The Boy update:
So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore. I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball. We got along fine then. I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other. Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now. I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts. I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style. I tried, actually, and that backfired. Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?” The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”. occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path. So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends. I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question. I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions. I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday. I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off. I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him. If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place? I don’t get it. All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to). We don’t even go out anymore. I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).
I guess I’ve finally had enough. I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship. I want a real one. I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on. I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense. I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not. Maybe I’m expecting too much.
I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid. I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it. And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site. They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.
Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal. Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.) I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, depression, life, relationship, relationships, sex, stress, update, virgin, virginity
Tagged alone, analysis, anxiety, ball, boyfriend, dating, decisions, depression, failure, fear, friend, friendship, frustrated, jealousy, learning, life, okcupid, reflection, relationships, risk, situations, stress, thoughts, tired, trust, update
I talked to the ex yesterday, as part of our semi-annual catch phone call (semi annual since it’s typically my birthday and his birthday as the catalyst for conversation). It went…really well. I was a bit surprised actually. No crying after the call, no pangs of withdrawal and no crushing feeling that I won’t ever talk to him again. I never thought I’d be able to say this, but I can really be friends with him, and it can work. I’ll always have a special place for him since he was the first guy to ever really care about me. He showed me physical intimacy can be a positive experience (even if I fought him at the time). He’s had such strong influence on me. Talking to him again has given me that push I needed to do something about my life. It’ll still be baby steps, but at least I won’t be stewing in my own depressing thoughts for a while. I hate that I need an external push to get my life going. I’m still so unsure of myself and what I want, but he did give me good advice (as usual). Our conversations always turn philosophical and i love that. He’s the only person I can have that kind of conversation with. We’re eerily similar and I’ve never been as open with anyone as I am with him (even now, 4 years after breaking up).
I told him how I blog about my problems, and how it’s helped to just get my thoughts out of my head. He wants to see this site, but I’m (naturally) a little hesitant. There isn’t much I wouldn’t share with him, but most of these posts are written during extreme emotional upheavals for me, and I may not necessarily feel the same way anymore. I’ve also mentioned him in previous posts. I’m not sure how he’d react to that, and since he’d be reading this on his own, we couldn’t actively discuss anything. I don’t want him to have the wrong impression.
I’m also afraid that I would start censoring myself if someone I knew was reading it. This blog mostly helps because I can let every thought out with fear of judgment or offending anyone.
So i don’t know if I’ll show him this. Maybe in a few years and I can distance myself from who I am now.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, update
Tagged analysis, birthday, boyfriend, dating, friend, friendship, learning, life, reflection, relationships, the ex, therapy, thoughts, update