Tag Archives: mother

Anxiety Attack

I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time.  I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things.  I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.

This is 100% psychologically stress induced.  Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes.  Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started.  It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough.  She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag.  Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it.  By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…

I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.  She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can.  I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me.  I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes.  She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”.  I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink.  I’m sure they made noise.

God, my chest is pounding again.  I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking.  I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me.  We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue.  We don’t communicate well.  she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things.  She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.

Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have.  Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good.  I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.

I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person.  I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting.  I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are  or just perceived negatively.

I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long.  If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean.  She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”

If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish.  She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time.  She doesn’t want me in grad school.

Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts.  I’m so tired and frustrated and weak.  I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I also started cutting again today.  It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain.  I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.

Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst.  Wonderful.  no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦

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No Control

I’m a slave to my family, and I can’t break it.  Everything they want, I cave to.  I don’t know why I’m so weak.  Why I must always keep my mother happy.  I should have left years ago.  As I get closer to closing on the house that I essentially bought for my brother to live in, I keep thinking “what if”.  It’s horrible and I’m in tears writing this and thinking about it.  Where my life would be, who I’d be with, who I would be.  I know it’s all just a fantasy, and I’m probably just looking at the optimal outcome, but it sucks.  I swear I’d have a better career, maybe even married by now.  At least I’d have the opportunity for a serious relationship.  I can’t do that when I can’t have anyone over, with privacy.  Not with her emailing or calling me when I’m out.  I let her walk all over me for fear of just getting yelled at.  I don’t know why she terrifies me so much.  NOw my life savings are tied to a house that I have to continually pay for and my brother lives in.  Today my mom was going on about how happy my brother will be.  “He gets his own house, where he’s incharge” . No shit.  For some reason he gets that, but I don’t.  I’m stuck here essentially as her husband.  I want my own life and now I’m trapped even more.

The tears don’t stop.  I don’t know a way out.  I’m so afraid I’m going to something very stupid to myself.  At least I don’t know where the razors are anymore.  Sometimes just thinking about cutting again makes me feel better.  I hope that will be enough. I can’t afford to get anymore scars.  I don’t have a cat to blame them on anymore.  I feel so powerless and foolish.

I can’t stand anyone right now

People have gotten to me.  Everyone.  I can’t stand strangers, my friends, my friends of friends, and my family.  Everyone acts in their own self interest, which I get. That’s needed for survival.  But in society, we can step beyond that.

I was worn down a week ago.  I spend the day with J, who I’m only realizing now can be high drama and selfish.  She’ll attach herself to the strongest personality in the room.  I think that’s why I like her one on one.  She can be focused, but when we reach her other friends, I’m dropped fairly quickly.  She’ll come back to talk to me when they drop her.  That day was exhausting.  We ended the night at a party for a scifi convention and I thought that would be a good time to meet new people (for some reason I was up for that).  No, her friends met with other friends and we were stuck in various edges of groups.  I don’t understand the point of parties.  Everyone there was just talking to their own people.

Next was my family.  Thanksgiving, which means stress.  I can’t tolerate holidays anymore.  The catering to other people, the expectations, the forced socialization.  It was just my grandparents, but my grandmother can be a handful.  She’ll hide things and watch us spend 20 minutes looking for it.  My grandfather is good, but we only talk about real estate.  I don’t have anything in common with my family.

And now the mother rant.  The one person who I thought I could trust and count on forever.  As with previous posts, I’ve mentioned her selfishness and neediness is becoming evident.  There are other words for her, but I don’t know what.  She guilts me into all sorts of behavior, and I cave quickly.  Ic an’t stay overnight anywhere without getting my head spun around.  I can’t even go visit a friend without X days notice (and she’ll forget anyway).  God forbid I have someone over the house without her making a huge deal about it.  She’ll complain about dirty rugs or she can’t do laundry while my friend’s here.  So many excuses.   Now she’s accusing me of not “contributing to the household”.  Seriously?  I spend thousands of dollars a month, plus my time.  Don’t accuse me of being a jobless deadbeat child living off you.  I buy everything you could want or need.  It’s not my fault you spend $5000 for a car that sits in the driveway to rot (she has another car).  Now it’s up to me to cover the other expenses?  She doesn’t care about my life at all.  She wants me home, and writing checks to her.  I’ll gladly pay whatever utilities need to be covered, but don’t expect me to just write you a check.

