There’s something wrong with me


Something in my brain is broken.  I don’t understand basic human behaviors.

At the suggestion of a coworker, I read Lean In, a book by the COO of Facebook about why there are so few women leaders.  The beginning was good and made sense, which talked about gender stereotypes and cultural bias.  However the bulk of the book was bout being a mother and the questioning of a women’s dedication to her work, and the societal expectation that women are meant to be mothers/nurturing.

Sadly, this part of the book did not apply to me, and I don’t think it ever will.

I have never wanted children, and I don’t understand anyone who does (male or female).  I don’t see what the benefit it.  I did some research to try to find out why, but all I got was that people wanted someone to love them and to love them back.  That they just “wanted” to be a parent.  I understand perpetuation of the species and primal desires, but humans are an intelligent race of beings.  We move past our innate desires all the time.  The desire to fight, to eat, to fuck.  We all keep it under control (well, most of us anyway).

I feel nothing when I think of parenting, like it’s meant for someone else to do.  I know there is nothing wrong with my choice, but I wonder why I feel this way.  My mother had me, obviously.  She did however, instill at an early age that sex was bad, having a relationship was bad, and getting pregnant would ruin my life.  To this day she’ll judge a pregnant women, when she herself was one twice, and once by choice (I was not the choice).

Maybe it is conditioning.  Maybe by living in that environment, I know that I don’t want to end up like her, alone, poor and bitter.  I wish someone could give me a legitimate reason for having a child. There’s not guarantee they’ll love you or care for you later, or even be healthy.  All I see is risk and work for nothing.

Maybe I’m just a horrible child myself.

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