Category Archives: update

Blah

Sorry for not posting.  I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better.   I haven’t sleep much this week.  Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is.  I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for.  Like independence from my family.  I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out.  Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age.  She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me.  I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want.  I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do.  They don’t even ask.  I’m sick of doing what I’m told.  I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly.  I just want to do what I want.  Why am I not allowed?  oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am.  That’s why I don’t do what I want.  I’m terrified of her.  I need to stop.

Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house.  Seriously, this is how she thinks.  Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ).  I mentioned  buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you).  I don’t know how to argue with her.

And I feel so guilty if I do leave.  She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years.  She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here.  I hate feeling so trapped.

And now I’m crying again.  Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time.  Ugh.

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I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven’t posted as much.  I’ve had thoughts, but they’re half thoughts.  Stuff I want to get out but I just can’t put into words.  I’ll go through phases of anger and loneliness and alot of self doubt.  I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing ok lately, that things are going well, but then something in my head just snaps and I’m fearful again.  As I’ve mentioned before my clostes friend moved away, and the Boy and I are ok, but don’t see each other often.  I’ve just been dealing with alot of isolation and loneliness, but I’m starting to think I prefer it.  Maybe I just needed a break from everyone.  I’ve 10 days away fromwork and not having to think about my job or coworkers or what they expect from me has been wonderful.  I’m actually ok being away from everyone.  I feel almost peaceful and I dread going back to the 10 hour + commuting work days and bouncing between too much work and trying to look busy.

I had a strong bout of self doubt last night.  I’m been trying to psych myself up to go to night school, and since May I’ve been thinking it would be great.  then I start thinking about the details and I panic.  Im afraid I won’t be committed enought, or my interest will wain like it always does in everything I do.  I’m afraid of the commute, of being in a not so great city at night, of dealing with new people  and afriad of the teachers again.  I was so shy in college that I never spoke to anyone and didn’t make the connections I needed.  I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap again.

I’m losing focus again.  I’m at a point in my life where the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life.  I could just stay where I am, doing what I do, but I don’t think that will work in teh long run.  I don’t want to be doing the same job, taking orders from people younger than me.  But I don’t know if I’m management material either.  i don’t know what I am or really what I want.  I just feel like I have to do something, even if it’s to say I tried.  I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.  I hate regret.  I am terrified of failure, but I hate not trying.

I worry about the future too much.  I forget to live today.  Sometimes I just want to freeze the minute and live it forever.

I guess it’s over…

So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him.  And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦

I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us.  I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.

I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok.  but now he’s essentially disappeared.

I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me.  I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype.  And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.

My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out.  I’ve moved past that reaction.  I thought I was his friend again.

It hurts more to hold back the tears

Really.  My eyes feel like they’re going to explode.

So my mother decided to have a little flipout on me tonight.  why?  Because I wanted to have a social life this weekend and did not tell her far enough ahead of time.  Ugh.  The weekend is two days away and I normally don’t tell her my plans (if I have any) until the day before.  Usually it’s not a problem, but apparently she had plans for me this weekend and neglected to TELL ME.  She wants to open the pool.  I don’t understand why it needs to be done now, and why it’s ok for her to assume I’ll be around and not tell me this is what I’m supposed to be doing this weekend.  I guess I was supposed to tell her a month ago I got invited to my friends graduation party.  I was supposed to tell her I was going to a concert when I bought the tickets two months ago.  And somewhere I was supposed to tell it it’s the Boy’s birthday and I might be spending it with him.  I don’t even have official plans with the Boy.  I just told her that based on past exepriences.  I don’t tell her too far ahead of time because 1) she forgets, and 2) she is constantly stressed out about something and there is never a good segue for me bring it up.
“Oh you’re telling me about the shitty people you work with, ok I’m going to a party 3 weeks from saturday.  What? you don’t want to hear about it right now, tell you later?  ok.” There is never a good time >.<

Apparently I was supposed to know we were opening the pool because it’s memorial day weekend and “That’s when everybody opens it” according to her.  Really mom? I’m supposed to block out an entire weekend based on what the general population is doing, while you have lived your whole life trying to do the opposite?  Great.

The real reason I’m pissed is that my brother is the Golden Boy around here.  His plans change by the minute and he always seems to disappear the weekend we open the pool.  I give what I thought was ample notice and it’s considered a personal attack on my mother, because she decided to get all the pool supplies today and normal groceries for the weekend.  “Why did I waste all this money if you’re not going to be here?  I don’t have any money.  You could have told me me before I went shopping!” (I didn’t know she was going shopping.  I just I was just “supposed” to know)

Yep, because Im going to be with my friends for one afternoon and one evening in a 4 day span, I’m the evil bitch that walked the planet.  She doesn’t even cook for me.  If my brother is out we eat take out or snacks.  She’ll bitch about him never letting us know if he’s around for dinner until the last minute, but she never flips out like she does with me.

Anytime I try to do something with someone besides her I get the cold shoulder or a flipout.  I’m not your husband Mom.  I am not married to you.  I’m 26 and supposed to be living a life by now.  God forbid I try.

Should I go back to grad school?

