And I don’t like it.
Sorry for the hiatus. I’ve been overworked, and beyond stressed, so much so that it has been a chore to even check my page. Since August, I’ve applied to grad school, dropped the one course I was taking (and costing me $7K in the process) and attempted to get funding in order for said grad school. I almost at the deadline for applying to funding, and I feel like it’s all about to fall apart. The one school I wanted to get into rejected me, and I’m kinda stuck until I hear from the other department at the same school. Since my work is affiliated with the school, my thesis is sort of tied to that school and it associations with my coworkers. If I don’t get in, then my research plans fall apart, and I may have to quit in shame. I feel like it’s totally my fault, like I didn’t try hard enough or want it enough. I didn’t talk to the right people, at the right time. I did try, but some didn’t respond, and others didn’t see eye to eye. I’m not sure how much more I could do without becoming a pushy obnoxious bitch. I get panic attacks when I try to email anyone now.
So the Boy got promoted. Technically he’s sort of my boss now, but he manages a different subset of people and projects, so I haven’t had to interact with him in any significant way at work. He’s even been kind enough to not be at my performance or salary review. We both agreed, before he got promoted, that it would be awkward. Not that our relationship isn’t awkward anyway.
Not much has changed relationship wise, except we no longer go to lunch. I had recently learned that some of our coworkers have tried to “figure us out” a few years ago. We were visibly friends at work, but we don’t even show affection in private, so I’m not sure where they got the idea. I think they’re just bored and like rumors. Either way, we don’t even acknowledge each other anymore at work. Lunch together is out of the question. What is really upsetting me is we haven’t “gone out”, either to dinner, or just be in public together since he got promoted. Admittedly, we didn’t do that alot before, but it’s been 6 months and we haven’t even gone out for dinner, including my birthday. I don’t know if its subconsciously trying to avoid running into anyone, or our relationship is just that boring.
Someday I’d like a boyfriend I can admit to having.
On other relationship news, I saw J once since the death of her brother last summer. It was at a christmas party with too many people and I shutdown pretty fast. I’m realizing that I have not much in common with her, and even less so with her friends. I haven’t seen her sister in who knows how long. It’s been so long that she’s stopped asking me to hang out. Too many broken promises on my end. Still, if I had really wanted to be with her, I would have found a way. Instead I found excuses.
The only people I can “relax” or act normally around are a small subset of coworkers. These people have graduated to friends, where I can see them outside of work. The problem I’m having is if I ever leave for a new job, I don’t know if the friendships will stay.
Hence the title of this post. Most of my day is at work. My only “friends” are at work. Hell, even my “boyfriend” is from work. Sometimes all we talk about is work. I don’t know if those are real relationships or not. It’s all I have and it scares me. My free time is spent thinking about work, and worrying about what I haven’t done, or who I upset. This is why the grad school situation terrifies me. If I go, it will be even more time devoted to work (since they are sponsoring, and will benefit from my degree)
Sometimes I just want everything to collapse, so I can start over, and maybe be a better version of me.