Tag Archives: self harm

Anxiety Attack

I had a full on panic attack this afternoon, for the first time in a very long time.  I’ve mini attacks where the I feel my muscle tighten and my brain race, but today I couldn’t breathe and was shaking and walking into things.  I couldn’t function, I just stood there and tried to get the hand gripping my chest to let go.

This is 100% psychologically stress induced.  Everything I do and am is wrong in my mother’s eyes.  Today I was dreading her coming home, which was when the panic attack started.  It flared up when she got to the door and I couldn’t hold open the door for her fast enough.  She yelled, “just open it!” while I was pushing and it was caught on her bag.  Another day she she yelled, “why can’t you just help me?” with a horrible tone of disdain when I didn’t answer the phone quickly enough, and I thought she had answered it.  By the time i got to the phone she was standing next to it, asking who was calling…

I don’t care if I’m being unfair to her right now, and if she ever reads this I don’t think I would survive the verbal/emotional onslaught of how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.  She broke her arm a week ago and I’ve been helping her the best I can.  I know she’s in pain and frustrated she can’t do things, but she takes it out on me.  I ask her if I can do this-or-that and she says no. She thinks I’m being selfish and complaining about having to help her and I truely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong in her eyes.  She thought I was upset I had to make dinner. She said I was “throwing things” and “huffing-and-puffing”.  I didn’t throw anything…I tossed all the dirty baking pans I found in the process of cooking into the sink.  I’m sure they made noise.

God, my chest is pounding again.  I feel like I”m walking on eggshells and some of them are breaking.  I’m afraid to speak for getting some negative tone back at me.  We have very different personalities, and I’m sure that’s the root of the issue.  We don’t communicate well.  she gets upset when I’m quiet, but when I speak, I don’t say the right things.  She’s fine 90% of the time, but that other 10% makes me feel like shit and angry.

Maybe I’m wrong and I don’t understand the correct behavior I’m supposed to have.  Everything in life is perception, and I’m having a hard time acting in a way the my mother will perceive as good.  I’m sure this happens with other people’s opinion of me, but I don’t spend enough time with them where my personality causes a problem.

I’m afraid to live with anyone else for fear of finding out that I am a bitch, or a horrible person.  I tried to please everyone, and put a smile on my face, but it’s exhausting.  I can’t do it 100% of the time at home, which is probably why my actions/words are  or just perceived negatively.

I wish I could get away for awhile, but I can’t even leave the house without her knowing where I’m going and for how long.  If it’s for something for myself, she gets a sour look on her face and either gets quiet or mean.  She mocked me today when I mentioned the library having a book sale and she said “when will you have time to read?”

If I’m not doing work or something for the house, then it’s selfish.  She keeps quiet about it when I do homework, but she comments about how it takes so much time.  She doesn’t want me in grad school.

Sorry for the rant/explosion of thoughts.  I’m so tired and frustrated and weak.  I want to keep blaming her, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I also started cutting again today.  It helped a bit, but the sharp new blade didn’t cause much pain.  I did draw blood, so at least that’s something.

Edit: Just checked the calendar, and this full blown attack probably had a pms related catalyst.  Wonderful.  no wonder I felt extra shitty the past few days 😦

No Control

I’m a slave to my family, and I can’t break it.  Everything they want, I cave to.  I don’t know why I’m so weak.  Why I must always keep my mother happy.  I should have left years ago.  As I get closer to closing on the house that I essentially bought for my brother to live in, I keep thinking “what if”.  It’s horrible and I’m in tears writing this and thinking about it.  Where my life would be, who I’d be with, who I would be.  I know it’s all just a fantasy, and I’m probably just looking at the optimal outcome, but it sucks.  I swear I’d have a better career, maybe even married by now.  At least I’d have the opportunity for a serious relationship.  I can’t do that when I can’t have anyone over, with privacy.  Not with her emailing or calling me when I’m out.  I let her walk all over me for fear of just getting yelled at.  I don’t know why she terrifies me so much.  NOw my life savings are tied to a house that I have to continually pay for and my brother lives in.  Today my mom was going on about how happy my brother will be.  “He gets his own house, where he’s incharge” . No shit.  For some reason he gets that, but I don’t.  I’m stuck here essentially as her husband.  I want my own life and now I’m trapped even more.

The tears don’t stop.  I don’t know a way out.  I’m so afraid I’m going to something very stupid to myself.  At least I don’t know where the razors are anymore.  Sometimes just thinking about cutting again makes me feel better.  I hope that will be enough. I can’t afford to get anymore scars.  I don’t have a cat to blame them on anymore.  I feel so powerless and foolish.

being crushed

I can’t take any more stress.  I feel like I’m being crushed by a pile of rocks.  I just want to lay on the floor in a ball and make it disappear.  In fact I was on the floor and crying.  I couldn’t sleep until 5am this morning and now I have to be a functioning human being.  It’s just too much.  I know I don’t handle stress well, but I don’t know what to do.  I either don’t have enough skills to do what needs to be done or I’m waiting for other people to do their job.  I’m stuck and nothing is getting resolved.  I came so close to getting the razor blade out.  For that temporary relief.  And I had way too strong of an urge to just end it all.  I somehow managed to go food shopping and I’m slightly better.  Actually accomplishing something helped.   I was in a daze the entire time, but I succeeded at something.  The urges are just passing now, whenever I start worrying about life again.  I have to just ignore it.  Once I start thinking about one problem, every other one shows up in my mind as well.  I can only block it out.  I can’t fix it.

Another Down Day

Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.