There’s something wrong with me

Something in my brain is broken.  I don’t understand basic human behaviors.

At the suggestion of a coworker, I read Lean In, a book by the COO of Facebook about why there are so few women leaders.  The beginning was good and made sense, which talked about gender stereotypes and cultural bias.  However the bulk of the book was bout being a mother and the questioning of a women’s dedication to her work, and the societal expectation that women are meant to be mothers/nurturing.

Sadly, this part of the book did not apply to me, and I don’t think it ever will.

I have never wanted children, and I don’t understand anyone who does (male or female).  I don’t see what the benefit it.  I did some research to try to find out why, but all I got was that people wanted someone to love them and to love them back.  That they just “wanted” to be a parent.  I understand perpetuation of the species and primal desires, but humans are an intelligent race of beings.  We move past our innate desires all the time.  The desire to fight, to eat, to fuck.  We all keep it under control (well, most of us anyway).

I feel nothing when I think of parenting, like it’s meant for someone else to do.  I know there is nothing wrong with my choice, but I wonder why I feel this way.  My mother had me, obviously.  She did however, instill at an early age that sex was bad, having a relationship was bad, and getting pregnant would ruin my life.  To this day she’ll judge a pregnant women, when she herself was one twice, and once by choice (I was not the choice).

Maybe it is conditioning.  Maybe by living in that environment, I know that I don’t want to end up like her, alone, poor and bitter.  I wish someone could give me a legitimate reason for having a child. There’s not guarantee they’ll love you or care for you later, or even be healthy.  All I see is risk and work for nothing.

Maybe I’m just a horrible child myself.

What I sacrificed…

<begin emotionally charged rant>

My life may seem perfect to the outsider. I should be envied, looked up to, and respected. But what I have isn’t what I wanted. I fell into this. I came here out of necessity. Outside forces pushed my to make the decisions I did, to avoid the fights for what I wanted.

Let’s start with college. I picked the most practical major I could tolerlate. It was no coinicence that is was the same as yours. My own fault, I sought your approval of my life. Compuer science was not what I wanted, but I pick the career path that I wouldn’t need 8+ years of schooling for. I wanted to be astronomer since I was 7, but I would be useless in the real world until I got a phd. And even then career prospects are slim. I gave up on my dream to be practical. I finished college so fast I don’t remember it. 3 years, 2 degrees. I took too many classes and I suffered, my grades suffered, all in order to get out “early”. So I could save you money. I lived at home. To save you money. I did everything you wanted, even if you didn’t expicitely ask for it.

I tried to move out when I graduated.  I could afford it.  I had a good job, I would still be close by.  But no.  This guilt trips started.  “How can I keep up this house by myself?  You expect me to live in this big house by myself?”  You kept saying. So what am I supposed to do?  Live with you forever?  Seems like it. You can’t afford this house without me now, yet you refuse to sell it.  You keep saying you want to move to another state, but you never do.  And you won’t go without me anyway.  So I’m stuck here.  Forever.

Yes, my live is good.  It’s a good house in a safe area.  I can afford the things I want, but MY life is on hold.  As long as I’m here, as long as half my paycheck goes to this family, I can never have my own family.  I’m 26.  That gives me 4 years left before I  having genetically deficient kids.  Dating is next to impossible.  You never leave the house.  I can never be alone.  Dinner  together is an issue EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  I have to plan what I’m going days in advanced, and if I don’t tell you those plans as soon as I know them, you flip out.

Now I can afford to by my own house.  That last card in your hand.  But no, I can’t do that, since I’m supposed to be being a house to rent out to other people.  Thanks for asking what I want to do with MY money.  I don’t want to be a landlord.  yes, I get that real estate is good, and that you’ve done this before, but I remebered how stressed you were.  I don’t want tenants calling me at 3 am because their toliet broke.  I WANT MY OWN LIFE.

I can’t win this battle.  You won’t accept any reasons I have for living my own life, with my choices.  Every time I do something that I want and you disapprove of, you scream at me, but you refuse to accept that you’re screaming at me.  You don’t even know your own behavior.

90% of the time I’m ok with this situation.  But the rest of the time is heartbreaking for me.  I’m a rat trapped by your logic.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.

Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.

How can I (with audio)

 I will be the first to tell you that I should not quit my day job to become a musician.  With that in mind, there is some level of peace and catharsis I achieve when I play.

