 60s scifi show, this should be hilarious”. It was incredibly campy, but after a few shows, I was hooked. The stories were good, and I began to understand why Trekkies exist. I used to qualify as one. I could easily lose myself in the online fandom. I tracked down as many star trek references as I could. From Leonard Nimoy in futurama, to Kevin Pollack doing his william shatner impersonation.
- ReBoot (1998-2000)
This was my first ever obsession (TV or not). this started when I was 10. My parents were separated and I had mentally shut down from the rape. I got lost in the computer world. I was angry when I couldn’t watch the show. I even made my mother change plans to go out so I could hit record on the VCR and not miss anything. I trained my body to wake itself up at 1am to catch it when cartoon network changed the airtime. This obsession is still with me, but in a controlled sense. I just finished and AndrAIa cosplay outfit I hope to wear someday.
It’s not always about the plot thought. Actually, it rarely is. It’s always about the characters, and their relationships with one another. When I’m lost in their world, I form attachments to them. It allows me to feel something, safely, without judgment from the real world. It’s sad, but losing myself in the fantasy is the only time I feel alive.
p.s. You’ll notice a gap between ReBoot and Charmed. This was when Harry Potter took over my life. I don’t include it here since a) it’s not a TV show, and b) this didn’t withdraw me completely. I made my best friend and bonded with her over HP. I’m still a major HP fan and it’s universe is ingrained in my existence. It’s part of who I am.
Posted in depression, inner thoughts, life, stress
Tagged alone, analysis, angel, anxiety, buffy, charmed, childhood, depression, distractions, doctor who, escape, frustrated, health, life, obsession, reboot, reflection, scifi, star trek, stress, television, therapy, thoughts, tv
Initially, I was going to title this post “Stalled”, since I feel as though my life is stuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. Partially, that may be true, but everything comes down to the decisions I make (or don’t make, as is often the case). I am inherently risk-adverse, essentially over-analyzing every situation to a point where I convince myself the reward is not worth the risk. I can see the pattern in myself but I’m too afraid to break it. I’ve had encouragement from my ex, since he used to go through the same set of feelings, but since he’s no longer a part of my daily life, I’ve been too content to sit back and watch life pass me by. I’ve been distracting myself with random hobbies, from guitar to sewing, to claymaking, to photography, to consuming way too much internet. My mom has told me since I graduated that I need a hobby. Just nothing cries out to me. I’ll get on a kick for a while but lose interest if it gets too hard or non productive.
I’m one of those people that need to be working toward a goal to feel satisfied. Ever since I was a kid, that goal was to be good at school then complete my degree, and my graduate degree. Since I’ve left college, I have a good stable job (even if it’s not what I thought I was going to do) and I don’t have any significant goals left. Realistically, I don’t know if I want to get married, but ideally I think I would. I’m not sure emotionally based goals are the best thing for me anyway. I’ll probably just sink back in to my complacent lifestyle and depression once that goal is accomplished. I haven’t felt myself since my last big project at work ended 6 months ago. Ive been coasting and I’m tired of it. But I’m afraid to change jobs, or even departments. Currently I don’t have the internal strength to meet and get along with new people and re-prove myself to a new boss. I probably shouldn’t define myself or my life by my work, but it is a significant portion of my day, and alot of it is something I like.
I need balance. I need a different perspective towards life. I want to start living, but I’m afraid to and I don’t even know where to start. Life is ok right now. I have a job, I have a place to live, I can afford what I need. What is considered better?
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, ex, inner thoughts, life, stress
Tagged analysis, anxiety, decisions, distractions, ex, fear, frustrated, learning, life, reflection, risk, scared, stress, work
I keep trying to sit down and write, but either I can’t find the words once I’m in front of the computer, or more often, life just gets in the way (like right now). I was hoping for some time today to just get lost and extract my thoughts for a while but that might need to wait for a few days. I know if I don’t get something out, I’ll be high strung again by the end of the week. I feel the thoughts starting to circle. I felt so much better yesterday.