Tag Archives: situations

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

Awkward Interactions

This week has not been a good one for me socially.  It seems like every interaction with someone is filled with misuderstanding or just bad vibes.  I’m sure it’s my problem or a self fuffilling prophecy, but it’s really put me on edge.  I’ve been having mini panic attacks whenever I have to interate with someone. Not even talk to them, just seeing them in the hallway makes we want to dive into the next room and pretend I’m a turtle.

alot of it has just been stupid stuff, like yesterday.  My boss called in a broken door lock and so a guy comes down soon after.  My boss left the room for some reason (I never know why), So I ask the guy “You here for the door?”  and I don’t know what he heard me say, but he said The one I just walked, through? I saw that.  Is <my boss> here, he’s expecting me.”  Wait, what? Usually they fixit guys don’t care who called it in, so I was preparing to explain about the door.  I txted my boss to let him know the door guys was here.  As you’ve probably figured out, that guy was not the door guy.   I was just left ina wave of confusiona nd just carried on about my day.

Anoth reason, the awkwardness is my problem, is I went to lunch with the Boy on Monday and I didn’t get the soup that comes with the meal.  i honestly don’t care, but I was just too terrified to assert myself. (The Boy got his soup, so I don’t understand why they thought it was normal for one person to not get soup, especially when asked, the person says “Yes, I want soup”.  whatever.

So the last awkward interaction was to day and really messed me up.  I had to interview someone and we interview in pairs.  I don’t really like interviewing, since I’m usually more nervous about what I’m saying/how I say it/ stumbling over my words.  well today was one of the worst examples of it.  The guy is still in college, so younger than me, but he barely acknowledged my existance.  He got along with the guy I was paired with.  The thing that really pissed me off was whenever I asked a question, he would respond to the the other guy.  WTF?  I’m right there.  On the times he managed to look in my direction he would make really short ye contact and then look at something 2 feet above my head.  i wanted to chock it up to nervousness or fear of women, but 2 women interviewed him next and didn’t see a problem.  It shouldn’t have bothered me that much, but I’ve been so down on myself lately, that someone who is looking for me to recommended him for  job couldn’t even give me basic human courtesy.

One more day of work and then I can check out for a while.  Only a 3 day week next week with the holiday, so hopefully I’ll be able tog et back into the right frame of mind.  this self doubt/loathing is getting old.

A stalker in the making

So I’m a little creeped out by the new guy at work.  Everyone at my work is a little off in their personality in some way or another, but this guy has reached a new level of awkward towards me.  So I got stuck needing his help to set up for a demo, which should have taken 20 minutes, but I ended up stuck in the lab alone with him for 1.5 hours 😦  He’s very nice and pleasant, but he’s clearly very lonely and that somehow became my problem.  I get it, he’s stuck alone on the otherside of campus and his wife works nights, but I don’t see why I have to be the work friend.  I don’t have much reason to interact with him outside of meetings.  So when I was stuck int he lab he started talking all about geeky stuff, some of which I was interested in, most of it I was just trying to be polite and nice and act how I thought a normal socially correct human being would.

Well, that clearly backfired.  He mistook my politeness for genuine interest and is now constantly trying to find more ways to spend time with me.  Mostly by bringing in his homemade board games and trying to get me to play.  The day after that meeting he brought a backpack full of homemade games and walked all the way across campus to see if I wanted to play with him.   Every time he sees me he wants to know if I have time to play.  Before I knew how creepy this would turn out to be, I agreed, but got called away at the last minute (you know, for WORK related things, because I’m at WORK!).  He seemed very miffed by that, but oh well.  I tried to be vague and never made a another time with him, but he clearly did not get the message.

He stopped by my office (with the backpack again!) without any warning today.  I couldn’t give a good excuse as to why I couldn’t play so I ended up spending an hour playing.  It was fun and once the game started going he acted like a normal person, but as soon as I said I had to go back to work, he entered creep mode again.  Not even before the game was put away he said “That was fun we definitely need to do that more often” and “Mind if I walk back down to your office?  I don’t want to go back to mine yet”.  Ugh.  Then he goes into trying to setup the next time to play, but I seriously can’t give him a reliable time with the amount of work I have to do (And shouldn’t he be working too?).  He was very adament about getting the procedure down for trying to setup a time (email, stop by).  Again, vagueness went over his head.  If he would just chill the fuck out I wouldn’t mind so much, since that game was fun.  But seriously dude, back off.

This is what I get for being nice.

What I sacrificed…

<begin emotionally charged rant>

My life may seem perfect to the outsider. I should be envied, looked up to, and respected. But what I have isn’t what I wanted. I fell into this. I came here out of necessity. Outside forces pushed my to make the decisions I did, to avoid the fights for what I wanted.