With that in mind, this is the song I wrote about my cousin after he died.  It’s my first and last “complete” song.  I have bits and pieces of other songs written down, but nothing coherent.  For obvious reasons, I don’t sing in front of anyone, but I feel safe sharing it here.

 

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
Blinded by winds of sand
Now I can see your end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
This high will bring you down
Now you have reached the end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

How can I…
How can I…

How Can I… (p)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
Blinded by winds of sand
Now I can see your end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
This high will bring you down
Now you have reached the end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

How can I…
How can I…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

Perceived Restrictions

I can’t believe the weekend is over already.  I feel like I didn’t do anything that I wanted to do.  I helped my mom renovate the kitchen, but still, it sucks that I work 50 hour weeks, never have time to do anything after work and then my weekend gets sucked into whatever my mom had planned.  All this while my brother gets to go out everyday, stay over with his girlfriend in the city and my mom doesn’t even blink an eye.  I know there’s a double standard with parents and their kids;  boys get much more free reign, even if they’re younger.  At least I’ve been able to convince my mom it’s ok for my to stay out past midnight.  She always needs to know where I am, where I’m going and she has successfully trained me (from past arguments) to feel guilty if I don’t.  I can never fully ejoy myself when I’m out, since I’m worried she’ll call, or email and, me, being a polite person, doesn’t check my phone every 2 minutes.  I always dread the ride home, wondering if she’ll be up.  If she is, then it’s another 20 minutes trying to have a half conversation with her and not to get her angry (she’s always so touchy when she’s tired or had a drink in her).  Things have been ok lately, but the first time I stayed out past 11 with The Boy, she had my brother call me, even though I called her 4 hours earlier to tell her where I’d be.  Then she gets upset with me the next day, saying she thought I learned my lesson with the ex.  I’m not sure what her real problem was, since she knew where I was (I gave the address), that I’d be out late, and oh yeah, I’m 23 years old with a graduate degree and a full time, respectable job.

Yeah, so that was a couple years ago, but the fear of having another of those arguments always haunts me.  I never know when she’ll be ok or decide to flip out over nothing.  I want to move out, and start my life.  I’m tired of answering to someone who still treats me like an incompetent child.  She won’t let me cut the lawn or even wash the dishes the past two days, because she “doesn’t want the new counters to get wet”.  I feel like I need to grow, that I’m stuck in my personality and way of thinking.  I want to some control over my day to day life.  I feel restricted in that I can’t do anything without telling her, almost like asking permission.  If I want to eat dinner at 9 pm or decide one day to have a 12 hour movie marathon, I want the option.  I cant even eat breakfast without her wanting me to do something.  I should just make myself less available, but I like to be home.  And the lack of friends to do things with gives me less opportunities.  Like there’s an HP movie marathon at the local theater this week and I would love to geek out and go see all of them, but there’s no way that would get past my mom.  I brought it up and all she said was, “that’s alot of sitting” and “don’t you you have those on dvd?”

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my mom.  But sometimes I think we’d be  better off if I lived elsewhere.  If only she’d let me leave…

Still here…

Sorry for not posting more than once a week.  When I first started this blog, I had a rampant stream of thoughts in my head I needed to get out.  I’ve been feeling complacent/almost content lately, so the chaotic monkeys in the brain have settled down.  I also spent last week organizing my room, which gives me a sense of calm.  I’m greatly affected by the environment I’m in.  Now that things are (mostly) orderly and I removed alot of things I don’t use, my mind is at ease.

I cleaned out my closet of everything I’m too fat to fit in.  I can now see all the clothes I have and I no longer have the depressing thought of “I’ll fit into these eventually”.  I know that’s supposed to be a good motivator for weight loss, but it’s been years and I’m still 20+ lbs over where I was in college.  One thing I don’t like about my job is the sitting.  I went from walking miles a day in college to just walking to the car.  I always think I’ll find balance eventually, mostly when I move out on my own, and I’m not forced to eat dinner I didn’t make every night.  I’m tired of the structure I’m tired of the structure I’m living in.  My life is not my own.  family is improtant to me, and deep down I am terrified to leave them, but I know it’s best for my mentality that I do.  I don’t need to go far, but it will still be a huge change.  I don’t react well to huge changes.

Well, that’s the stream of consciousness for today.  Ball with The Boy tomorrow hopefully.