I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life. All the crazy is slipping out now. I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today. And not the crazy is putting my job at risk. I hate myself right now. I just want out. I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse. I wish I wasn’t so obsessive. Most of this wouldn’t have happened. I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets. wtf is wrong with me? It shouldn’t matter! who cares where I sit. I’m such a fucking lunatic. And I got sarcastic with a superior. It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it. I forgot who I was taking to :-(. And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday. I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far. I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again. I don’t know how to fix this.
I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me. My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with. I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc. So here are my new rules for life. I just hope I can follow them:
- Calm the fuck down. seriously.
- work == WORK! not other life things.
- Be quiet
- Be nice
- Be positive
- Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
- Stop trying to be funny. It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
- You don’t deserve anything.
I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it. I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it. But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.