Tag Archives: tired

Walking the Tightrope

I can’t believe it’s been two months since my last post.  February just disappeared on me.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I’ve been busy.  My initial plans to start taking night courses at the local college fell through due to gross incompetence.  On the plus side, I applied to and was accepted to take one class at a very prestigious university.  It’s incredibly time consuming and starting to affect my job.  Mostly because the class is int he middle of the day and I have to leave work before lunch, drive to the school and then drive home to work for the rest of the night.  I really don’t get much work done as I am just exhausted from all the people interactions and context switching. I’m living in 3 different worlds now (home, work, school), and the stress is finally getting to me.  The first week of this schedule was horrible, and I nearly quit, but thinking about all the people who helped me get in was enough to shame myself into continuing, even if I flunked.  After a while, I got used to it, and was excited by it.  But now I’m just constantly exhausted, and my grades are suffering, which is sending down the spiral of self hate.  I’m hanging on for now, but the tightrope is getting thinner and thinner and any light breeze (read: failure), will send me tumbling town.

Not only am I stressed about just one class, but I feel as though I’m wasting an opportunity.  People would kill to be in a class taught by these professors, and I have no idea how to interact with them.  I would love to someday be one of their grad students, and this would be the perfect forum to introduce myself.  I just can’t find a reason to do it.  I feel like I’d be wasting their time, or I would just show them how stupid I am, and thus ruining my chances of working with them.

Plus I still need someone to write a recommendation for me for grad school next year.  The plan was spend a year with the same professor at the local college, and get a semi-decent recommendation.  Now I’m in a class of 250 overly ambitious people and I don’t know how to stand out.

So far, all I’ve learned this semester is ambition = stress.

I waver between giving everything I have or just saying “fuck it” and go hide in a hole.  I hate screwing up.

The really sad thing is I like it at this fancy school, so I’m going to be even more heartbroken when I don’t get in for full time.

I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to survive there.  A year ago, I would have said no, but after being here, I feel like I belong.  I may just be overestimating my abilities.

I’m failing at work, as I don’t understand the assignments anymore.  It’s just stuff I don’t want to do.  I’m a code monkey for a lower ranked co worker and it makes me feel like shit.  I’m hanging on for grad school, but if that falls apart, I’m going elsewhere.  8 years in the same (and only) place, is just too long.

And the tightrope gets thinner…

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I can’t stand anyone right now

People have gotten to me.  Everyone.  I can’t stand strangers, my friends, my friends of friends, and my family.  Everyone acts in their own self interest, which I get. That’s needed for survival.  But in society, we can step beyond that.

I was worn down a week ago.  I spend the day with J, who I’m only realizing now can be high drama and selfish.  She’ll attach herself to the strongest personality in the room.  I think that’s why I like her one on one.  She can be focused, but when we reach her other friends, I’m dropped fairly quickly.  She’ll come back to talk to me when they drop her.  That day was exhausting.  We ended the night at a party for a scifi convention and I thought that would be a good time to meet new people (for some reason I was up for that).  No, her friends met with other friends and we were stuck in various edges of groups.  I don’t understand the point of parties.  Everyone there was just talking to their own people.

Next was my family.  Thanksgiving, which means stress.  I can’t tolerate holidays anymore.  The catering to other people, the expectations, the forced socialization.  It was just my grandparents, but my grandmother can be a handful.  She’ll hide things and watch us spend 20 minutes looking for it.  My grandfather is good, but we only talk about real estate.  I don’t have anything in common with my family.

And now the mother rant.  The one person who I thought I could trust and count on forever.  As with previous posts, I’ve mentioned her selfishness and neediness is becoming evident.  There are other words for her, but I don’t know what.  She guilts me into all sorts of behavior, and I cave quickly.  Ic an’t stay overnight anywhere without getting my head spun around.  I can’t even go visit a friend without X days notice (and she’ll forget anyway).  God forbid I have someone over the house without her making a huge deal about it.  She’ll complain about dirty rugs or she can’t do laundry while my friend’s here.  So many excuses.   Now she’s accusing me of not “contributing to the household”.  Seriously?  I spend thousands of dollars a month, plus my time.  Don’t accuse me of being a jobless deadbeat child living off you.  I buy everything you could want or need.  It’s not my fault you spend $5000 for a car that sits in the driveway to rot (she has another car).  Now it’s up to me to cover the other expenses?  She doesn’t care about my life at all.  She wants me home, and writing checks to her.  I’ll gladly pay whatever utilities need to be covered, but don’t expect me to just write you a check.

Ugh.  She even successfully bullied me into buying a house.  I should have said no years ago.  My brother will rent it from me, but it won’t cover all the costs, so I have to pay for that as well.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I am so weak, and I can’t escape.  I just feel trapped.

