So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him. And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦
I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us. I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.
I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok. but now he’s essentially disappeared.
I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me. I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype. And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.
My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out. I’ve moved past that reaction. I thought I was his friend again.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, ex, friend, friendship, frustrated, life, relationships, stress, thoughts
Initially, I was going to title this post “Stalled”, since I feel as though my life is stuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. Partially, that may be true, but everything comes down to the decisions I make (or don’t make, as is often the case). I am inherently risk-adverse, essentially over-analyzing every situation to a point where I convince myself the reward is not worth the risk. I can see the pattern in myself but I’m too afraid to break it. I’ve had encouragement from my ex, since he used to go through the same set of feelings, but since he’s no longer a part of my daily life, I’ve been too content to sit back and watch life pass me by. I’ve been distracting myself with random hobbies, from guitar to sewing, to claymaking, to photography, to consuming way too much internet. My mom has told me since I graduated that I need a hobby. Just nothing cries out to me. I’ll get on a kick for a while but lose interest if it gets too hard or non productive.
I’m one of those people that need to be working toward a goal to feel satisfied. Ever since I was a kid, that goal was to be good at school then complete my degree, and my graduate degree. Since I’ve left college, I have a good stable job (even if it’s not what I thought I was going to do) and I don’t have any significant goals left. Realistically, I don’t know if I want to get married, but ideally I think I would. I’m not sure emotionally based goals are the best thing for me anyway. I’ll probably just sink back in to my complacent lifestyle and depression once that goal is accomplished. I haven’t felt myself since my last big project at work ended 6 months ago. Ive been coasting and I’m tired of it. But I’m afraid to change jobs, or even departments. Currently I don’t have the internal strength to meet and get along with new people and re-prove myself to a new boss. I probably shouldn’t define myself or my life by my work, but it is a significant portion of my day, and alot of it is something I like.
I need balance. I need a different perspective towards life. I want to start living, but I’m afraid to and I don’t even know where to start. Life is ok right now. I have a job, I have a place to live, I can afford what I need. What is considered better?
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, ex, inner thoughts, life, stress
Tagged analysis, anxiety, decisions, distractions, ex, fear, frustrated, learning, life, reflection, risk, scared, stress, work
The definition of a friend varies person to person. growing up, I also consider my friends the people I saw in school and could talk to on a regular basis. I rarely saw anyone outside of class. I was so naive. I never realized that it takes more than sitting next to someone for 7 hours to become a friend. They were just stuck with me, and were nice to me because the were bored and it would do any good to ignore me for the hell of it. I guess that’s the way to make the best of the situation. I can’t say i ever had a single best friend growing up. Every school year, i would spend my time with typically one person. I never hung out with anyone in the summer months, and the next school year they would inevitably end up in a different class, and I would find someone else to bond to.
I never knew how close two people could become until I met my (now ex) boyfriend back in college. He gave me the best definition of a friend, and I still go by it today. He said a friend is someone you can confide in, and be comfortable talking to. A friend wasn’t based on how often you see them, or how nice they are to you. Everyone who didn’t fit the description of a friend was an acquaintance. I’ve had may acquaintances in my lifetime, but I can say I’ve only has 3 friends. One I see/talk to only a few times a year. We don’t really have much in common anymore (we met in middle school), but we still get along enough to be supportive of each other. My only real best friend was my boyfriend. I was devastated when we broke up, since I lost my only true friend. I’ve tried to fill the void with someone else, but it’s nowhere near the same. there are something you can only talk about with someone you’ve been intimate with.
I think another reason I feel compelled to post my problems to the internet, is that I’ve burned my friends out. Friends are supposed to be there to support you, but I think I’ve just exhausted them with my issues. Hopefully by posting here I can just let go and be a good friend to those I have left. and maybe be able to make new ones. Once I figure out to be a friend…
Posted in analysis, inner thoughts, life
Tagged analysis, boyfriend, childhood, ex, friend, friendship, learning, reflection, relationships