Tag Archives: movie

Giving up control to be accepted

I really annoy myself sometimes.  I spend months in self imposed social isolation, and then once I start to crave social interaction again, I want to say just screw it, and go back in my hole.

So I missed the release of the final HP movie (HP is my obsession).  I try to do those things with J and her family, but that didn’t work out (family emergencies on her side, so no blame there).  But now we made plans to go tomorrow and she just called to say now we’re going on sunday since that’s when everyone else can go.  I’m always just this appendage to the core group, like my opinion doesn’t mean anything.  What if I was busy?  At least I got them to not go at 11 pm, when you know, people have to get up and go to work in the morning.  I feel bad saying that but, she can be so flaky, so we might not even go anyway.  Now I have this giant knot in my stomach because plans I was looking forward to are changing. I don’t like giving up control, which is necessary when dealing with the hive mind of a group of friends (well, any social relationship requires give and take, but I’m so overwhelmingly the one just going along for the ride.  To make everyone else happy.  So they’ll like me.  So I can say I have friends…)

Also, and I hate mention him in every post, but The Boy asked me to dinner on sunday night (kind of our regular thing).  So I make a choice, dinner or HP.  The Boy asked me after I agreed to go on saturday with J, so I’m kinda committed to HP.  Plus, it’s the last one so this dilemma won’t happen again.  I’ve gone Sundays without seeing The Boy, but I miss him, and haven’t seen him all week.  Then again, he’s been with his friend from out of town all day, and will be with him until mid afternoon Sunday.  So it’s kind of like he’s just fitting me afterwards anyway.

ugh.

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Perceived Restrictions

I can’t believe the weekend is over already.  I feel like I didn’t do anything that I wanted to do.  I helped my mom renovate the kitchen, but still, it sucks that I work 50 hour weeks, never have time to do anything after work and then my weekend gets sucked into whatever my mom had planned.  All this while my brother gets to go out everyday, stay over with his girlfriend in the city and my mom doesn’t even blink an eye.  I know there’s a double standard with parents and their kids;  boys get much more free reign, even if they’re younger.  At least I’ve been able to convince my mom it’s ok for my to stay out past midnight.  She always needs to know where I am, where I’m going and she has successfully trained me (from past arguments) to feel guilty if I don’t.  I can never fully ejoy myself when I’m out, since I’m worried she’ll call, or email and, me, being a polite person, doesn’t check my phone every 2 minutes.  I always dread the ride home, wondering if she’ll be up.  If she is, then it’s another 20 minutes trying to have a half conversation with her and not to get her angry (she’s always so touchy when she’s tired or had a drink in her).  Things have been ok lately, but the first time I stayed out past 11 with The Boy, she had my brother call me, even though I called her 4 hours earlier to tell her where I’d be.  Then she gets upset with me the next day, saying she thought I learned my lesson with the ex.  I’m not sure what her real problem was, since she knew where I was (I gave the address), that I’d be out late, and oh yeah, I’m 23 years old with a graduate degree and a full time, respectable job.

Yeah, so that was a couple years ago, but the fear of having another of those arguments always haunts me.  I never know when she’ll be ok or decide to flip out over nothing.  I want to move out, and start my life.  I’m tired of answering to someone who still treats me like an incompetent child.  She won’t let me cut the lawn or even wash the dishes the past two days, because she “doesn’t want the new counters to get wet”.  I feel like I need to grow, that I’m stuck in my personality and way of thinking.  I want to some control over my day to day life.  I feel restricted in that I can’t do anything without telling her, almost like asking permission.  If I want to eat dinner at 9 pm or decide one day to have a 12 hour movie marathon, I want the option.  I cant even eat breakfast without her wanting me to do something.  I should just make myself less available, but I like to be home.  And the lack of friends to do things with gives me less opportunities.  Like there’s an HP movie marathon at the local theater this week and I would love to geek out and go see all of them, but there’s no way that would get past my mom.  I brought it up and all she said was, “that’s alot of sitting” and “don’t you you have those on dvd?”

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my mom.  But sometimes I think we’d be  better off if I lived elsewhere.  If only she’d let me leave…