Tag Archives: scared

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven’t posted as much.  I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts.  Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words.  I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt.  I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again.  As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often.  I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it.  Maybe I just needed a break from everyone.  I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful.  I’m actually ok being away from everyone.  I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.

I had a strong bout of self doubt last night.  I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great.  then I start thinking about the details and I panic.  Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do.  I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people  and afriad of the teachers again.  I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed.  I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.

I’m losing focus again.  I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life.  I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run.  I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me.  But I don’t know if I’m management material either.  i don’t know what I am or really what I want.  I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried.  I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.  I hate regret.  I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.

I worry about the future too much.  I forget to live today.  Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.

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Wasting…everything

I feel like such a waste of space.  I’ve spent the last 5 hours doing absolutely nothing.  I’m home alone, I can do whatever I want but I feel trapped.  Like I’m waiting for something.  I’m dependent on my mother for interaction.  I’m 26, I shouldn’t be like this.  I’m still a child no matter how much I fight it.  She treats me like one, but maybe it’s for just cause.

I have a 1000 thoughts I want to get out, but nothing is coherent right now.  I filled a post it note summarizing my problems in relationships (romantic or not).  I’ll feel better once I get that out of my system.  Right now I’m suffering from mental constipation.

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man :-/

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.

…Followed by Depression

So, social anxiety last week = depression for the rest of this week :-(.  I can barely move.  I can’t focus.  I know the look on my face must be horrendous.  It takes all my will power to have a conversation with someone at work.  Not to mention I completely blew off the Boy over the weekend.  What the hell was I thinking?  He’s always been so nice to me (minus the not telling me things part).  Now I may have screwed this up completely.  I don’t know how long he’ll stick around with these seeming random bouts of ignoring him and grumpiness.

Oh, yeah, I also feel completely dead inside.  I almost don’t care if the Boy walks away.  He’d be better off with someone more emotionally stable anyway.  I just know once I’m out of this funk I’ll pine incessantly after him.  Or the Ex. My birthday is coming up so I expect our annual facebook message exchange.  That should be fun </sarcasm>.

When can I start my life?

Social Anxiety Strikes Again

Well, it’s Thursday.  The day my SA usually kicks in.  I had the bright idea last night to try to return to pickup ball after taking the summer off for softball.  Naturally, I bailed at the last minute.  I know it will be easier  once I start going on a regular basis, but today was little tougher to get going.  The Boy wasn’t going to be there, which is usually my main reason for going.  It’s also easier since I tend to use him a social crutch, staying near him when there are alot of people around.  I should have known last night he wasn’t going to be there since he emailed me and didn’t ask if I was going (he always asks).  stupid me didn’t realize this until after I told the household I would be home late.  Boy, we’re they surprised when they found my car in the driveway when they got home.

So no Boy, too afraid to play with a bunch of near strangers, and afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of said strangers since I haven’t played in a while.  Also, I’m not very good.  I know this, but I keep wanting to play anyway.  I must be a masochist.  I’m the only girl there, and some of the guys are nice and actually pass me the ball.  I’m just afraid without my friends there, I will be cast to the sidelines/ignored like on some school-yard pickup game.  ugh.

So instead of ball, I got a smoothie and ran/walked a couple miles when I got home.  I also have a slice of cheesecake waiting for me.

The one thing that did lift my spirits today was my friend let me drive his new Mustang convertible.  That was pretty awesome.  I want one 🙂

 

Sexual Validation – Part 1

My apologies to anyone who may find this offensive, but this post will be very personal and probably very graphic.  If you don’t want to read about sex, then move on.  Although given society I seriously doubt many will pass.  Sex is the last primitive urge that can drive someone to drastic measures.  Everyone is fascinated by sex.  From nuns to homemakers to the paperboy.  Even if they don’t admit it.  I’m fascinated by it, even though I’m terrified of it.

I’ve been avoiding this topic for most of my life, but I believe it’s at the root of my problems/social anxieties.  I think some background is in order.  I’m a virgin.  In the strictly physical sense.  As in I’ve never experienced penetration.  However, if penetration is not your definition of sex, then I lost my sexual innocence when I was 9.

Sad, I know.  Unfortunately, my experience is a far too common experience for young girls.

