Tag Archives: pain

Why I can’t say yes

I know why I’m a still a virgin.  I know why I will probably be one for the rest of my life.  I know why I said no to the man I thought I loved.  I know why I refuse to find a real boyfriend and why I can’t be happy in a relationship.

 

I’m trying to make for the time when I didn’t say no.

 

I didn’t say anything when I was molested repeatedly as a child.  I took it, and sometimes it felt good.  Other times it hurt.  Now I finally realize, at 2 am while trying to fall asleep, why I can’t say yes.  Guilt is the only thing that drives me in life.  Guilt and Fear.

Advertisements

How Can I… (p)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
Blinded by winds of sand
Now I can see your end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

I watched you fall around me
Get up and fall again
This high will bring you down
Now you have reached the end

How can I face tomorrow
How can I live today
How can I stand beside you
How can I say goodbye

How can I…
How can I…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Down Day

Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.