Tag Archives: stress

I am not important

Still here, but been mostly too tired or stressed out to write anything.  Between work, my coursera course, cosplay and trying to prep for grad school applications, I haven’t felt like I’ve had time to focus enough to write.  I’ve been yelling at myself everyday to start exercising again, but when I wake up, I just don’t want to move.  I lifted weights for 10 minutes today, and felt slightly better.  Someday I’ll convince myself to workout before work.

Well, that’s the positive things lately.  My depression and feelings of worthlessness are kicking up again.  I need to find a way to stop valuing myself based on others.  I’ve realized that I’m not the most important person in anybody’s life.  I know I should just worry about myself, and taking care of my life, but I want to feel valued.

I feel so childish and narcissistic for thinking this way, but my “closest” friend J, just lost a family member.  I thought I would be the one outside her family to help her, as she reached out to me the first day.  Turns out another friend helped her more.  I have no idea why or how.  I just saw the shoutout on facebook.  I took her out that night, along with her brother and the friend, but somehow after that my sympathy didn’t mean much.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking about this.  J is the one suffering, and I’m sitting her wondering why she doesn’t want my help.

Another example.  The Boy (yeah, I know, what else is new?)  I still have no idea what our relationship is.  There’s what I consider somewhat intimate physical contact, but probably not enough for normal adults to consider significant.  We had tentative plans to watch a movie mid week, but he took the day off to spend time with someone from out of town.  But didn’t tell me until I tried to confirm the night before.  I don’t know if this is just his personality, but he does not like to talk about his life with me.  Anything.  I know one of his friends names and he doesn’t mention anything that the does outside of work.  I don’t understand why he bothers with me.  I get so insecure around him now that I’m probably self sabotaging.  I try to ask questions without being stalkerish, but I can’t get much info.  I shouldn’t have to pull teeth this hard

I deserve to be with someone, right?  Who loves me and wants to share their life with me?  Is that allowed for someone like me?

Either I just don’t know how to connect with people or I haven’t met the right subset of people yet.  I just want to be myself and relaxed when I’m with someone.  Not stressed and constantly worrying is I’m going to upset them

Advertisements

Anxiety Attack

I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time.  I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things.  I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.

This is 100% psychologically stress induced.  Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes.  Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started.  It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough.  She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag.  Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it.  By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…

I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.  She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can.  I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me.  I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes.  She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”.  I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink.  I’m sure they made noise.

God, my chest is pounding again.  I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking.  I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me.  We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue.  We don’t communicate well.  she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things.  She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.

Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have.  Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good.  I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.

I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person.  I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting.  I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are  or just perceived negatively.

I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long.  If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean.  She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”

If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish.  She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time.  She doesn’t want me in grad school.

Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts.  I’m so tired and frustrated and weak.  I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I also started cutting again today.  It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain.  I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.

Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst.  Wonderful.  no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦

Incompetence

So apparently my application for grad school has been sitting on someone’s desk for the past two months and I can’t get a hold of this said person.  I’ve called the admissions office twice and they can’t do anything for some reason.  It’s been pushed to the department and it’s up to the department to accept or reject me.  At this point, I don’t care if they reject me, but I kinda need to know before the semester starts in a few days.  I’ve never seen an  office run so poorly.  I sort of expected some issues with this school, but not this.  Not completely being ignored.  I’ve emailed another person in the department, but who knows if they’ll bother responding.  I’m not sure what to do.  I can just move on, and try to get into another schools program within the next week, or I just sign up for a class as a non degree student and hope I can fix this issue before next semester.  Assuming there will actually be classes for me to take then.  The class I need to take for the program was cancelled due to low enrollment.  Gee, was it because you didn’t bother admitting students who would take the class?  Something is wrong here and I’m fucking pissed off about it.  There is no reason for it and I really don’t need this level of stress.

I am a broken person

I don’t understand how I’ve functioned “successfully” all my life.  All the crazy is slipping out now.  I dont’ think I could have behaved any more insane or offensive today.  And not the crazy is putting my job at risk.  I hate myself right now.  I just want out.  I want to forget everything and run, but I know that will just make things worse.  I wish I wasn’t so obsessive.  Most of this wouldn’t have happened.  I spent the day agonizing over stupid concert tickets.  wtf is wrong with me?  It shouldn’t matter!  who cares where I sit.  I’m such a fucking lunatic.  And I got sarcastic with a superior.  It just slipped out and I didn’t mean anything by it.  I forgot who I was taking to :-(.  And I was so verbally abusive to the Boy yesterday.  I was just trying to tease him and I went way to far.  I’d be surprised if he ever talks to me again.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I need to reset my personality. I need to remmebr basic social interactions and not be influence by the things and people around me.  My personality is too tied to those I’m interacting with.  I’ve been spending too much time with cynical people and it’s rubbed off far too muc.  So here are my new rules for life.  I just hope I can follow them:

  1. Calm the fuck down.  seriously.
  2. work == WORK! not other life things.
  3. Be quiet
  4. Be nice
  5. Be positive
  6. Do what is best for you and not what you think others want. You cannot make everyone happy.
  7. Stop trying to be funny.  It’s just comes off as bitchy and obnoxious.
  8. You don’t deserve anything.

I’d like this tattooed on my arm so I can remember it.  I don’t want to tape it to my desk, because anyone can see it.  But I need to remember how to behave appropriately.

