Tag Archives: risk

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven’t posted as much.  I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts.  Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words.  I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt.  I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again.  As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often.  I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it.  Maybe I just needed a break from everyone.  I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful.  I’m actually ok being away from everyone.  I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.

I had a strong bout of self doubt last night.  I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great.  then I start thinking about the details and I panic.  Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do.  I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people  and afriad of the teachers again.  I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed.  I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.

I’m losing focus again.  I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life.  I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run.  I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me.  But I don’t know if I’m management material either.  i don’t know what I am or really what I want.  I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried.  I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.  I hate regret.  I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.

I worry about the future too much.  I forget to live today.  Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.

I think I’m bipolar

No offense intended to anyone who is bipolar, but I’m trying to explain why I can be so depressed and angry and lethargic and then be the way I am now.

I’ve been so hyper.  Not necessarily happy, but I ‘ve been doing things I wouldn’t normally do.  I started a new blog for my hobbies and I’ve been posting to  that like crazy.  I even put pictures up of myself, which is very much not like me.  I’m initiaiting contact with people, but I’m also very impatient.  I was waiting to hear from my friend about watching the super bowl (he said on friday we’d work out details this weekend) but by saturday night, I hadn’t hear anything.  My brain goe in to overdrive, thinking he got a better offer, so I emailed him.  a few mintues later he gets back to me, but I still feel slighted.

I also tried to apply for a textbook writer position for the new myHogwarts program.  I wrote up my writing sample and eveything.  Typically, I don’t want to interact with strangers on the internet who will judge me, but I was excited.  I was still scared though, so I wanted to wait, and reread what I wrote.  Turns out I shouldn’t have, since they just closed applications (it’s been two days for crying out loud).

So now, I’m upset I let another opportunity pass.  I still don’t trust myself, but maybe next time I won’t be so hesitant.  I have to take a risk at some point.

Something good for once

I rarely post about the good things in my life, since there are relatively few of them, and the hell in my head makes me forget them.  With that I’d like to post about one positive change I made, which a few years ago, I probably never would have.

I moved into a new office at work.  Yes, yes, groundbreaking personal growth </sarcasm>,  It actually is a big step for me, given how much I hate change.  I always choose the devil I know.  I’ve been in the same office since I started working there 5 years ago, with the same office mate.  My office mate and I were never all that personal to each other.  I think it was just the awkwardness and differences in our personalities.  He also worked somewhat different hours than me so I had the office to myself for periods of time.  It was a decent setup, with some occasioanl inconviences, but I know I could have been in a much worse situation.

So, then my coworker, who I actually work on the same project with asked me to move into his office when his old office mate moved out.  At first I was hesitant, since I wouldn’t know how the dynamic would be.  We got along well and talked daily anyway, but I was afraid that even more social interaction would just exhaust me and put me over my limit.

He has a strong personality and likes to get things done, so I had a hard time telling him no.  I’m glad I didn’t tell him no though.  I’m actually happy going into work, knowing the person a few feet away likes me and likes talking to me.  It’s not too much interaction, and since we’re on the same project we get a bit more work done, than when we were running back and forth to each others’ office.

Also, it turns out he is the best office mate ever 🙂  He made me a cake for my birthday, bought me a light bulb for my lamp and today I came in a found a box of homemade cookies on my desk.  I picked him out a nice christmasy plant to give him tomorrow.  It’s not much in comparison, but I’m not used to gift giving acquaintances.  My social development is improving, and for once I made a positive change in my life (given a strong push, of course).

Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man :-/

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.

…Followed by Depression

So, social anxiety last week = depression for the rest of this week :-(.  I can barely move.  I can’t focus.  I know the look on my face must be horrendous.  It takes all my will power to have a conversation with someone at work.  Not to mention I completely blew off the Boy over the weekend.  What the hell was I thinking?  He’s always been so nice to me (minus the not telling me things part).  Now I may have screwed this up completely.  I don’t know how long he’ll stick around with these seeming random bouts of ignoring him and grumpiness.

Oh, yeah, I also feel completely dead inside.  I almost don’t care if the Boy walks away.  He’d be better off with someone more emotionally stable anyway.  I just know once I’m out of this funk I’ll pine incessantly after him.  Or the Ex. My birthday is coming up so I expect our annual facebook message exchange.  That should be fun </sarcasm>.

When can I start my life?