Sorry for not posting. I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better. I haven’t sleep much this week. Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is. I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for. Like independence from my family. I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out. Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age. She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me. I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want. I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do. They don’t even ask. I’m sick of doing what I’m told. I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly. I just want to do what I want. Why am I not allowed? oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am. That’s why I don’t do what I want. I’m terrified of her. I need to stop.
Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house. Seriously, this is how she thinks. Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ). I mentioned buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you). I don’t know how to argue with her.
And I feel so guilty if I do leave. She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years. She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here. I hate feeling so trapped.
And now I’m crying again. Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time. Ugh.
Posted in depression, inner thoughts, life, relationships, stress, train of thought, update
Tagged failure, fear, hell, mother, not an adult, pathetic, weak
So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him. And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦
I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us. I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.
I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok. but now he’s essentially disappeared.
I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me. I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype. And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.
My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out. I’ve moved past that reaction. I thought I was his friend again.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, ex, friend, friendship, frustrated, life, relationships, stress, thoughts
Really. My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.
So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight. why? Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time. Ugh. The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before. Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME. She wants to open the pool. I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend. I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party. I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago. And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him. I don’t even have official plans with the Boy. I just told her that based on past exepriences. I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday. What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later? ok.” There is never a good time >.<
Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her. Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite? Great.
The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here. His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool. I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend. “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here? I don’t have any money. You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping. I just I was just “supposed” to know)
Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet. She doesn’t even cook for me. If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks. She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.
Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout. I’m not your husband Mom. I am not married to you. I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now. God forbid I try.
Posted in anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, train of thought, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, bitch, bitching, depression, family, frustrated, life, mother, relationships, situations, stress, thoughts, trapped, update, yelling