Sorry I haven’t posted as much. I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts. Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words. I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt. I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again. As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often. I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it. Maybe I just needed a break from everyone. I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful. I’m actually ok being away from everyone. I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.
I had a strong bout of self doubt last night. I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great. then I start thinking about the details and I panic. Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do. I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people and afriad of the teachers again. I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed. I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.
I’m losing focus again. I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life. I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run. I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me. But I don’t know if I’m management material either. i don’t know what I am or really what I want. I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried. I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been. I hate regret. I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.
I worry about the future too much. I forget to live today. Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.