I’ve somehow managed to gain 8 pounds in a month and 3 of those last week alone. And I have no idea why. I’ve been exercising almost every day and I expected some of the weight gain to be from muscle build up. At least, that’s what the guy in the exercise video told me. I haven’t been eating anything extreme (no binging for once). I thought I was doing really well since the start of the year, but I can’t seem to lose anything. I’m almost at my highest weight and I feel awful. Nothing fits, I’m embarrassed to be seen in public and I know the Boy has noticed. No wonder he doesn’t want to hang out anymore. I’ve switched back to 40 minute walking/jogging so maybe that will help. I achieved my lowest adult weight when I walked/jogged for 45 mins/2.5 miles every day. I got sick of it, but worked. Hopefully it work again. I’m so sick of being fat. I’ve been trying to lose for years, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve also started logging my food. They say just writing what you eat down helps you lose weight, but really I just don’t eat when I want to because I’m too lazy to log in and write it down. The “calories over” number also depresses me. There’s no way I can function on 1200 calories a day.
I don’t expect to ever be “thin” but not having back fat bounce around when I walk would be great.
Current stats: 5’7″, 168 lbs for anyone who cares.
Sorry for not posting more than once a week. When I first started this blog, I had a rampant stream of thoughts in my head I needed to get out. I’ve been feeling complacent/almost content lately, so the chaotic monkeys in the brain have settled down. I also spent last week organizing my room, which gives me a sense of calm. I’m greatly affected by the environment I’m in. Now that things are (mostly) orderly and I removed alot of things I don’t use, my mind is at ease.
I cleaned out my closet of everything I’m too fat to fit in. I can now see all the clothes I have and I no longer have the depressing thought of “I’ll fit into these eventually”. I know that’s supposed to be a good motivator for weight loss, but it’s been years and I’m still 20+ lbs over where I was in college. One thing I don’t like about my job is the sitting. I went from walking miles a day in college to just walking to the car. I always think I’ll find balance eventually, mostly when I move out on my own, and I’m not forced to eat dinner I didn’t make every night. I’m tired of the structure I’m tired of the structure I’m living in. My life is not my own. family is improtant to me, and deep down I am terrified to leave them, but I know it’s best for my mentality that I do. I don’t need to go far, but it will still be a huge change. I don’t react well to huge changes.
Well, that’s the stream of consciousness for today. Ball with The Boy tomorrow hopefully.
Posted in analysis, life, minutiae, stress
Tagged ball, boyfriend, cleaning, clothing, confused, daily life, dieting, family, food, frustrated, life, organization, peaceful, random, reflection, risk, stress, thoughts, update, weight, weight loss