Tag Archives: life

I am not important

Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything.  Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write.  I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move.  I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better.  Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.

Well, that’s the positive things lately.  My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again.  I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others.  I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life.  I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.

I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member.  I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day.  Turns out another friend helped her more.  I have no idea why or how.  I just saw the shoutout on facebook.  I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this.  J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.

Another example.  The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?)  I still have no idea what our relationship is.  There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant.  We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town.  But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before.  I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me.  Anything.  I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work.  I don’t understand why he bothers with me.  I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging.  I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info.  I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard

I deserve to be with someone, right?  Who loves me and wants to share their life with me?  Is that allowed for someone like me?

Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet.  I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone.  Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

Fighting myself

and I have no idea why.  It’s been going on for a while now and I can’t figure it out.  All I do is waste time, avoiding things that I should be doing or things that I want to do.  I spend far too much time at work on the internet.  It’s not like the work is hard or there’s a lot of pressure right now, I just don’t want to do it.  and I have 10 different things I could be doing and I just sit there and stare into space/the web.  I think about htings I could be doind at home.  But it’s not just work. Once I get home, I think of all the things I should have done at work, and again, I just sit in front of the computer, looking for things to do.  I have abundant free time and I could be working on awesome personal projects, but I just don’t want to.  I don’t get it.

I’m definitely running from something in head.  There’s something I can’t face, but I don’t know what it is.  Oddly enough, I hate myself when I waste time, which is why I don’t work on personal projects, since they lead nowhere.  But am I any better off right now?  Just refreshing facebook and wordpress and icanhascheeseburger?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven’t posted as much.  I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts.  Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words.  I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt.  I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again.  As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often.  I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it.  Maybe I just needed a break from everyone.  I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful.  I’m actually ok being away from everyone.  I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.

I had a strong bout of self doubt last night.  I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great.  then I start thinking about the details and I panic.  Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do.  I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people  and afriad of the teachers again.  I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed.  I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.

I’m losing focus again.  I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life.  I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run.  I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me.  But I don’t know if I’m management material either.  i don’t know what I am or really what I want.  I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried.  I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.  I hate regret.  I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.

I worry about the future too much.  I forget to live today.  Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.

A stalker in the making

So I’m a little creeped out by the new guy at work.  Everyone at my work is a little off in their personality in some way or another, but this guy has reached a new level of awkward towards me.  So I got stuck needing his help to set up for a demo, which should have taken 20 minutes, but I ended up stuck in the lab alone with him for 1.5 hours 😦  He’s very nice and pleasant, but he’s clearly very lonely and that somehow became my problem.  I get it, he’s stuck alone on the otherside of campus and his wife works nights, but I don’t see why I have to be the work friend.  I don’t have much reason to interact with him outside of meetings.  So when I was stuck int he lab he started talking all about geeky stuff, some of which I was interested in, most of it I was just trying to be polite and nice and act how I thought a normal socially correct human being would.

Well, that clearly backfired.  He mistook my politeness for genuine interest and is now constantly trying to find more ways to spend time with me.  Mostly by bringing in his homemade board games and trying to get me to play.  The day after that meeting he brought a backpack full of homemade games and walked all the way across campus to see if I wanted to play with him.   Every time he sees me he wants to know if I have time to play.  Before I knew how creepy this would turn out to be, I agreed, but got called away at the last minute (you know, for WORK related things, because I’m at WORK!).  He seemed very miffed by that, but oh well.  I tried to be vague and never made a another time with him, but he clearly did not get the message.

He stopped by my office (with the backpack again!) without any warning today.  I couldn’t give a good excuse as to why I couldn’t play so I ended up spending an hour playing.  It was fun and once the game started going he acted like a normal person, but as soon as I said I had to go back to work, he entered creep mode again.  Not even before the game was put away he said “That was fun we definitely need to do that more often” and “Mind if I walk back down to your office?  I don’t want to go back to mine yet”.  Ugh.  Then he goes into trying to setup the next time to play, but I seriously can’t give him a reliable time with the amount of work I have to do (And shouldn’t he be working too?).  He was very adament about getting the procedure down for trying to setup a time (email, stop by).  Again, vagueness went over his head.  If he would just chill the fuck out I wouldn’t mind so much, since that game was fun.  But seriously dude, back off.

This is what I get for being nice.

I guess it’s over…

So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him.  And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦

I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us.  I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.

I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok.  but now he’s essentially disappeared.

I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me.  I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype.  And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.

My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out.  I’ve moved past that reaction.  I thought I was his friend again.