Tag Archives: friendship

I can’t judge relationships

I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me.  I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not.  And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.

My friend, who I see as  brother, just got engaged.  I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously.  Noe once did he mention her.  I don’t even know her name.  I clearly overvalued our friendship.  He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic.  We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works.  I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.

I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.

Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa).  I need to let these feelings go.  His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am.  I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me.  Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.

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I guess it’s over…

So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him.  And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦

I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore.  Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us.  I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.

I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok.  but now he’s essentially disappeared.

I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me.  I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype.  And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.

My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out.  I’ve moved past that reaction.  I thought I was his friend again.

There goes my social life…

So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month.  I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?)  I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this.  She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living.  She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her)  So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school.  She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.

I glad she can get her life in order.  Really, I am.  But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her.  She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no.  I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother.  I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend.  I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself:  I am selfish. I am a terrible friend.  Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it.  I just bought her concert tickets for graduation.  I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.

She is my only friend.  I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking.  Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her).  I’m not sure what happens now.  It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.

I like consistency.  I like being able to plan.  I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life.  Too many variables.  I’ve known J since the 6th grade.

Life will be different.

Second Tier Friend

I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s been right in my face so I need to talk about it again.   I have two people I can call my friends, which may not even be friends by some people’s definitions; The Boy and J.  I’ve known J since middle school but our relationship kind of fades in and out.  Lately we’ve been getting long well, we actually hung out a couple times in two weeks, which is impressive since we only see each other a couple times a year.  Which is dumb since she lives in the next town.

So we spend an afternoon/night getting dinner, playing games and cruising the mall and everything seem great.  We find a game she absolutely wants to try but can’t afford.  a few days later I end up getting it and she’s super excited to play.  I invite her to my house (which I never do.  She doesn’t drive so I always go to hers, plus that’s where the other people are).  turns out she isn’t good at the game and I think I made her uncomfortable since we ended up having dinner with my family.  That’s one of the reasons I don’t invite people over.  It’s an inconvenience to my mother and I end up upsetting the general order of things.

So I think everything is ok at the end of the night, but I haven’t heard from her since.  I posted a link to her facebook wall I thought she’d like, but she completely ignored it.  We always “like” each other’s links.  since we don’t see each other often, this is how we maintain a friendship.  I know I’m over analyzing this, but I don’t want to lose the few “friends” I have.  It’s like she only wanted to hang out with me when we do what she finds interesting.  And I will cave to whatever she wants to do, but I won’t be able to contribute much.  We have very different personalities and few things in common.  Probably not enough to maintain the friendship, but we get along ok.

Plus we made theoretical plans to take a vacation together when she graduates but I doubt that will happen.  I’ve been dying to go to HP world and she already went but would go again.  I know I’m being selfish in wanting to go but I don’t have anyone else.  I’d go alone but that’s not as much fun and kind of sad 😦

So now that I’m of no longer any use to J, I may not hear from her for a while.  And now I’ve found out (via facebook posts) she has a new comic book nerd friend and they are exchanging messages like crazy. This is going to be painful to watch unfold.

And I lent her some DVDs the last time we hung out.  I wonder if I’ll get those back.

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I don’t know why I keep trying

Just a quick update.  I had a “date” with The Boy tonight.  I asked him to lunch, he countered with dinner.  I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.  We didn’t have much to talk about.  Alot of just silence.  He left at 8:30.  I think he’s finally bored with me, but he keeps trying.  Maybe I was just too tired and shouldn’t have even asked him to dinner, but I missed him.  Maybe I shouldn’t have shown him my new addition to my HP collection.  He seemed interested, but he’s so polite I never know what he’s really thinking.  This sucks.

 

And So the Circle Begins Again

The Boy update:

So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore.  I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball.  We got along fine then.  I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other.  Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now.  I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts.  I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style.  I tried, actually, and that backfired.  Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?”  The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”.  occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path.  So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends.  I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question.  I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions.  I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday.  I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off.  I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him.  If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place?  I don’t get it.  All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to).  We don’t even go out anymore.  I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).

I guess I’ve finally had enough.  I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship.  I want a real one.  I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on.  I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense.  I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.

I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid.  I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it.  And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site.  They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.

Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal.  Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.)  I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.

The Ex

I talked to the ex yesterday, as part of our semi-annual catch phone call (semi annual since it’s typically my birthday and his birthday as the catalyst for conversation).  It went…really well.  I was a bit surprised actually.  No crying after the call, no pangs of withdrawal and no crushing feeling  that I won’t ever talk to him again.  I never thought I’d be able to say this, but I can really be friends with him, and it can work.  I’ll always have a special place for him since he was the first guy to ever really care about me. He showed me physical intimacy can be a positive experience (even if I fought him at the time).  He’s had such strong influence on me.  Talking to him again has given me that push I needed to do something about my life.  It’ll still be baby steps, but at least I won’t be stewing in my own depressing thoughts for a while.  I hate that I need an external push to get my life going.  I’m still so unsure of myself and what I want, but he did give me good advice (as usual).  Our conversations always turn philosophical and i love that.  He’s the only person I can have that kind of conversation with.  We’re eerily similar and I’ve never been as open with anyone as I am with him (even now, 4 years after breaking up).

I told him how I blog about my problems, and how it’s helped to just get my thoughts out of my head.  He wants to see this site, but I’m (naturally) a little hesitant.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t share with him, but most of these posts are written during extreme emotional upheavals for me, and I may not necessarily feel the same way anymore.  I’ve also mentioned him in previous posts.  I’m not sure how he’d react to that, and since he’d be reading this on his own, we couldn’t actively discuss anything.  I don’t want him to have the wrong impression.

I’m also afraid that I would start censoring myself if someone I knew was reading it.  This blog mostly helps because I can let every thought out with fear of judgment or offending anyone.

So i don’t know if I’ll show him this.  Maybe in a few years and I can distance myself from who I am now.