Blah


Sorry for not posting.  I’m sorry to myself too, since I keep forgetting how much writing makes me feel better.   I haven’t sleep much this week.  Just stupid thoughts taking over my brain about how pointless it all is.  I’m fighting against things a normal person shouldn’t have to fight for.  Like independence from my family.  I forget if I’ve posted about this before (and I’m too tired to go look it up), but my mom has found another excuse for me to never move out.  Now I’m supposed to spend everything I’ve saved for to buy a house for my grandparents so they can be close by in their old age.  She claims she’s having me do this as a benefit to me.  I get an “investment” (?) and when my grandparents are done with it, I can sell it and buy the house I really want.  I get most of the financial side of it (well, I’ve rationalized it) and it would be a very nice thing for a granddaughter to do, but no here seems to care about what I want to do.  They don’t even ask.  I’m sick of doing what I’m told.  I feel like I did my last year of school and my mom and I fought constantly.  I just want to do what I want.  Why am I not allowed?  oh, because she’ll flip out on you, take away your things, lock you out of the house and scream at you until 4am.  That’s why I don’t do what I want.  I’m terrified of her.  I need to stop.

Now she doesn’t even want me to move nearby (I’m supposed to wait for my neighbor to die and then I can by his house.  Seriously, this is how she thinks.  Everything I want to do I have to wait for someone to die first 😦 ).  I mentioned  buying and living in a house up the street, and she yells at me, “what am I supposed to do with a 5 bedroom house?”, “You’re going to leave me alone?” (my brother still lives here mind you).  I don’t know how to argue with her.

And I feel so guilty if I do leave.  She can’t afford the house without me and I don’t want to be the one responsible for forcing her to move and sell the home she’s worked on for 25 years.  She never thought about what would happen if I’m not here.  I hate feeling so trapped.

And now I’m crying again.  Well, best to get this out of the way before bed this time.  Ugh.

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2 responses to “Blah

  1. Holy shit, girl (or guy, I don’t know which you are). I literally just stumbled into this blog while googling some stuff and reading about your relationship with your mother is excruciating. I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better, but I didn’t want to leave without trying to help (as much as I can, anyway).

    By the sounds of it, you’re old enough and smart enough to leave home. You have the money, or can get the money, and you’re more that capable of breaking off and doing your own thing. The only thing holding you back is you mother. Why are you standing for it? I know she is your mother, the one that gave you life and whatever else, but YOU are in control of your life and have absolutely NO obligation to do anything you DON’T want to do. Period. Always, always remember that. The fact that that woman is a mother does not mean she has a special waver that renders her forever correct and incapable of making mistakes (as you no doubt well know). She is just another adult, and if another adult was treating you this way I’m sure you wouldn’t put up with it. If a friend was treating you this way, I’m sure you wouldn’t put up with that shit either. So why the hell do we do it?

    I was in the same situation not too long ago where my mother (single, insecure, embittered) was griping at me for having a long term boyfriend and going to university. She is extremely jealous and possessive and would take my phone off my mid text or call to see what I was doing or who I was talking to, which was both totally disrespectful and extremely rude. If I went out, she would pressure me to stay indoors with her, while she sat upstairs on her computer, simply so that I was under her control and doing what she wanted.
    When we fought, she would go insane- lock herself in her room, screaming that she would hurt herself if I didn’t stop being the way I was, amongst other horrible things- and there was nothing I could do. I was so afraid that she might actually DO the things she threatened that I would give in and let her have her way every single time. I felt like I owed her. Like if she told anyone what was going on, others would no doubt blame ME for being ungrateful for all that she has done and given me.

    Things were worse than that, but there is no need to go into all that here. The point is, I think I know how you feel. I would lie awake at night, crying, torn between how much I loved my mum and how much I hated being there with her. I longed for her approval. I longed for acknowledgement. I longed for the ability to do things I wanted to do, and for her to agree that those were the right choices. I wanted someone to tell me I wasn’t making mistakes, to guide me, like other parents did. But that just wasn’t going to happen.