Ugh.  She even successfully bullied me into buying a house.  I should have said no years ago.  My brother will rent it from me, but it won’t cover all the costs, so I have to pay for that as well.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I am so weak, and I can’t escape.  I just feel trapped.

Blah

Sorry for not posting.  I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better.   I haven’t sleep much this week.  Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is.  I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for.  Like independence from my family.  I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out.  Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age.  She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me.  I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want.  I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do.  They don’t even ask.  I’m sick of doing what I’m told.  I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly.  I just want to do what I want.  Why am I not allowed?  oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am.  That’s why I don’t do what I want.  I’m terrified of her.  I need to stop.

Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house.  Seriously, this is how she thinks.  Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ).  I mentioned  buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you).  I don’t know how to argue with her.

And I feel so guilty if I do leave.  She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years.  She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here.  I hate feeling so trapped.

And now I’m crying again.  Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time.  Ugh.

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

What I sacrificed…

<begin emotionally charged rant>

My life may seem perfect to the outsider. I should be envied, looked up to, and respected. But what I have isn’t what I wanted. I fell into this. I came here out of necessity. Outside forces pushed my to make the decisions I did, to avoid the fights for what I wanted.

Let’s start with college. I picked the most practical major I could tolerlate. It was no coinicence that is was the same as yours. My own fault, I sought your approval of my life. Compuer science was not what I wanted, but I pick the career path that I wouldn’t need 8+ years of schooling for. I wanted to be astronomer since I was 7, but I would be useless in the real world until I got a phd. And even then career prospects are slim. I gave up on my dream to be practical. I finished college so fast I don’t remember it. 3 years, 2 degrees. I took too many classes and I suffered, my grades suffered, all in order to get out “early”. So I could save you money. I lived at home. To save you money. I did everything you wanted, even if you didn’t expicitely ask for it.

I tried to move out when I graduated.  I could afford it.  I had a good job, I would still be close by.  But no.  This guilt trips started.  “How can I keep up this house by myself?  You expect me to live in this big house by myself?”  You kept saying. So what am I supposed to do?  Live with you forever?  Seems like it. You can’t afford this house without me now, yet you refuse to sell it.  You keep saying you want to move to another state, but you never do.  And you won’t go without me anyway.  So I’m stuck here.  Forever.

Yes, my live is good.  It’s a good house in a safe area.  I can afford the things I want, but MY life is on hold.  As long as I’m here, as long as half my paycheck goes to this family, I can never have my own family.  I’m 26.  That gives me 4 years left before I  having genetically deficient kids.  Dating is next to impossible.  You never leave the house.  I can never be alone.  Dinner  together is an issue EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  I have to plan what I’m going days in advanced, and if I don’t tell you those plans as soon as I know them, you flip out.

Now I can afford to by my own house.  That last card in your hand.  But no, I can’t do that, since I’m supposed to be being a house to rent out to other people.  Thanks for asking what I want to do with MY money.  I don’t want to be a landlord.  yes, I get that real estate is good, and that you’ve done this before, but I remebered how stressed you were.  I don’t want tenants calling me at 3 am because their toliet broke.  I WANT MY OWN LIFE.

I can’t win this battle.  You won’t accept any reasons I have for living my own life, with my choices.  Every time I do something that I want and you disapprove of, you scream at me, but you refuse to accept that you’re screaming at me.  You don’t even know your own behavior.

90% of the time I’m ok with this situation.  But the rest of the time is heartbreaking for me.  I’m a rat trapped by your logic.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.