I had a minor breakdown last night

I was trying to go to sleep, but I just let myself breakdown and cry uncontrollably.  I can’t place it on anything specific.  I think just alot of small things I can’t fight just decided to be in my head at once.  I was just surfing askmetafilter and alonelylife forums and I it must have been the empathy or just seeing so much of myself in those posts that I just let go.  I’ve accepted how pathetic my life is and I’m tried of fighting it.

Most of the frustration/disappoint resides with the Boy again.  I’m sorry to keep annoying anyone who reads the majority of my posts with this subject.  I’ve been complaining about it for years now and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Although I think my apathy may be destroying what could have been.  I just feel so insecure about myself and I know I’m not good enough for him.  I swear he looks down on me, like a child or pet that does foolish things and says even stupidier things.  We haven’t really had much of a relationship lately.  We see each other for an hour for lunch once a week.  I leave it up to him if he wants to hang out ont he weekends.  90% of the time when I ask him to do something he’s “busy”.  And I don’t even get the details of it, so we have nothing to talk about during that hour together.  I’m tried of filling the silence with pointless pop culture references.  I want to know about you, not what you watch on tv.  Either tell me about your life, or make me a part of it.

Then again, I know I’m most of the problem.  I have a hard time maintaing relationships.  I always feel like I’m bothering them or interrupting their life when I want to hang out.  I just don’t fit into anyone’s life.  I’m not part of the routine.  I’m that special outfit you have in the back of the closet that you look at once in a while and try on.  Then you wear for a night and it goes into the hamper until you see it again on wash day.

I’m also having a hard time tolerating my mother.  Every night she just argues with the news on tv during dinner.  I can’t have a conversation with her unless I’m agreeing with her opinion on something (we have drastically different views on life and if I try to argue my point she gets so pissed off and if I defend myself she calls me difficult).  And she’s been seriously guilt tripping me when I bring up buying a house for my self “eventually”  I’m not even saying now because she currently has me buying a house for her parents (I like how I was never asked, just told it was a good investment for my money).  She hides all her selfish decisions behind the veil of being “good for me”.  You just don’t want to be alone.  And if I moved out tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone.  My brother is still here and will be for a bit.  but apparently that doesn’t count.  I have to be the go between the tow of them.  I’m some sort of buffer that makes the two of them living together tolerable (I don’t understand how, that’s her reasoning).

I just don’t want to think anymore.  Crying last night helped alot.  I don’t feel anymore since then.  I’m just exisitng. For now.

Awkward Interactions

This week has not been a good one for me socially.  It seems like every interaction with someone is filled with misuderstanding or just bad vibes.  I’m sure it’s my problem or a self fuffilling prophecy, but it’s really put me on edge.  I’ve been having mini panic attacks whenever I have to interate with someone. Not even talk to them, just seeing them in the hallway makes we want to dive into the next room and pretend I’m a turtle.

alot of it has just been stupid stuff, like yesterday.  My boss called in a broken door lock and so a guy comes down soon after.  My boss left the room for some reason (I never know why), So I ask the guy “You here for the door?”  and I don’t know what he heard me say, but he said The one I just walked, through? I saw that.  Is <my boss> here, he’s expecting me.”  Wait, what? Usually they fixit guys don’t care who called it in, so I was preparing to explain about the door.  I txted my boss to let him know the door guys was here.  As you’ve probably figured out, that guy was not the door guy.   I was just left ina wave of confusiona nd just carried on about my day.

Anoth reason, the awkwardness is my problem, is I went to lunch with the Boy on Monday and I didn’t get the soup that comes with the meal.  i honestly don’t care, but I was just too terrified to assert myself. (The Boy got his soup, so I don’t understand why they thought it was normal for one person to not get soup, especially when asked, the person says “Yes, I want soup”.  whatever.

So the last awkward interaction was to day and really messed me up.  I had to interview someone and we interview in pairs.  I don’t really like interviewing, since I’m usually more nervous about what I’m saying/how I say it/ stumbling over my words.  well today was one of the worst examples of it.  The guy is still in college, so younger than me, but he barely acknowledged my existance.  He got along with the guy I was paired with.  The thing that really pissed me off was whenever I asked a question, he would respond to the the other guy.  WTF?  I’m right there.  On the times he managed to look in my direction he would make really short ye contact and then look at something 2 feet above my head.  i wanted to chock it up to nervousness or fear of women, but 2 women interviewed him next and didn’t see a problem.  It shouldn’t have bothered me that much, but I’ve been so down on myself lately, that someone who is looking for me to recommended him for  job couldn’t even give me basic human courtesy.

One more day of work and then I can check out for a while.  Only a 3 day week next week with the holiday, so hopefully I’ll be able tog et back into the right frame of mind.  this self doubt/loathing is getting old.

Fighting myself

and I have no idea why.  It’s been going on for a while now and I can’t figure it out.  All I do is waste time, avoiding things that I should be doing or things that I want to do.  I spend far too much time at work on the internet.  It’s not like the work is hard or there’s a lot of pressure right now, I just don’t want to do it.  and I have 10 different things I could be doing and I just sit there and stare into space/the web.  I think about htings I could be doind at home.  But it’s not just work. Once I get home, I think of all the things I should have done at work, and again, I just sit in front of the computer, looking for things to do.  I have abundant free time and I could be working on awesome personal projects, but I just don’t want to.  I don’t get it.

I’m definitely running from something in head.  There’s something I can’t face, but I don’t know what it is.  Oddly enough, I hate myself when I waste time, which is why I don’t work on personal projects, since they lead nowhere.  But am I any better off right now?  Just refreshing facebook and wordpress and icanhascheeseburger?

What the hell is wrong with me?