Tag Archives: boyfriend

I don’t know why I keep trying

Just a quick update.  I had a “date” with The Boy tonight.  I asked him to lunch, he countered with dinner.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.  We didn’t have much to talk about.  Alot of just silence.  He left at 8:30.  I think he’s finally bored with me, but he keeps trying.  Maybe I was just too tired and shouldn’t have even asked him to dinner, but I missed him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have shown him my new addition to my HP collection.  He seemed interested, but he’s so polite I never know what he’s really thinking.  This sucks.

 

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

Always tired, lost in my own head

I can’t seem to get out of this funk.  I’m just so lethargic and stressed out at the same time.  I can’t remember anything people tell me.  I have a 1000 thoughts racing through my mind per minute.  I just feel like I’ll never be able to get where I need to be.  Even writing this I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to explain what I’m feeling.  I  have no focus.  I’m stressed out about work (since I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it).  My mom and I have been fighting.  The Boy and I aren’t getting along anymore.  He took me out for a week late birthday dinner, but things just didn’t seem right.  I’ve only gotten 1 email from him since.

I know the problem is me, but I can’t get myself to be better.  I hate who I am right now.  I want to be a better daughter, a better friend and a better worker, but I can’t get a grasp on anything.  I’m floating along in a bubble.  I can’t connect to anyone or anything.  I try to distract myself with television and exercise, but every thought is still there.  The moments when I can get away from my mind, I come back terrified of even more things: dying, knowing sometime in my life I’ll have to live on after my mother dies, of being alone, of everyone looking down on me, of finally moving out, of finally buying a house and it’s not what I wanted it to be.

I have to live in the moment, but the current moments just seem to suck.  At least I don’t feel like cutting again.

I apologize for the gibberish.  I can’t even get my own pain out without screwing it up.

The Ex

I talked to the ex yesterday, as part of our semi-annual catch phone call (semi annual since it’s typically my birthday and his birthday as the catalyst for conversation).  It went…really well.  I was a bit surprised actually.  No crying after the call, no pangs of withdrawal and no crushing feeling  that I won’t ever talk to him again.  I never thought I’d be able to say this, but I can really be friends with him, and it can work.  I’ll always have a special place for him since he was the first guy to ever really care about me. He showed me physical intimacy can be a positive experience (even if I fought him at the time).  He’s had such strong influence on me.  Talking to him again has given me that push I needed to do something about my life.  It’ll still be baby steps, but at least I won’t be stewing in my own depressing thoughts for a while.  I hate that I need an external push to get my life going.  I’m still so unsure of myself and what I want, but he did give me good advice (as usual).  Our conversations always turn philosophical and i love that.  He’s the only person I can have that kind of conversation with.  We’re eerily similar and I’ve never been as open with anyone as I am with him (even now, 4 years after breaking up).

I told him how I blog about my problems, and how it’s helped to just get my thoughts out of my head.  He wants to see this site, but I’m (naturally) a little hesitant.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t share with him, but most of these posts are written during extreme emotional upheavals for me, and I may not necessarily feel the same way anymore.  I’ve also mentioned him in previous posts.  I’m not sure how he’d react to that, and since he’d be reading this on his own, we couldn’t actively discuss anything.  I don’t want him to have the wrong impression.

I’m also afraid that I would start censoring myself if someone I knew was reading it.  This blog mostly helps because I can let every thought out with fear of judgment or offending anyone.

So i don’t know if I’ll show him this.  Maybe in a few years and I can distance myself from who I am now.

 

Feeling Alone

So there’s not much point to this except to say I’m still here.  The last two weeks have been tainted by an awful round of depression and feeling completely worthless.  I felt like I couldn’t interact with anyone on a normal level.  I questioned every thing I said and did, knowing that in someway I had offended someone, wasted their time or caused them to think less of me.  I have this wall surrounding me, preventing me from connecting with anyone.  I know it’s stupid, but I want to get along with everyone.  I don’t want to give them a reason to hate me.  If someone is upset, I always feel like I’m making it worse by being there.  even if it’s not my fault.

