Tag Archives: love

My Fantasy Reality

I think I’ve lost touch with reality again.  I think I just want something so much that I’ve built up this whole scenario in my head. I know I’m a fool for thinking it’s true, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I’m seating myself up for heart break.

I don’t know if it’s the stress involved that causes me to construct a safe alternative reality, or if I’m just so delusional and egotistical that I just assume this can happen.

There are two issues, where I set myself up for unrealistic expectations.  The first is my epic return to grad school.  I went from thinking I *might* be able to get into a state school to “I totally deserve to be in a n Ivy league school, because I’m doing well in one class at said school”.  A year ago I was terrified and thought I could never handle the stress involved in the Ivy school.  Now I believe that not only would I survive, but I might even do well there.  I’m not totally sure what my basis is for the change, besides I’m focused and see others that are doing what I want to do and for once I don’t think I’m that far away from them.

It’s going to be a huge blow to my ego when I don’t get in next year.  The voice of doubt and failure in my head from last year is still there.  It’s just much quieter.  I just can’t decide if it’s putting me down or just a voice of reason.

This partially leads into my other false reality.  I believe if I don’t get in, I’m going to disappoint The Boy and he’ll leave me.  It’s stupid and extreme, but I’m not sure it’s that unlikely a result.  He went to Ivy and has been heavy interested in my return to school.  Sometimes I feel like a fake person around him, because my true self is childish and hyper and rambles to the point of incoherency.  I try to control it around him, but it slips out.  He’s still hangin out with me for over 6 years, so I’m either really good at hiding the crazy or he ignores it for some reason.  I still have no idea why he likes me.  No one has ever been my friend for this long and been so close to me.

This may be the other false reality.  To me, he’s my best friend.  I don’t think he feels the same way about me though.  I’m kept in a separate compartment of his life where I only see him in certain situations and I don’t mix with his friends (I’ve never met them, although he used to talk about them more).

This is why I need to keep writing about him.  To remind myself that my definition of an intimate/devoted relationship is not the same as normal people.  What is probably just a regular friend (even work friend) to him is a soul mate to me.  I’ve fallen in love with someone supportive, nice, smart, funny and someone who genuinely cares about me. Those are great qualities to have, but also ones that should come with a standard friend.  I think that’s all he sees me as, but I’m seeing so much more potential than that.  I’m terrified to put myself out there in fear of losing him.  There is not much worse than acknowledging your love for someone and scaring them away.  It’s not that anything significant has changed in our relationship over the past few months.  I’m just seeing his qualities in a more long term light.  I want to be with him, and imagine my life with him to a disturbingly concrete level.  But The relationship isn’t actually moving in that direction.  I just see it in my head and forget it’s not real.

I know sharing this would him would be upsetting, as this has happened to me before.  Someone who I saw as only an acquaintance had built up a whole romantic relationship with me over a year.  it became so intense for him that when he shared it with me he thought there was a chance.  It freaked me out and upset me.  I don’t want to do that to The Boy.

The problem is I don’t know if I should be moving one to someone else.  I feel close to him and attempting to be close to someone else feels like a betrayal.  However, he may be more romantically interested in others.  I have no idea.  He doesn’t talk about his friends anymore, and never mentions any other girls.  I wish would just so I can have closure.

I want the story in my head to stop playing.  I’m afraid I’m going to act on fabricated information.

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I can’t judge relationships

I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me.  I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not.  And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.

My friend, who I see as  brother, just got engaged.  I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously.  Noe once did he mention her.  I don’t even know her name.  I clearly overvalued our friendship.  He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic.  We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works.  I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.

I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.

Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa).  I need to let these feelings go.  His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am.  I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me.  Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.

How can I (with audio)

 I will be the first to tell you that I should not quit my day job to become a musician.  With that in mind, there is some level of peace and catharsis I achieve when I play.

With that in mind, this is the song I wrote about my cousin after he died.  It’s my first and last “complete” song.  I have bits and pieces of other songs written down, but nothing coherent.  For obvious reasons, I don’t sing in front of anyone, but I feel safe sharing it here.

 

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
Blinded by winds of sand
Now I can see your end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
This high will bring you down
Now you have reached the end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

How can I…
How can I…