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

Fighting myself

and I have no idea why.  It’s been going on for a while now and I can’t figure it out.  All I do is waste time, avoiding things that I should be doing or things that I want to do.  I spend far too much time at work on the internet.  It’s not like the work is hard or there’s a lot of pressure right now, I just don’t want to do it.  and I have 10 different things I could be doing and I just sit there and stare into space/the web.  I think about htings I could be doind at home.  But it’s not just work. Once I get home, I think of all the things I should have done at work, and again, I just sit in front of the computer, looking for things to do.  I have abundant free time and I could be working on awesome personal projects, but I just don’t want to.  I don’t get it.

I’m definitely running from something in head.  There’s something I can’t face, but I don’t know what it is.  Oddly enough, I hate myself when I waste time, which is why I don’t work on personal projects, since they lead nowhere.  But am I any better off right now?  Just refreshing facebook and wordpress and icanhascheeseburger?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Consistency is not my thing

I hadn’t realized it’s been so long since I posted.  I’ve kind of checked out for the past few weeks.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to interact really.  I’m glad february is over.  From my cat dying to  the week of food poisoning, it’s been a sucky month.

I’ve also been going thorugh my yearly “I’m bored with my life and I don’t know how to fix it without thinking of drastic measures” phase.  I want a new job even though the one I have is decent, pays well and I get a good amount of freedom.  Maybe too much.  I accomplushed almost nothing this month.  I spent a week in a daze just surfing the interent.  Then I was home for a week with food poisoning and today I just stayed home for no real reason.  Well, I thought it was going to snow storm, so the commute would have been awful/dangerous, but it ended up ok.  I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to work from home.  No one missed me.

I feel like a failure.  I’m 26 and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.  I just want to quit, move to a beach and work just enough hours to make rent and food.  I have no motivation anymore.  I remember when I was first out of college and I was so amped to be working, and making money and at least feeling appreciated at work.  I don’t get those feelings anymore.  I’m just dead on the inside.

I have no hobbies, and everytime I get an idea for supplemental income, I work on it for a couple days and then just forget about it.  I don’t have the people skills/social graces to start my own business, which is what I think I want to do.  At least then I’ll have responsibility for myself.  But i don’t know any business that doesn’t involve some type of customer.  You never really work for yourself.  Your woking for other people’s money.

I have no sense of pleasure anymore either.  I remember working hard and then being able to reward myself with surfing the interet or food or buying things.  Now I don’t get that high from the reward anymore.  I don’t know if I’ve overindulged myself, taking rewards when I haven’t earned them or I just don’t want the reward anymore.

I want to just chuck it all.

Goodbye My Friend

I had to put down my cat yesterday. My mom called me out of work to say he wasn’t feeling well. he’s 18, on a couple medications and has had bouts of not feeling well before. I thought it was just going to be an ear infection or something we could deal with. After the blood work came back we really didn’t have much choice. he had too many issues and the treatments were worse than the disease.
I completely lost it in the exam room. I’ve had him most of my life. I knew this would happen soon, but I was not prepared for it yesterday. And now I’m not even sure what to do with myself. When I lose a pet, I’ve always had other ones that needed to be cared for. He was the last one of the pets I had since I was born.
To make it worse, the vet was a total asshole to me and my mom, asking, “why are you giving him this?” or “why do you think he has cancer? He was never tested”. You asshole, your vet hospital told us this. Your hospital gave us the medications. He changed his attitude once he figured out my cat was dying, but that really didn’t help my stress level.

Goodbye my boy. I love you.

I think I’m bipolar

No offense intended to anyone who is bipolar, but I’m trying to explain why I can be so depressed and angry and lethargic and then be the way I am now.

I’ve been so hyper.  Not necessarily happy, but I ‘ve been doing things I wouldn’t normally do.  I started a new blog for my hobbies and I’ve been posting to  that like crazy.  I even put pictures up of myself, which is very much not like me.  I’m initiaiting contact with people, but I’m also very impatient.  I was waiting to hear from my friend about watching the super bowl (he said on friday we’d work out details this weekend) but by saturday night, I hadn’t hear anything.  My brain goe in to overdrive, thinking he got a better offer, so I emailed him.  a few mintues later he gets back to me, but I still feel slighted.

I also tried to apply for a textbook writer position for the new myHogwarts program.  I wrote up my writing sample and eveything.  Typically, I don’t want to interact with strangers on the internet who will judge me, but I was excited.  I was still scared though, so I wanted to wait, and reread what I wrote.  Turns out I shouldn’t have, since they just closed applications (it’s been two days for crying out loud).

So now, I’m upset I let another opportunity pass.  I still don’t trust myself, but maybe next time I won’t be so hesitant.  I have to take a risk at some point.