I’ve also been feeling ridiculously lonely lately.  I only have one friend left from high school and I think she is sick of me.  We don’t take often and lately it seems like we have less and less in common.  I’m sure part of that is she used to look up to me.  Her life was kinds messed up and school was tough for her and I would help her out.  Now, she’s got her life in order, she;s out of her parent’s house and going for her phd.  I’m still in my mother’s basement, I finished my masters years ago and my life is stable but boring.  I’m not where I want to be.  I think when I talk to J, I just end up talking about problems and not being very fun.  Mostly i dont know what to say to her anymore.  I’d like to spend more time with her on a regular basis, but that never happens.  Its just too difficult.  She somehow always has time to be with her sisters or roommates or friends who live 20 miles away.  I just think she doesn’t want to be with me with.  The last time I was with her, she said she;d let me know the next time shell have a bunch of people over.  I took that to mean “i dont like spending time with you one on one, but if there’s a bunch of people around you can hang out”.

So I’m not sure what to do about J.  Also I’ve been lonely since my cousin, who initiated getting together, completely ignore my response email.  That’s not like her.  A month later, she writes back, without much of an explanation.  We’re not close from an objective standpoint, but in my life she’s my second closest friend (besides J).  and we don’t have much in common either.  We’ve just known each other since we were 2 and she is very social.  A little to hyper for me which is why I don’t choose to spend so much time with her, but I could and maybe I need to try harder.  It just drains my energy when I’m around here for too long.

Also, The Boy and I aren’t talking a whole lot.  The past month I’ve seen him 3 times.  This was to watch a 3 hour football game and then he had to leave for his bball game immediately afterward.  I obviously am obviously cherished and respected by this man :-/

I’ve just been feeling neglected.  This triggers my social anxiety with everyone and I just stay in my basement from the time I get home until I have to go to work in the morning.

…Followed by Depression

So, social anxiety last week = depression for the rest of this week :-(.  I can barely move.  I can’t focus.  I know the look on my face must be horrendous.  It takes all my will power to have a conversation with someone at work.  Not to mention I completely blew off the Boy over the weekend.  What the hell was I thinking?  He’s always been so nice to me (minus the not telling me things part).  Now I may have screwed this up completely.  I don’t know how long he’ll stick around with these seeming random bouts of ignoring him and grumpiness.

Oh, yeah, I also feel completely dead inside.  I almost don’t care if the Boy walks away.  He’d be better off with someone more emotionally stable anyway.  I just know once I’m out of this funk I’ll pine incessantly after him.  Or the Ex. My birthday is coming up so I expect our annual facebook message exchange.  That should be fun </sarcasm>.

When can I start my life?

Social Anxiety Strikes Again

Well, it’s Thursday.  The day my SA usually kicks in.  I had the bright idea last night to try to return to pickup ball after taking the summer off for softball.  Naturally, I bailed at the last minute.  I know it will be easier  once I start going on a regular basis, but today was little tougher to get going.  The Boy wasn’t going to be there, which is usually my main reason for going.  It’s also easier since I tend to use him a social crutch, staying near him when there are alot of people around.  I should have known last night he wasn’t going to be there since he emailed me and didn’t ask if I was going (he always asks).  stupid me didn’t realize this until after I told the household I would be home late.  Boy, we’re they surprised when they found my car in the driveway when they got home.

So no Boy, too afraid to play with a bunch of near strangers, and afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of said strangers since I haven’t played in a while.  Also, I’m not very good.  I know this, but I keep wanting to play anyway.  I must be a masochist.  I’m the only girl there, and some of the guys are nice and actually pass me the ball.  I’m just afraid without my friends there, I will be cast to the sidelines/ignored like on some school-yard pickup game.  ugh.

So instead of ball, I got a smoothie and ran/walked a couple miles when I got home.  I also have a slice of cheesecake waiting for me.

The one thing that did lift my spirits today was my friend let me drive his new Mustang convertible.  That was pretty awesome.  I want one 🙂