I was molested repeatedly for when I was 9-10 years old.  By my foster brother’s 16 year old best friend.  It started on a small scale.  The first time I remember him touching me was on the ride back from a ski trip, I was sleeping in the back of the van and I felt someone draw small circles along my side.  Then a hand reached up, quickly under my shirt to feel my training bra and quickly pulled away.  I didn’t react.  I’m not really sure why.  I must have thought I was dreaming and I didn’t want to make a scene.  So I fell back asleep.

The next time I remember him touching me was in a much more disturbing manner.  Since this friend lived a few towns over and couldn’t yet drive, he would stay overnight sometimes.  This is when the most damage occurred.  I woke up to him over me in the middle of the night, the covers gone.  He had pulled my shirt up and was sucking on my breasts (I was well developed for a 9 year old, I’m sure he must have thought I was 13 or 14).  He could fit the whole thing in his mouth.  I would just lay there, pretending to sleep and hope he would go away.  I was so confused the first time it happened.  Again I must have thought I was dreaming.  I know I should have yelled or pushed him off or REACTED in some way but I was frozen.  People always talk about the “fight or flight” response, but there’s another one: freeze.

Even though I didn’t reacted when it happened, I should have told my mother the next morning.  I was too scared to though.  I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me, and even if she did, I was afraid of the consequences.  My mother was already in the middle of a court battle with my father and I didn’t want to add any more stress to her.  I didn’t want people to know that I had been touched like that.  I felt like I was tainted, that whenever someone saw me that’s what they would think about me.  It’s not like he ever threatened me if I told.  He never said a word to me.

So I never told anyone about the first incident.  I should have, because he would visit me repeatedly in my bed, in the middle of the night.  I’m don’t know how it went on for so long without anyone finding out.  My mother slept in the next room for god’s sake.  hell, he even found a way to touch me when I slept in my mom’s bed.  The molestation got progressively worse from the first night.  He would still start by sucking my breasts (at least that’s when I woke up).  He then began removing my underwear and sucking down there too. He would shove his tongue down my throat and I would try to shrivel my tongue back as much as possible so it wouldn’t touch his.  I soon learned that those kinds of touches were not what he really wanted.  That he was just doing that so he could guilt me into getting what he wanted.  He put his dick up to my mouth and told me to “kiss it”. I tried turning my head but he just followed my mouth.  One I night I finally did “kiss it” but he was highly disappointed I didn’t take the whole thing in my mouth (what did he expect, I was 9).  He got tired of trying to shove his dick in my mouth and tried to go a different route.  He pushed it against my very small, very virgin vagina.  The first and only time I ever spoke to him was to say “it hurts”.  He responded with “no it doesn’t”.  That was the only time I felt truly scared and that he would hurt me if I fought him.  He never got in, but I will never forget him trying.

Now I was even more terrified to tell anyone, since I didn’t say anything after the first time, I felt like it was my fault that it kept going on.  That I had no right to claim rape since I didn’t the first time. And that I enjoyed it.

On a very physical level I did enjoy it.  I mean, the sensations he was giving me felt good and he never hurt me (except the one time mentioned above).  A more psychological aspect to this has alot to do with daddy issues.  My parents separated when I was 6 and my father never showed any love or affection towards me.  On some level I was actually happy to have the attention of a “man”.  I enjoyed this and the physical sensations so much that not only did I not fight him, but would willingly go along with the molestation.  I would choose to sit next to him in the back seat of the car so he could rub his hand over my pants when no one was looking.  I would rub my hands on his back when he was over me in bed.  I wanted a man’s approval.  I wanted him to feel good too, so he would keep touching me, keep paying attention to me.  I knew it was wrong of me to want that, and deep down that’s probably the reason I never told anyone at the time.  I didn’t want him telling them that I was “willing”.

My brother moved out a year later and so his friend had no reason to be at the house and the molestation stopped.  I’m not sure why he took a liking to me anyway.  I never told my mother.  She still has no idea and it would crush her if she found out this happened in her house.  The damage has been done and there’s no reason to hurt her as well.  I’ve only ever told one person in my life (my first and last boyfriend).  Until now, where I’m telling the entire internet.

So begins my adolescence and a hateful and fearful attitude towards sex.   In the next post…