    And when it boils down, this whole situation you and I are in isn’t about what you want, or even what your mother wants. It isn’t about what is owed or what is expected and it isn’t about keeping up appearances. It isn’t about doing what you’re told in case others blame you for the your mothers problems. It isn’t about who is right or wrong, or who knows better.

    What it boils down to is one person having respect for another and YOU having respect for yourself. Your mum does not see you or respect you as a grown woman, and so far, nothing you’ve done is telling her you can defend yourself. We are their children, and we will always be their children, but more importantly, we are also adults. We are in charge of our lives, just as they are, and we are NOT responsible for their happiness any more than we are responsible for the happiness of someone walking down the street that we hardly know. If they have problems with their life, THEY need to solve those problems. If our mothers bought massive houses when they had children that were going to grow up and leave, they should have prepared for that. If our mothers spend all their money on cars and holidays they cannot afford, then demand money from us, they are total fucking idiots and are no better than children who don’t know how to manage their money. Clear and simple.

    Now I’m not saying that you should tell your mum to go fuck herself and that she’s made her own bed, now lay in it etc., because people should help each other where they can. I will help my sister move house when the time comes, because that is the right thing to do. If my sister asked me to BUY her a new house, however, that is just insane and totally inappropriate.
    Similarly, your mother telling you to buy her parents a house is inappropriate It may SEEM like a good idea, and she may angle it so that everything will be better if you and her if you just do as your told, but as we know, mothers are not always right. Firstly, do you WANT to spend your money on a house for your grandparents? I’m guessing the answer is no, and why would you?? YOU have a life to live. YOU have a career to make and a family to start. If your mother wants her parents near by so badly and is afraid of being alone, have them move into the house and YOU move out. Problem solved! And if your mother is not willing to compromise on how these favours she is asking for can be exacted, then you can probably bet it’s not really about making life better at all. All this is going to do is enmesh you in her way of life so it’s harder to get away, and the one thing narcissistic mothers are great at is emotional and financial blackmail. DON’T let her snare you. DON’T let your mother control you by engineering how your hard earned money is spent. All that means is that you’re tied to her for longer and have to keep going back to her to ask if you can do this and that. You HAVE to take control!

    You can do whatever you want, friend. This is YOUR LIFE, and you don’t owe your mother a thing. Help her where you can, as any child would, but don’t be made to feel like you are the answer to all her problems. For my mother, the reason she was treating me that way was because she was afraid of being alone, afraid of losing me and afraid of feeling less secure that she did at that time. But I couldn’t stop her feeling that way and you can’t stop your mother feeling the way she does. Nothing you can do will fix this problem of hers. But show a little self respect and start putting up some measures of damage control. Don’t tell her how much money you have and don’t tell her how you plan to spend it. Just quietly go about looking for a place of your own, with flat mates or friends, whatever works for you. Then, when the time is right, tell her your plan. Tell her you’re leaving, that you love her, that you will ring and visit her as much as you can, but that you are ABSOLUTELY going to get your life on the right track.

    You can achieve amazing things and be a successful adult in every possible way. You can have a family and a successful career and your own place, and your own pets, whatever you want. You just have to go do it. Your mother many never congratulate you for your successes or agree that what you are doing is right, but don’t let that stop you creating a meaningful and happy life for yourself.

    YOU CAN DO IT. Get your god damn game face on, get things under your control and GET OUT of that house.

    If you need more support, look here for advice on how to plan your future around your mother

    http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist.html

    YOU CAN DO IT. Be strong! Good luck!
    And if for any reason you want someone to talk to about this,

    • Thank you so much for the support and sharing your story. I fall into these thought patterns and feel so trapped and isolated. It grounds me to know I’m not way off base in these thoughts. I’m sorry for what your mother put you through. It’s far worse than anything I’ve experienced. I wish I could say that I’m going to start taking charge of my life now, but I’ve been saying it for 7 years. I’m in a better position financially (and maturity wise), but I’m not quite there yet. I’m not going to turn down the opportunity to leave if it presents itself (I have in the past).

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