Let’s start with college. I picked the most practical major I could tolerlate. It was no coinicence that is was the same as yours. My own fault, I sought your approval of my life. Compuer science was not what I wanted, but I pick the career path that I wouldn’t need 8+ years of schooling for. I wanted to be astronomer since I was 7, but I would be useless in the real world until I got a phd. And even then career prospects are slim. I gave up on my dream to be practical. I finished college so fast I don’t remember it. 3 years, 2 degrees. I took too many classes and I suffered, my grades suffered, all in order to get out “early”. So I could save you money. I lived at home. To save you money. I did everything you wanted, even if you didn’t expicitely ask for it.

I tried to move out when I graduated.  I could afford it.  I had a good job, I would still be close by.  But no.  This guilt trips started.  “How can I keep up this house by myself?  You expect me to live in this big house by myself?”  You kept saying. So what am I supposed to do?  Live with you forever?  Seems like it. You can’t afford this house without me now, yet you refuse to sell it.  You keep saying you want to move to another state, but you never do.  And you won’t go without me anyway.  So I’m stuck here.  Forever.

Yes, my live is good.  It’s a good house in a safe area.  I can afford the things I want, but MY life is on hold.  As long as I’m here, as long as half my paycheck goes to this family, I can never have my own family.  I’m 26.  That gives me 4 years left before I  having genetically deficient kids.  Dating is next to impossible.  You never leave the house.  I can never be alone.  Dinner  together is an issue EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  I have to plan what I’m going days in advanced, and if I don’t tell you those plans as soon as I know them, you flip out.

Now I can afford to by my own house.  That last card in your hand.  But no, I can’t do that, since I’m supposed to be being a house to rent out to other people.  Thanks for asking what I want to do with MY money.  I don’t want to be a landlord.  yes, I get that real estate is good, and that you’ve done this before, but I remebered how stressed you were.  I don’t want tenants calling me at 3 am because their toliet broke.  I WANT MY OWN LIFE.

I can’t win this battle.  You won’t accept any reasons I have for living my own life, with my choices.  Every time I do something that I want and you disapprove of, you scream at me, but you refuse to accept that you’re screaming at me.  You don’t even know your own behavior.

90% of the time I’m ok with this situation.  But the rest of the time is heartbreaking for me.  I’m a rat trapped by your logic.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.

There goes my social life…

So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month.  I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?)  I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this.  She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living.  She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her)  So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school.  She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.

I glad she can get her life in order.  Really, I am.  But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her.  She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no.  I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother.  I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend.  I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself:  I am selfish. I am a terrible friend.  Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it.  I just bought her concert tickets for graduation.  I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.

She is my only friend.  I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking.  Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her).  I’m not sure what happens now.  It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.

I like consistency.  I like being able to plan.  I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life.  Too many variables.  I’ve known J since the 6th grade.

Life will be different.

Consistency is not my thing

I hadn’t realized it’s been so long since I posted.  I’ve kind of checked out for the past few weeks.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to interact really.  I’m glad february is over.  From my cat dying to  the week of food poisoning, it’s been a sucky month.

I’ve also been going thorugh my yearly “I’m bored with my life and I don’t know how to fix it without thinking of drastic measures” phase.  I want a new job even though the one I have is decent, pays well and I get a good amount of freedom.  Maybe too much.  I accomplushed almost nothing this month.  I spent a week in a daze just surfing the interent.  Then I was home for a week with food poisoning and today I just stayed home for no real reason.  Well, I thought it was going to snow storm, so the commute would have been awful/dangerous, but it ended up ok.  I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to work from home.  No one missed me.

I feel like a failure.  I’m 26 and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.  I just want to quit, move to a beach and work just enough hours to make rent and food.  I have no motivation anymore.  I remember when I was first out of college and I was so amped to be working, and making money and at least feeling appreciated at work.  I don’t get those feelings anymore.  I’m just dead on the inside.

I have no hobbies, and everytime I get an idea for supplemental income, I work on it for a couple days and then just forget about it.  I don’t have the people skills/social graces to start my own business, which is what I think I want to do.  At least then I’ll have responsibility for myself.  But i don’t know any business that doesn’t involve some type of customer.  You never really work for yourself.  Your woking for other people’s money.

I have no sense of pleasure anymore either.  I remember working hard and then being able to reward myself with surfing the interet or food or buying things.  Now I don’t get that high from the reward anymore.  I don’t know if I’ve overindulged myself, taking rewards when I haven’t earned them or I just don’t want the reward anymore.

I want to just chuck it all.