Tag Archives: marriage

I can’t judge relationships

I have no idea what my value is to others, how they see me or feel about me.  I think we’re close but then something happens that proves we’re not.  And I get sent down my spiral of worthlessness and isolation.

My friend, who I see as  brother, just got engaged.  I had no idea he seeing someone that seriously.  Noe once did he mention her.  I don’t even know her name.  I clearly overvalued our friendship.  He is the one person I can be myself around, and know it’s absolutely platonic.  We’re different enough, but have similar enough interests that it works.  I would go for weeks talking to him on a daily basis, and even sharing his cubicle for a while and this is what I get.

I’m not upset he’s getting married (although I’m sure once of the reasons is that all his friends are, he’s mentioned that). I just had no clue he would do it so soon and with someone I don’t think he knew very long.

Of course I’m jealous of him, if she makes him happy, since I highly doubt I’ll find anyone I can make happy (and vice versa).  I need to let these feelings go.  His life doesn’t affect mine, and I really have no right to be hurt, but I still am.  I have to find a way to be happy on my own and stop letting others’ successes bother me.  Every time I see someone make progress in their life, it just reminds me how much I haven’t accomplished.

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Another Down Day

Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.