This question has been at the forefront of my mind the past few weeks.  It’s something that I have thought about since I was in college, but I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of time before I have to make a decision.  It is a 4-8 year commitment, depending on how I do it.  So I’d be in my early to mid thirties when I graduate if I start now.  The reason I’m even debating is that it would change the employlment opportunties I would have.  I already have a masters and I could theortically get most jobs in my field, so I don’t really need it.  The problem is the work I want to do would lend itself to me getting a phd.  I’m just afraid that I will be stuck doing the things I do now at work.  I have almost no way of moving up the ladder at my current job without getting a phd.  But my responisbilies would change dramatically (more management as opposed to doing what the current phds say).

I’m arguing with myself over a number of decisions related to this, so I want to flush them out, one by one.  I’ve been trying to manage all this in my head and I’ve reached the point where I’m just going in circles and I want to just chuck everything out the window.

First Decision:  Do I try to get my phd?
NO: My masters gives me ample opportunity to work in corporate/product development, and I could be a leader if I tried, but I’m not confident enough in myself.  I’m trying to step up more at work, but there are alot of bright people there and I HATE smoozing, like some people to get ahead.  I haven’t figured out how to get the attention of my bosses.  My job is almost secondary compared to what we actually do.  I’m like the support staff for the projects we work on.  To be a real project lead, I should have majored in a related field.
I’m not sure I have the personality to be a successful phd.  It requires a level of confidence and creativietly that I don’t think I have.  I’ve spent my life doing what others have told me to do.  I have no experience being an actual leader.

YES: I can get promoted at my current job, although I may not be a good fit there.  I can get a job elsewhere, and with the phd, I would be more employable in what I want to do: research.  I’ve definitely decided that I don’t want to be in the purely corporate world.  I hate the stress, the mind numbing admin tasks and lack of control.  I’ll gladly work in the R&D department of the same company.  I don’t want to be a code monkey.

So assuming I said yes, to the phd (and if I have to debate this, maybe I should be saying no), there are a number of other questions that come up:

Do I use my current employer’s grad school plan or do it on my own?
Employer Pays: This would therotically be awesome.  I get 4 years off of work and they pay tutition and most of my salary.  But, it’s incrediablly competative and it’s unlikely I would get approval.  Given conversations with my boss, I doubt he’ll be supportive.  He’s alreadly expecting leadership type things from me and I haven’t quite delivered on them.  Until I actually prove I should be promoted, I don’t think he’ll give me the funding to get my phd, since I’ll pretty much have to be, once I have it.  Also, I’d have to prove the phd is in a field that would be useful to my employer.  The problem is my research interests do not really coincide with what they do.  It would be a tough sell.

I Pay:  I’d have to do some of the phd part time at least, since I still need a decent income, but I may have to quit my job once the thesis work picks up.  That terrifies me.  I like the steady source of income, and if I throw that away, I may be making a huge mistake.  On the other hand, this is the only job I’ve had after college.  Few people my age stay with the same empoyer for their entire career.  I have to take a risk at some point in my life.

So assuming I pay, then my options about where and what I study open greatly, along with the questions:

Do I stay in my location, or got to a university where the research is what I like (regardless of location)?:

Go anywhere:  I’ll get to do the research I want! Assuming I even get accepted.  I’ve never left home.  I lived at home while I went for my BA/MA. Hell I still live at home.  I don’t know how my family (read:mother) will handle me just picking up and moving.  She isn’t supportive of me getting my phd (she doesn’t think I need it for my field, and she’s sort of right).  Other than her I have no reason to stick around, but I can’t say I will want to live where the research is.  I can’t focus on just the research.  I need to worry about the rest of my life while I’m there.  complete isolation from everyone I know will be a tough adjustment.

Stay Local:  Some of the best schools in the nation are where I live.  And it would be great to go to one of them, but my odds are acceptance are low, at least in my head.  My grades were good, not great, and I don’t have the 3 recommendations I need to apply.  However I did find two programs that have concentrations in what I want, and I could start part time with the coursework.

So I’m leaning towards staying local, if only for practicality reasons.  The two schools I found offer certificates that I can do after work, and can be applied to my phd coursework if I get accepted.  Even if I don’t apply to those schools, at least I’ll have more experience and maybe a few more recommendations if I do well.

Next question:  which school do I go to?

One private, one state.  I was accepted to the state school as an undergrad and was given the highest scholarship they offer, so I have few concerns about applying.  The private school rejected me as an undergrad, but I belive it was because I tried to transfer, and they typically don’t take transfers.
The issue with the local schools is the research.  They each have very small groups that focus in the area I want, but the work being done doesn’t really appeal to me.  I like the private school’s classes (at least the syllabus looks good).  I couldn’t get detailed info on the public school’s class content.  The phd candidate qualifiers are much easier at the public school and I would have all but 2 classes completed after the certificate.  I would be able to start on research right away, and I would be able to graduate fairly quickly.  The research is really what is stopping me.  It’s mostly robotics, which is tangential to what I want.  I think it’s cool, but I’m afraid my thesis will dictate what jobs I would be eligible for.  That may be a gross oversimplification, but it’s still a concern.  Therotically, I should be able to do most CS things.
The private school doesn’t have much (interesting to me) research, but it seems much more organized.  The private school has a better reputation than the public one.

So this is mostly where I’m at: doing it on my own/stay local/do the certificate part time/local school.

I keep osillating between the two schools and my head starts to spin trying to compare the two.  Then I keep going back up the decision tree and trying out other, less practical/feasible scenarios.  I should probably take a few days/a week off from thinking about it.  I sometimes forget the big picture of why I want to do it.