I swear The Boy can read my mind sometimes. A day after my extreme jealousy rant, I get the standard “are you coming to ball tomorrow?” email from The Boy. Only this time he asked me to come over afterward and watch the game. I don’t think we’ve spent time together after ball in at least a year. He knows if I said yes, that I’d have to take a shower at his place. The first time he asked me over after ball was 2 years ago. And that time we were so close to actually start dating (serious flirting, hand on my thigh+backrub kind of flirting). Somehow that got screwed up and we started the circle of getting closer and drifting way from each other. After yesterday, I’d say we’re back in the significant flirting phase. No backrub this time, but he held me in his arms alot longer than he usually does. It was past midnight and he waited for me get up, instead of him usually shifting his body so I’d have to get up. I nearly fell asleep in his arms. He also may have kissed my head lightly, but I’m not really sure. It was so light and quick, it may have just been his chin brushing against me. He’s never tried to kiss me (anywhere).
I’m never sure where his mind is or what his intentions are. 3 years of this circle and I still have no idea what he really wants (it seems to change with time). He seems content with the way things are most of the time. Most guys would want a lot more, especially after 3 years of spending time alone with someone who is clearly into you. My worst fear is that he doesn’t want a significant relationship with me because he’s getting what he needs from someone else. That’s would be ok, but only if he’d just tell me, so I wouldn’t feel guilty pursing someone else. He is a good friend, and treats me better than any guy before.
My cynical self just thinks the attention is because he feel guilty about being attracted to the new intern. I hate being this pessimistic, but I’m just trying to protect myself. I don’t want to be made a fool of. I don’t really know what he does on saturdays (or who he’s with). I do know that two months in a row last year some woman has been over the day before I was (She left something in his bathroom only a woman would need). Someday I’ll get the courage to talk to him about “us”. I hate this limbo but far too terrified to lose him to risk talking about it.
For now at least, I’ll just enjoy the moment.