Tag Archives: update

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

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Awkward Interactions

This week has not been a good one for me socially.  It seems like every interaction with someone is filled with misuderstanding or just bad vibes.  I’m sure it’s my problem or a self fuffilling prophecy, but it’s really put me on edge.  I’ve been having mini panic attacks whenever I have to interate with someone. Not even talk to them, just seeing them in the hallway makes we want to dive into the next room and pretend I’m a turtle.

alot of it has just been stupid stuff, like yesterday.  My boss called in a broken door lock and so a guy comes down soon after.  My boss left the room for some reason (I never know why), So I ask the guy “You here for the door?”  and I don’t know what he heard me say, but he said The one I just walked, through? I saw that.  Is <my boss> here, he’s expecting me.”  Wait, what? Usually they fixit guys don’t care who called it in, so I was preparing to explain about the door.  I txted my boss to let him know the door guys was here.  As you’ve probably figured out, that guy was not the door guy.   I was just left ina wave of confusiona nd just carried on about my day.

Anoth reason, the awkwardness is my problem, is I went to lunch with the Boy on Monday and I didn’t get the soup that comes with the meal.  i honestly don’t care, but I was just too terrified to assert myself. (The Boy got his soup, so I don’t understand why they thought it was normal for one person to not get soup, especially when asked, the person says “Yes, I want soup”.  whatever.

So the last awkward interaction was to day and really messed me up.  I had to interview someone and we interview in pairs.  I don’t really like interviewing, since I’m usually more nervous about what I’m saying/how I say it/ stumbling over my words.  well today was one of the worst examples of it.  The guy is still in college, so younger than me, but he barely acknowledged my existance.  He got along with the guy I was paired with.  The thing that really pissed me off was whenever I asked a question, he would respond to the the other guy.  WTF?  I’m right there.  On the times he managed to look in my direction he would make really short ye contact and then look at something 2 feet above my head.  i wanted to chock it up to nervousness or fear of women, but 2 women interviewed him next and didn’t see a problem.  It shouldn’t have bothered me that much, but I’ve been so down on myself lately, that someone who is looking for me to recommended him for  job couldn’t even give me basic human courtesy.

One more day of work and then I can check out for a while.  Only a 3 day week next week with the holiday, so hopefully I’ll be able tog et back into the right frame of mind.  this self doubt/loathing is getting old.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.

There goes my social life…

So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month.  I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?)  I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this.  She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living.  She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her)  So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school.  She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.

I glad she can get her life in order.  Really, I am.  But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her.  She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no.  I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother.  I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend.  I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself:  I am selfish. I am a terrible friend.  Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it.  I just bought her concert tickets for graduation.  I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.

She is my only friend.  I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking.  Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her).  I’m not sure what happens now.  It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.

I like consistency.  I like being able to plan.  I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life.  Too many variables.  I’ve known J since the 6th grade.

Life will be different.

Second Tier Friend

I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s been right in my face so I need to talk about it again.   I have two people I can call my friends, which may not even be friends by some people’s definitions; The Boy and J.  I’ve known J since middle school but our relationship kind of fades in and out.  Lately we’ve been getting long well, we actually hung out a couple times in two weeks, which is impressive since we only see each other a couple times a year.  Which is dumb since she lives in the next town.

So we spend an afternoon/night getting dinner, playing games and cruising the mall and everything seem great.  We find a game she absolutely wants to try but can’t afford.  a few days later I end up getting it and she’s super excited to play.  I invite her to my house (which I never do.  She doesn’t drive so I always go to hers, plus that’s where the other people are).  turns out she isn’t good at the game and I think I made her uncomfortable since we ended up having dinner with my family.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t invite people over.  It’s an inconvenience to my mother and I end up upsetting the general order of things.

So I think everything is ok at the end of the night, but I haven’t heard from her since.  I posted a link to her facebook wall I thought she’d like, but she completely ignored it.  We always “like” each other’s links.  since we don’t see each other often, this is how we maintain a friendship.  I know I’m over analyzing this, but I don’t want to lose the few “friends” I have.  It’s like she only wanted to hang out with me when we do what she finds interesting.  And I will cave to whatever she wants to do, but I won’t be able to contribute much.  We have very different personalities and few things in common.  Probably not enough to maintain the friendship, but we get along ok.

