Tag Archives: ball

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

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Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man :-/

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.

Social Anxiety Strikes Again

Well, it’s Thursday.  The day my SA usually kicks in.  I had the bright idea last night to try to return to pickup ball after taking the summer off for softball.  Naturally, I bailed at the last minute.  I know it will be easier  once I start going on a regular basis, but today was little tougher to get going.  The Boy wasn’t going to be there, which is usually my main reason for going.  It’s also easier since I tend to use him a social crutch, staying near him when there are alot of people around.  I should have known last night he wasn’t going to be there since he emailed me and didn’t ask if I was going (he always asks).  stupid me didn’t realize this until after I told the household I would be home late.  Boy, we’re they surprised when they found my car in the driveway when they got home.

So no Boy, too afraid to play with a bunch of near strangers, and afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of said strangers since I haven’t played in a while.  Also, I’m not very good.  I know this, but I keep wanting to play anyway.  I must be a masochist.  I’m the only girl there, and some of the guys are nice and actually pass me the ball.  I’m just afraid without my friends there, I will be cast to the sidelines/ignored like on some school-yard pickup game.  ugh.

So instead of ball, I got a smoothie and ran/walked a couple miles when I got home.  I also have a slice of cheesecake waiting for me.

The one thing that did lift my spirits today was my friend let me drive his new Mustang convertible.  That was pretty awesome.  I want one 🙂

 

Still here…

Sorry for not posting more than once a week.  When I first started this blog, I had a rampant stream of thoughts in my head I needed to get out.  I’ve been feeling complacent/almost content lately, so the chaotic monkeys in the brain have settled down.  I also spent last week organizing my room, which gives me a sense of calm.  I’m greatly affected by the environment I’m in.  Now that things are (mostly) orderly and I removed alot of things I don’t use, my mind is at ease.

I cleaned out my closet of everything I’m too fat to fit in.  I can now see all the clothes I have and I no longer have the depressing thought of “I’ll fit into these eventually”.  I know that’s supposed to be a good motivator for weight loss, but it’s been years and I’m still 20+ lbs over where I was in college.  One thing I don’t like about my job is the sitting.  I went from walking miles a day in college to just walking to the car.  I always think I’ll find balance eventually, mostly when I move out on my own, and I’m not forced to eat dinner I didn’t make every night.  I’m tired of the structure I’m tired of the structure I’m living in.  My life is not my own.  family is improtant to me, and deep down I am terrified to leave them, but I know it’s best for my mentality that I do.  I don’t need to go far, but it will still be a huge change.  I don’t react well to huge changes.

Well, that’s the stream of consciousness for today.  Ball with The Boy tomorrow hopefully.

One mini panic attack down, a zillion more to go

I can’t say I’ve had a full on panic attack in years, but I do experience the mini attacks much more often. This goes beyond the anxiety and hesitation I feel when I leave my office. I still get pressure in my chest, my mind starts racing in a thousand different direction, and I have the incredible urge to flee.

The most recent attack was Thursday, during pickup ball. I tend to get stressed out anyway since I don’t most of the players anymore. I typically only go when I know The Boy will be there. Sadly this time, there we so many people that I don’t get to play with or against him. Just with a bunch of show off jerks who don’t know me and aren’t all that thrilled with a “girl” on the floor (I’m the only girl who ever shows up. I don’t mind that part at all. Just when I get to play on a team with people who know me, the experience is alot more enjoyable). There was one guy who I’d never seen before and he decided to “coach” the team while we were playing. It’s goddamn pickup, just shut up an play. I didn’t take to kindly to him yelling at me during the middle of the game. I wanted to just take off as soon as the game was over, but I waited around for The Boy to finish his game. I didn’t want to take off on him without saying anything. I’ve done it a couple times before when the stress got too much, and he was always concerned. Plus he’s leaving the country for a while for work and I wasn’t sure I would see him before he goes.

Anyway, as much as I wanted to leave, we sat for a while afterwards.  sadly my panic attack was in full swing and I couldn’t really hold down a coherent conversation.  I just kept fighting the feeling of fleeing.  I told him I felt “spazzy”, which was most generic/ambiguous way to describe how I was feeling.  I didn’t want to call it a panic attack.  I was afraid I’d freak him out.  I should have just went home.  But that would have required an even bigger explanation.  He did email me to ask if I was feeling better that night.  I feel guilty not fully explaining myself.