Giving up control to be accepted


I really annoy myself sometimes.  I spend months in self imposed social isolation, and then once I start to crave social interaction again, I want to say just screw it, and go back in my hole.

So I missed the release of the final HP movie (HP is my obsession).  I try to do those things with J and her family, but that didn’t work out (family emergencies on her side, so no blame there).  But now we made plans to go tomorrow and she just called to say now we’re going on sunday since that’s when everyone else can go.  I’m always just this appendage to the core group, like my opinion doesn’t mean anything.  What if I was busy?  At least I got them to not go at 11 pm, when you know, people have to get up and go to work in the morning.  I feel bad saying that but, she can be so flaky, so we might not even go anyway.  Now I have this giant knot in my stomach because plans I was looking forward to are changing. I don’t like giving up control, which is necessary when dealing with the hive mind of a group of friends (well, any social relationship requires give and take, but I’m so overwhelmingly the one just going along for the ride.  To make everyone else happy.  So they’ll like me.  So I can say I have friends…)

Also, and I hate mention him in every post, but The Boy asked me to dinner on sunday night (kind of our regular thing).  So I make a choice, dinner or HP.  The Boy asked me after I agreed to go on saturday with J, so I’m kinda committed to HP.  Plus, it’s the last one so this dilemma won’t happen again.  I’ve gone Sundays without seeing The Boy, but I miss him, and haven’t seen him all week.  Then again, he’s been with his friend from out of town all day, and will be with him until mid afternoon Sunday.  So it’s kind of like he’s just fitting me afterwards anyway.

ugh.

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