Really. My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.
So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight. why? Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time. Ugh. The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before. Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME. She wants to open the pool. I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend. I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party. I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago. And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him. I don’t even have official plans with the Boy. I just told her that based on past exepriences. I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday. What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later? ok.” There is never a good time >.<
Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her. Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite? Great.
The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here. His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool. I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend. “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here? I don’t have any money. You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping. I just I was just “supposed” to know)
Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet. She doesn’t even cook for me. If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks. She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.
Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout. I’m not your husband Mom. I am not married to you. I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now. God forbid I try.
Posted in anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, train of thought, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, bitch, bitching, depression, family, frustrated, life, mother, relationships, situations, stress, thoughts, trapped, update, yelling
So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month. I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?) I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this. She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living. She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her) So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school. She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.
I glad she can get her life in order. Really, I am. But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her. She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no. I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother. I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend. I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself: I am selfish. I am a terrible friend. Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it. I just bought her concert tickets for graduation. I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.
She is my only friend. I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking. Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her). I’m not sure what happens now. It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.
I like consistency. I like being able to plan. I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life. Too many variables. I’ve known J since the 6th grade.
Life will be different.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationships, stress, train of thought
Tagged alone, anxiety, changes, fear, friend, friendship, learning, life, lonely, moving, reflection, situations, thoughts, update
I don’t have a lot of money. Admittedly, this is a relative term, but overall, I’d say I’m middle class. I’ve been saving everything I can since I started working, with the exception of a car and braces (desperately needed). Now, most of my money goes to household/my brother’s bills. that is supposed to end soon when he graduates, but we’ll see. I was told I only needed to keep paying for a few months, until my mother started her summer job. That never happened.
Anyway, I have almost enough saved up for a house, and more than enough to move into an apartment, but for some reason I’m not allowed to. Since my mother is my real estate agent, I can only buy something she approves of. The only she approves of are 10K houses in Florida and multiple family units in the area we live in. Neither of which I’m supposed to live in. Just income properties or a sit and wait property if talking about florida (because the prices are so cheap). Thanks, mom, but I’d like a say in this. Everytime I bring up moving out or buying my own house she completely ignores me or tries to “remind” me of the money I could be making with a rental income. That’s great, but I’m starting to lose it. I would love to have a supplemental income, but if I sink my life savings into that, I’m stuck with her for whose knows how long.
That’s been the situation for the past few years. Now she has a new idea for me. My grandparents are getting older and both they and her want them to live closer to us. Great. But somehow, I got roped into this. Now when I bring up buying my own place she tells me to just buy a place for my grandparents, and you can move in when they no longer need it (death or retirement home). Oh, ok >.<
I’ll be 40 by the time that happens. She was very surprised when I said that to her. She has no idea how old I am. Once my cat no longer needs me, I’m out.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, stress, train of thought, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, decisions, depression, frustrated, life, mother, situations, stress, thoughts, update