Plus we made theoretical plans to take a vacation together when she graduates but I doubt that will happen.  I’ve been dying to go to HP world and she already went but would go again.  I know I’m being selfish in wanting to go but I don’t have anyone else.  I’d go alone but that’s not as much fun and kind of sad 😦

So now that I’m of no longer any use to J, I may not hear from her for a while.  And now I’ve found out (via facebook posts) she has a new comic book nerd friend and they are exchanging messages like crazy. This is going to be painful to watch unfold.

And I lent her some DVDs the last time we hung out.  I wonder if I’ll get those back.

</rant>

Everyone knows what to do with my money but me.

I don’t have a lot of money.  Admittedly, this is a relative term, but overall, I’d say I’m middle class.  I’ve been saving everything I can since I started working, with the exception of a car and braces (desperately needed).  Now, most of my money goes to household/my brother’s bills.  that is supposed to end soon when he graduates, but we’ll see.  I was told I only needed to keep paying for a few months, until my mother started her summer job.  That never happened.

Anyway, I have almost enough saved up for a house, and more than enough to move into an apartment, but for some reason I’m not allowed to.  Since my mother is my real estate agent, I can only buy something she approves of.  The only she approves of are 10K houses in Florida and multiple family units in the area we live in.  Neither of which I’m supposed to live in.  Just income properties or a sit and wait property if talking about florida (because the prices are so cheap).  Thanks, mom, but I’d like a say in this.  Everytime I bring up moving out or buying my own house she completely ignores me or tries to “remind” me of the money I could be making with a rental income.  That’s great, but I’m starting to lose it.  I would love to have a supplemental income, but if I sink my life savings into that, I’m stuck with her for whose knows how long.

That’s been the situation for the past few years.  Now she has a new idea for me.  My grandparents are getting older and both they and her want them to live closer to us.  Great. But somehow, I got roped into this.  Now when I bring up buying my own place she tells me to just buy a place for my grandparents, and you can move in when they no longer need it (death or retirement home).  Oh, ok >.<

I’ll be 40 by the time that happens.  She was very surprised when I said that to her.  She has no idea how old I am.  Once my cat no longer needs me, I’m out.

 

Something good for once

I rarely post about the good things in my life, since there are relatively few of them, and the hell in my head makes me forget them.  With that I’d like to post about one positive change I made, which a few years ago, I probably never would have.

I moved into a new office at work.  Yes, yes, groundbreaking personal growth </sarcasm>,  It actually is a big step for me, given how much I hate change.  I always choose the devil I know.  I’ve been in the same office since I started working there 5 years ago, with the same office mate.  My office mate and I were never all that personal to each other.  I think it was just the awkwardness and differences in our personalities.  He also worked somewhat different hours than me so I had the office to myself for periods of time.  It was a decent setup, with some occasioanl inconviences, but I know I could have been in a much worse situation.

So, then my coworker, who I actually work on the same project with asked me to move into his office when his old office mate moved out.  At first I was hesitant, since I wouldn’t know how the dynamic would be.  We got along well and talked daily anyway, but I was afraid that even more social interaction would just exhaust me and put me over my limit.

He has a strong personality and likes to get things done, so I had a hard time telling him no.  I’m glad I didn’t tell him no though.  I’m actually happy going into work, knowing the person a few feet away likes me and likes talking to me.  It’s not too much interaction, and since we’re on the same project we get a bit more work done, than when we were running back and forth to each others’ office.

Also, it turns out he is the best office mate ever 🙂  He made me a cake for my birthday, bought me a light bulb for my lamp and today I came in a found a box of homemade cookies on my desk.  I picked him out a nice christmasy plant to give him tomorrow.  It’s not much in comparison, but I’m not used to gift giving acquaintances.  My social development is improving, and for once I made a positive change in my life (given a strong push, of course).