Another Down Day


Sorry for not posting more often.  I think that last post took alot out of me.  I’ve only told one person what happened to me and that was in bits and pieces.  I’ve never sat down and ran thru everything at once.

Today’s been another depression ridden day.  I’m just generally tired and want to sleep.  Sadly one of my triggers is still my ex boyfriend who broke up with me 4 years ago.  And got engaged 10 months after he claimed he never wanted to get married.  I will never understand that course of behavior. I asked him to explain it to me when he told me, but he never did.  That’s probably why I feel I have no closure in this.  He had such a change in personality and goals.  It scared me.  Maybe I didn’t know him like I thought.

The problem now is everytime I see a white boy dating/married to an Indian girl I just have the image of him in my mind.  That he’s happy while I sit here in my mother’s basement, alone.  I feel like I’ll never be that happy.  That it’s just not in the cards for me.  I’m too messed up.

I have the urge to start cutting myself again.  I’m fighting it, but I don’t know if I’ll win this time.

I want to be happy but I just don’t know how.

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