I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me. I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not. And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.
My friend, who I see as brother, just got engaged. I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously. Noe once did he mention her. I don’t even know her name. I clearly overvalued our friendship. He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic. We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works. I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.
I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.
Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa). I need to let these feelings go. His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am. I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me. Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.
So the Ex, who I’ve meantioned numerous times, has deleted his facebook account. Yeah, normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but that is my only way of communicating with him. And he deleted it without any notice or new contact info 😦
I guess that means he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Our last conversation was in January for his birthday, which is typically for us. I guess I have to wait until my birthday to see if he truely has forgotten about me.
I feel hurt, since I thought we were ok. but now he’s essentially disappeared.
I don’t know how he’ll get a hold of me. I don’t think he has my email and he’s dumped Skype. And I don;t think he has my phone number stored anywhere since he always facebooks me for it when he wants to talk.
My most outlandish theory is that he and his wife are expecting a baby and that he’s afraid I’ll freak out when I find out. I’ve moved past that reaction. I thought I was his friend again.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, stress, update
Tagged analysis, anxiety, confused, ex, friend, friendship, frustrated, life, relationships, stress, thoughts
So I just found out that my “best friend” J is moving across the country after she graduates next month. I use quotes around the best friend part, since I consider her my best/closest friend, but I’m am not her best friend (Is it ever a two way street in these things?) I guess I qualify as her second best friend, since she invited me and who she openly calls her best friend to dinner to tell us this. She doesn’t really want to go, but there’s no job opportunites here, and it’s a really high cost of living. She recently moved back in with her parents, which is pretty tocix to her (her mom is a little off, and is verbally abusive to her) So she deided to move in with her cousin, where she can get a job and go to grad school. She said it’s only temporary and that she’ll move back in 3 years.
I glad she can get her life in order. Really, I am. But I feel incredibily guilty that I can’t help her. She asked me to move in with her 6 years ago, when I was still in college, but I said no. I fear change too much, and given her history of flakiness, I was afraid I would be stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be, and give up the cushy life I have living with my mother. I know I’m not responsible for her life, and I’m not supposed to take care of her, but I feel helpless, and like a terrible friend. I’ve thought alot since she told me and I discovered alot about myself: I am selfish. I am a terrible friend. Then I try to bend over backwards to make up for it. I just bought her concert tickets for graduation. I prefer to throw money at problems than actively deal with a situation.
She is my only friend. I feel comfortable being myself around her (well, relatively speaking. Apparently not comfortable enough to live with her). I’m not sure what happens now. It’s not like we hung out all the time anyway, but the option was there, and the only times I ever go out are with her.
I like consistency. I like being able to plan. I guess that’s why I don’t have alot of people in my life. Too many variables. I’ve known J since the 6th grade.
Life will be different.
Posted in analysis, anxiety, depression, inner thoughts, life, relationships, stress, train of thought
Tagged alone, anxiety, changes, fear, friend, friendship, learning, life, lonely, moving, reflection, situations, thoughts, update
The Boy update:
So the Boy and I aren’t really talking so much anymore. I’ve seen him once in two weeks, and that was a few days ago at basketball. We got along fine then. I think he’s been missing me a little, but not as much as he has in the past when we went weeks without seeing each other. Usually there would be some invite to hang out by now. I think he’s tired of me, and my disappearing acts. I get relationships need to go both ways, and I should just ask him to hang out more, but that just isn’t my style. I tried, actually, and that backfired. Every sunday that we do hang out, I always ask him “Up to anything good this weekend?” or “Do anything this weekend?” The answer I always get is “not really” or “not much”. occasionally I’ll get that he rode his bike down the bike path. So, stupid me, for some reason started believing he doesn’t do much on weekends. I asked him to a concert on a saturday (I asked him the monday before) and he dodges the question. I must have caught him off guard since he looked a little flustered and instead of answering me, he asks his own questions. I emailed him the details that night and all of a sudden he magically has plans for that saturday. I know he does stuff and for some reason doesn’t want to tell me, but that finally pissed me off. I don’t care what you do, but don’t hide it from him. If he has a real girlfriend then, why bother with me in the first place? I don’t get it. All we ever do is watch football and sometime eat pizza (If there’s time, since he just seems to fit me in before he has a bball game to get to). We don’t even go out anymore. I’ve never met any of his friends (and he doesn’t seem to want to meet mine).
I guess I’ve finally had enough. I’m sick of this pseudo-relationship. I want a real one. I know he at least somewhat cares about me, but I don’t understand what is going on. I’ve only had one real relationship and that was emotionally intense. I’m not sure if my relationship with the Boy is normal or not. Maybe I’m expecting too much.
I just spent the last hour browsing profiles of guys near me on OkCupid. I’m not inherently against online dating, but I don’t think I can do it. And given the 3 guys that I recognize on the site (two I went to high school with), I want to stay far far away from that site. They all seem to be asshat jocks or depressed nerds.
Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I don’t even have any sex drive any more (given that I’m a virgin, I mean any type of sexual arousal. Nothing seems to get a physical or emotional response anymore.) I know I don’t want to be alone forever, but I don’t feel “that way” about anyone I know anymore.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, depression, life, relationship, relationships, sex, stress, update, virgin, virginity
Tagged alone, analysis, anxiety, ball, boyfriend, dating, decisions, depression, failure, fear, friend, friendship, frustrated, jealousy, learning, life, okcupid, reflection, relationships, risk, situations, stress, thoughts, tired, trust, update
I talked to the ex yesterday, as part of our semi-annual catch phone call (semi annual since it’s typically my birthday and his birthday as the catalyst for conversation). It went…really well. I was a bit surprised actually. No crying after the call, no pangs of withdrawal and no crushing feeling that I won’t ever talk to him again. I never thought I’d be able to say this, but I can really be friends with him, and it can work. I’ll always have a special place for him since he was the first guy to ever really care about me. He showed me physical intimacy can be a positive experience (even if I fought him at the time). He’s had such strong influence on me. Talking to him again has given me that push I needed to do something about my life. It’ll still be baby steps, but at least I won’t be stewing in my own depressing thoughts for a while. I hate that I need an external push to get my life going. I’m still so unsure of myself and what I want, but he did give me good advice (as usual). Our conversations always turn philosophical and i love that. He’s the only person I can have that kind of conversation with. We’re eerily similar and I’ve never been as open with anyone as I am with him (even now, 4 years after breaking up).
I told him how I blog about my problems, and how it’s helped to just get my thoughts out of my head. He wants to see this site, but I’m (naturally) a little hesitant. There isn’t much I wouldn’t share with him, but most of these posts are written during extreme emotional upheavals for me, and I may not necessarily feel the same way anymore. I’ve also mentioned him in previous posts. I’m not sure how he’d react to that, and since he’d be reading this on his own, we couldn’t actively discuss anything. I don’t want him to have the wrong impression.
I’m also afraid that I would start censoring myself if someone I knew was reading it. This blog mostly helps because I can let every thought out with fear of judgment or offending anyone.
So i don’t know if I’ll show him this. Maybe in a few years and I can distance myself from who I am now.
Posted in analysis, boyfriend, ex, inner thoughts, life, relationship, relationships, update
Tagged analysis, birthday, boyfriend, dating, friend, friendship, learning, life, reflection, relationships, the ex, therapy, thoughts, update