No Control

I’m a slave to my family, and I can’t break it.  Everything they want, I cave to.  I don’t know why I’m so weak.  Why I must always keep my mother happy.  I should have left years ago.  As I get closer to closing on the house that I essentially bought for my brother to live in, I keep thinking “what if”.  It’s horrible and I’m in tears writing this and thinking about it.  Where my life would be, who I’d be with, who I would be.  I know it’s all just a fantasy, and I’m probably just looking at the optimal outcome, but it sucks.  I swear I’d have a better career, maybe even married by now.  At least I’d have the opportunity for a serious relationship.  I can’t do that when I can’t have anyone over, with privacy.  Not with her emailing or calling me when I’m out.  I let her walk all over me for fear of just getting yelled at.  I don’t know why she terrifies me so much.  NOw my life savings are tied to a house that I have to continually pay for and my brother lives in.  Today my mom was going on about how happy my brother will be.  “He gets his own house, where he’s incharge” . No shit.  For some reason he gets that, but I don’t.  I’m stuck here essentially as her husband.  I want my own life and now I’m trapped even more.

The tears don’t stop.  I don’t know a way out.  I’m so afraid I’m going to something very stupid to myself.  At least I don’t know where the razors are anymore.  Sometimes just thinking about cutting again makes me feel better.  I hope that will be enough. I can’t afford to get anymore scars.  I don’t have a cat to blame them on anymore.  I feel so powerless and foolish.

Giving up control to be accepted

I really annoy myself sometimes.  I spend months in self imposed social isolation, and then once I start to crave social interaction again, I want to say just screw it, and go back in my hole.

So I missed the release of the final HP movie (HP is my obsession).  I try to do those things with J and her family, but that didn’t work out (family emergencies on her side, so no blame there).  But now we made plans to go tomorrow and she just called to say now we’re going on sunday since that’s when everyone else can go.  I’m always just this appendage to the core group, like my opinion doesn’t mean anything.  What if I was busy?  At least I got them to not go at 11 pm, when you know, people have to get up and go to work in the morning.  I feel bad saying that but, she can be so flaky, so we might not even go anyway.  Now I have this giant knot in my stomach because plans I was looking forward to are changing. I don’t like giving up control, which is necessary when dealing with the hive mind of a group of friends (well, any social relationship requires give and take, but I’m so overwhelmingly the one just going along for the ride.  To make everyone else happy.  So they’ll like me.  So I can say I have friends…)

Also, and I hate mention him in every post, but The Boy asked me to dinner on sunday night (kind of our regular thing).  So I make a choice, dinner or HP.  The Boy asked me after I agreed to go on saturday with J, so I’m kinda committed to HP.  Plus, it’s the last one so this dilemma won’t happen again.  I’ve gone Sundays without seeing The Boy, but I miss him, and haven’t seen him all week.  Then again, he’s been with his friend from out of town all day, and will be with him until mid afternoon Sunday.  So it’s kind of like he’s just fitting me afterwards anyway.

ugh.